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To expect help with baby when I'm ill?

(23 Posts)
roslily Mon 19-Oct-09 21:22:59

I have a raging sore throat, cough, ache all over and a temp of 38.9C

Last night I did all night feeds. DH gave him his bath tonight,any but expects "not to be woken, as I have to go to work". Our ds is 6 weeks and a very fractious boy. He woke 5 times last night.

Am I being unreasonable expecting a little bit of help when I'm ill?

Meglet Mon 19-Oct-09 21:25:32

yanbu. He should be pulling his weight. I know dads who work and still share the night wakings regardless of whether the mum is ill or not.

IwishIwasmoreorganised Mon 19-Oct-09 21:27:24

No YANBU at all.

Your DH needs to be less selfish.

onepieceoflollipop Mon 19-Oct-09 21:27:55

I think it is a bit of a bad sign (especially with such a young baby) that you refer to your dh "helping" you with the baby.

This is very hard on you, and very unfair. Did your dh pull his weight before the baby arrived (e.g. with housework etc)

Imho he is being extremely disrespectul and unkind and inconsiderate. Are you bf? If not can you call on anyone else to come and help e.g family member?

onepieceoflollipop Mon 19-Oct-09 21:29:01

Actually even if you are bf perhaps someone else could come and support you.

fandango75 Mon 19-Oct-09 21:29:28

who the feck does he think he is hmm

aoifesmama Mon 19-Oct-09 21:30:53

You already know YANBU roslily, but wish there was something we could do to help. Sending a get well hug.

Your DP def shouldnt see it as helping - I had a thorough discussion about the use of the word with DH when DD was born.

Is there anyone else you can call?

stellamel Mon 19-Oct-09 21:30:53

YANBU - sort it out now! I did what you did and let my DP off heping at night cos he worked, major mistake, exhaustion and resentment are not good grin I'm 30 weeks preggers with our second and no way on god's green earth will he be getting away with it again.

Ill or not ill, job or not, it's his DS too, he should be helping you every night, not just when you're poorly.

onepieceoflollipop Mon 19-Oct-09 21:31:16

Thinking about this more his attitude has made me really angry

How is your relationship in other respects (no need to answer this btw)

Hope you are feeling better very soon.

stellamel Mon 19-Oct-09 21:32:35


tho as others have said helping is the wrong way to look at it!

roslily Mon 19-Oct-09 21:32:47

He does housework, cooks most evenings. But when he looks after ds he expects me to do housework.

I am furious with him.

mamalovesmojitos Mon 19-Oct-09 21:33:59

yanbu you poor thing. good post onepieceofloll. you need him to pull his weight. i remember having really bad mastitis when dd was about the same age and having no help from dd's dad, i was up all night, run down, exhausted and crying in pain, and he was absolutely no help. this is why he is now xp.

gingernutlover Mon 19-Oct-09 21:35:30

my dh refused to come home when i was very ill when dd was about 4 weeks old.

He did it just the once, when he arrived home to find me unable to get out of bed he was very apologetic.

My main concern was her getting ill with the same thing

It did take him a huge amount of time to realise that it wasnt all sitting drinking tea and laying in bed til midday when you're at home with a baby.

You need to point out to him that you are unable to do the job of looking after a tiny baby when you are so ill. We used to have a rule, that if it was before 1am dh would get up and after that I would. It meant we were both guaranteed a block of sleep (i used to go to bed very early).

onepieceoflollipop Mon 19-Oct-09 21:38:07

That's a good system gingernutlover, we did similar. Although one night I got up 3 times between 1am and 4am so starting nudging dh (a trusting soul wink) that it was his turn again.

He woke me up after going to the baby a couple more times and said very nicely but knackeredly "sweetheart are you sure it's my turn, I was up 4 times with her before 1am?"

Dd2 was not a great sleeper!

YanknHeadsOffCocks Mon 19-Oct-09 21:39:04

YANBU, and definitely need to stop seeing it as 'helping' you. My DS is 8 weeks old, and DH and I have had a big row over this term. He wouldn't DARE suggest that he's 'helping' me by doing stuff for DS now, having been thoroughly reprimanded for saying 'I don't mind helping out' once.

