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to want DS to be in dat care when I go back to work rather than go to his dad's?

(89 Posts)
BrandonsMummy Sun 18-Oct-09 17:12:23

DS is 4 months old and I have difficulty letting him out of my sight ATM! I am not in a relationship with DS's father but have told him that he can visit DS as often as he likes so he comes to see him twice a week.

DS's father has been unemployed for over a year and lives rent free at his mother's house. Although he buys the ocassional gift for DS he does not support us financialy. I'm OK with this and have promised him that I will never go down the CSA route (as he was worried about this when I was pregnant).He has said that he would like to look after DS when I go back to work in March.

I am not warmiing to the idea at all as he lives a 45 minute drive away from where I live and work, day care is 2 mins down the road and I am welcome to pop in on my lunch break to see DS and breastfeeed if necessary.

Also I am going back to work full time because I HAVE to, not because I want to. The thought of it breaks my heart ATM and I would like nothing more than to be at home with DS, but I have a mortgage and bills to pay so that DS can live in a nice place and have nice things. I have exhaused every other option, there are no decent council houses available in my area and I cannot afford to rent privately.

The thought of me working my a**e off 5 days a week whilst DS's father continues to not work and instead is bringing up DS when I'm not there doesn't seem fair, I know this sounds selfish and I certainly don't want to get in the way of their father/son relationship but I would feel mch better knowing that DS was nearby recieving quality care from proffesional nursery nurses.

I have shown DS's Father what I can, and encouraged him to read a parenting book, but all he ever does when he's here is play with DS, I worry that he wouldn't know what to do in an emergency.

So to round up a long post - I would much prefer DS to be in day care when I return to work AIBU?

piscesmoon Sun 18-Oct-09 17:17:03

I don't think that you are being selfish or unreasonable. I would continue to let the father have plenty of access, but settle for the day care. Tell ex that you want a stable environment for DS and that he ought to be using all his energy and time to get a job.

piscesmoon Sun 18-Oct-09 17:18:16

I mean stable environment in that ex should be in employment as soon as possible.

piscesmoon Sun 18-Oct-09 17:19:20

Sorry posted to soon-when he gets a job he won't be available and you would like your DS to be in the same place from the start.

wilkos Sun 18-Oct-09 17:21:24

you really don't want to go back to work, yet you allow your ds's father to sit on his arse doing nothing all day and have promised him you will not seek maintenance


wannaBe Sun 18-Oct-09 17:21:44

yes yabu.

Regardless of your relationship he is your son's father.

think wanting to pay out hundreds of £ a month in daycare rather than allow your ds to be brought up by his father (you would rather he be brought up by nursery nurses instead? hmm) is selfish in the extreme.

If you are working to be able to afford a nice life for your ds imagine how useful that extra money will be...

wilkos Sun 18-Oct-09 17:23:35

he should be helping you financially to bring up HIS child, then maybe (ok, don't know your full circs but..) you wouldnt have to go back full time anyway

nellie12 Sun 18-Oct-09 17:26:34

yanbu because an extra hour and a half on your day is going to be very tiring for you and ds.

If he does want that sort of relationship then he should be trying to step up to the mark noe and taking some responsibility for ds not just behaving like an uncle

Littlefish Sun 18-Oct-09 17:27:59

I agree with wannabe.

Perhaps spending time with his son will help him develop a stronger relationship, which will further encourage him to go out and work in order to be able to contribute financially. There is nothing wrong with him "just playing" with his son.

Paying a nursery to look after your ds is just madness. What a waste of money.

thesecondcoming Sun 18-Oct-09 17:30:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

123andaway Sun 18-Oct-09 17:31:17

If your ex looks after your DS while you are at work, would the money you save by not paying childcare not enable you to work a day or two less each week - thereby being able to spend more time with your DS?

onadietcokebreak Sun 18-Oct-09 17:37:34

He should be looking for a job and providing financially for his son.

He pays you nothing so you HAVE to go back to work full time.

If you went to the CSA he would only have to pay £5 per week anyway whilst on benefit but at least it would show he should pay something.

You need stable childcare arrangements. He needs to find a job.

I would go for the nursery if I was you.

choosyfloosy Sun 18-Oct-09 17:39:27

I wonder if there is a bit more to this than you are saying? TBH I would think that his dad looking after your ds would be the best possible solution in these circumstances. I see very much about the transport, but why couldn't ds's dad either pick him up, or look after him at your house?

