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to not want a relationship with my absent father??

(8 Posts)
BigMomma3 Sun 18-Oct-09 21:28:42

Just met him today after 30 years (mum & dad split when I was 7 and mum then remarried).

Found him through the internet. He first approached me 5 years ago and I decided not to meet him then contacted him and finally changed my mind as I decided it would be better to get it over with.

We meet today in a coffee shop and had quite a relaxed chat (I am surprised that I was so calm must be the Prozac I'm on grin). He seems quite decent and was very emotional but I can't really think of him as my dad as my stepdad is. I know that he has tried to contact me over the years and my mum caused so many problems with access when I was younger that he stopped as he thought it would be better that way. He was also an alcoholic and violent to my mum but he was only in his early 20s then so I am prepared to accept that he's changed (he also remarried and has been with his wife for 25 years and also brought up stepchildren so can't be all bad).

Now I've met him I'm not really sure that I want him in my life and can't imagine having a father daughter relationship so am inclined to say that I don't want further contact but feel that I may be being a bit unfair to him (especially as he has grandchildren he has never met and probably won't as they don't know my stepdad is not their real grandad). AIBU and what would you do??

JeMeSouviens Sun 18-Oct-09 21:35:23

I was in a similar position, although my parents split when I was much younger. Over the years my father tried to find me, but it was blocked by my mother until I was in my 20s. (He also had been violent). We met when I was in my mid20's and found I had a younger bro/sis. He had gotten help for his problems and was a changed man from the one my mother knew.

I think they wanted a more family relationship with me, and I started to back off a bit when I realised this. However, I am very glad to have met him and got to know him a little bit, and also to meet my half-siblings and their mother, who was very welcoming. He died the day I was married 5 years ago, so it felt even more important that I had met him when I did.

It is up to you what kind of relationship if any, you have with him. It's okay just to have a friendship, it doesn't need to be a forced fake father/daughter relationship.

BigMomma3 Sun 18-Oct-09 21:54:05

Thanks JeMe. My problem is that I really don't know what relationship if any I want with him. I don't need him as such but feel that he needs me and I feel sorry for him especially as he and his wife decided not to have any further children because of it. I am such a soft hearted twat!! I am also worried about involving my kids and the fact that my mum does'nt know about it. Will have to think about it a bit harder methinks.

6feetundertheGroundhogs Sun 18-Oct-09 22:04:50

BigMomma, it's take you 30 years to meet him, it could take you a while to get to know him smile

Don't rush, don't panic, I know you must be scared somehow. Meeting up in a strange place, after all this time, and you said he was emotional.

Neither one of you were really able to be the real YOU, were you. Give it time, little by little, baby steps as some say.

Try not to make snap decisions so soon in.
Things may work themselves out.

JeMeSouviens Sun 18-Oct-09 22:14:04

yes, agree with 6 feet, take little steps, at your own pace, not his. After a few more meetings, you will get more of a sense of how you feel and what you want to do.

Mine felt very, very rushed, from nothing, to "we want you here every weekend". But I do see they were just excited to have me in their lives.

Slambang Sun 18-Oct-09 22:25:26

Hi - remember you don't have to do anything you don't want to.

Tbh from a total stranger's point of view (mine!)it does sound a little harsh if you were just to inform him that you are totally cutting all contact, although of course you have every right to do so if you need to.

Is there a way you can keep contact at a very low level instead? He sounds reasonable, would you be able to explain to him that you feel a bit mixed up and haven't informed your family so would prefer to keep things to an odd email or christmas card?

That way the doors are left open but the pressure is off you.

Mumeee Mon 19-Oct-09 14:51:22

I met my Dad for the first time 4 years ago (I was 32).

I have decided not to have any further contact with him. He was never there for me growing up and I since discovered he was violent towards my half brothers(who I didn't know I had).

I have a loving family that have grown with me and since making the decision to cut contact with him I feel relieved. Just because we are genetically conected does not mean that I have to accept him into my life.

I had lots of people telling me what they thought I should do but in the end I had to listen to what I needed. I felt guilty for a while as he wanted me in his life but I wouldn't have been true to myself had I done it just to keep him happy. In order to be the best Mum I can to my child I need to make myself happy and having him in our lives wouldn't have done that.

Everyone is different and we all need to make the choices that make us happy. This was mine and it was the right one for me. it took me some time to get there but i'm so glad that I was brave enough to say what it was I needed.

Jacksmamwahahaha Mon 19-Oct-09 14:55:22

Baby steps. Don't allow anyone to pressure you. Tell him you need to think things over - that you are not saying "no" to contact but this is a lot to take on and you need to make sure you're doing the right thing for you and for your family.

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