I'm okay with doing the night feed as I'm BFing and am coping well. But if I was ill (and I'm getting a cold now), you better believe DH wouldn't get away with 'expecting not to be woken'.

Meglet Mon 19-Oct-09 21:39:42

same here... my xp never got up in the night at all for either dc's. Partly why he is now xp.

I'm not suprised you are furious with him, he is behaving like a prick.

I know someone who has a good system going. Her DH is on baby duty until 2am, while she sleeps, then they swop at 2am so he can sleep before work and she is on baby duty. I think that is rather lovely. Obviously they can both get some shut eye even on duty if baby sleeps and they both get a guaranteed rest at some point in the night.

Rosebud05 Mon 19-Oct-09 21:59:36

I like the idea of pre-designated taking turns (rather than hissed conversations about who's the most tired in the middle of the night), with extra leeway for those not feeling well.
Even if you're bfing, he can do the settling etc.
Realistically, he also needs to factor in not being able to go into work tomorrow if you need looking after.

catsmother Mon 19-Oct-09 22:03:35

Sod the effing housework, and get takeaways or ready meals instead of him cooking.

The most important thing in the house right now is your 6 week old baby and if 1 parent - you ! - is too ill to care for him full time, then the other parent has to step in - work or no work. You being ill isn't going to last forever FFS - he's being very selfish.

pointyhat Mon 19-Oct-09 22:04:03

Have you spoken to him about how bad you are feeling? Could he be in charge of the baby until midnight at least and then you take over? Have you tried to arrange set times like that?

lyndysue Mon 19-Oct-09 22:05:01

My H used to do the late night feed with both of ours so that I could get some sleep early on but very very rarely got up during the night - used to claim that he didn't wake uphmm.

Occasionally, when I was really fed up, I'd dig him in the ribs to wake him up but generally he used to get cross with them rather than help so in the end, it was easier to do it myself sad

beaniesinthebucketagain Mon 19-Oct-09 22:06:48


seems to be a trend appearing here!

DP got away with a mere two weeks if the helping comment before i got earplugs out and informed him it was his turn!!! (ds was ff)

When dd arrived 16mnths later hed wake at every feed pass my v pillows pass me her and then wake up put her back for me!!!

I agree with Rosebud ''pre-designated taking turns (rather than hissed conversations about who's the most tired in the middle of the night''

Thats exactly how it was, and when ds slept through the night at 6wks the hissed comments started again when he woke on the rare occasion so we took turns every other night iyswim, whether he woke or not, its the same now with getting up and lie ins, it works, no arguments because its foolproof to remember!

slowreadingprogress Mon 19-Oct-09 22:36:51

I agree that he is being a total arse

now is the time to start teamwork with parenting, it's the only thing (imho) which will give you a happy life as parents.

Just because he goes to work does not mean he does not have parenting duties

I always find it heartbreaking when men do this (and women allow it, not a dig at you OP just in general)

You both have long hard days at work, he out of the home, you in the home. My DH had the decency and goodness to always tell me I had it harder, at home with a little baby. Work was easier. This is NOT to say that it's good to get into a 'who has it harder' competition, just that as parents doing different bits of the job, you both need to totally value what the other does, and be each other's biggest fans. If you don't, no one else will! And it's a fantastic example to a child as they grow to see their dad totally understand and respect what is done at home.

It's just so hard, parenting a little baby, and if your own husband can't understand and appreciate it then who will, really sad

Alibooobaandthe40phantoms Mon 19-Oct-09 22:45:20


stellamel - wasn't it your DP who wanted to ride a motorbike across India to 'find' himself. Have you managed to talk some sense into him? I never saw an update post if there was one, sorry, just sooo nosy curious!

OP - my DH gets up in the night with DS even though I'm a SAHM and he works fulltime. He always has right from the word go. You need to have a frank discussion now before the patterns become entrenched.

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