Obviously if you know something about him that makes him a truly unsuitable carer, such as alcohol or drug use, then that's a different matter. Unemployment and living with his mother are far from making him unsuitable. If a parent wants to look after a child, then that's a done deal as far as I am concerned.

Things change really fast with children. DS's dad may find he can't stand the baby stage, or that he loves the baby stage but finds the toddler stage insupportable. Even so, he will have put a lot into his relationship with his ds and that has got to be a good thing. Sorry, YABU.

mummygirl Sun 18-Oct-09 17:40:30

If you were together and your partner was unemployed while you had a job you could go back to, you wouldn't be thinking about spending money on childcare, right?

Why is it unfait for a mother who doesn't want to go back to work but has to go, however a father is expected to work instead of staying home with the child?

And if he's willing to care for him, then he DOES support you financially.

I'd say count your blessings and come up with a schedule, so that you're not awlays the one who does the 45 minute trip. After all he is his father and despite the fact that he obviously loves his son, he has every right to challenge alternative childcare arrangements.

mummygirl Sun 18-Oct-09 17:43:05

didn't mean "despite the fact", meant "apart from the fact"

edam Sun 18-Oct-09 17:46:56

Brandon'sMummy, I'm on your side. Don't see why your ex should be able to sit on his backside instead of getting a job. (If he was on his own, the reality of looking after a baby might be a shock, but with his Mum on tap he'd have an easy ride, I imagine.)

Ds is better off if he's near you and you can pop in to see him at lunchtimes. Saves ds 1hr 30mins in the car every day too.

skidoodle Sun 18-Oct-09 17:53:39

I think that a parent who refuses to pay any money at all towards the care of their child gives up any right to a say in how they are looked after day to day.

The OP is the primary carer and the only person providing financially for this child. Adding an hour and a half commute to the day of a mother and baby so that a deadbeat loser with no job, who lives with his mother, won't help to contribute to his child, and has somehow extracted some kind of "promise" that he will never be made to live up to his financial obligations, is crazy.

It is particularly crazy when the child will miss out on seeing his mother and being breastfed so that this man child can fill his pointless days.

He is playing the part of a kindly uncle. If and when he starts acting like a father, then maybe involve him in your plans for your son's care. Right now I can't see any way that you can rely on someone like that to provide the kind of long term care and stability that your son needs every day whilst you are at work.

The option of dropping in during the day and breastfeeding your son is extremely valuable. I would not give that up easily. In the circumstances you describe I wouldn't even consider it.

NanaNina Sun 18-Oct-09 17:57:02

Brandonsmummy - I'm so sorry you are having to leave your little boy to go back to work especially as it is going to be a such a heartache for you - I know the feeling only too well - I'm going back many many years but I still remember how I hated leaving my little boy.

I wonder have you considered ways of earning at home so you don't need to go back to work outside of the home i.e. childminding or fostering, paying guests etc. Or at least could you consider part time work.

This is a difficult one because I believe young children are far better cared for at home by an adult who loves them, rather than cared for in a nursery where their physical needs are met but not their emotional needs because that isn't possible with the children/carer ratio. However you clearly don't feel happy about leaving the baby with his dad and this is going to cause you anxiety which will only make going back to work even harder.

If you could be convinced that your baby's dad was really competent enough to care for him, would this help, and I agree with another poster who talked of a mix of his dad and the nursery. There is a lot of evidence to show that nursery care for 3 days really should be the maximum for children under 3. If you did this it would cut down on cost and his dad could maybe be 2 days which might be more realistic for him than 5 days which is a tall order when you have no experience of caring for a child.

Is there any way that youcould "test out" your baby's dad re the caring, saying leaving him in charge for a few hours at a time.

Have you considered a good childminder rather than the nursery as this is often better for babies, as it is more "normal" and not institutionalised like a day nursery. Also the carer/child ratio is so much better, though of course it is not quite as dependable as a nursery as c/minders can get ill etc. However I used one for many years and she was wonderful and really loved my children and never got ill!

Do hope you will find a solution to the problem and things will get sorted.

phoebeophelia Sun 18-Oct-09 17:58:52

agree with mummygirl YABU

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 18-Oct-09 18:01:47

I don't know whether YABU or not. You aren't in a relationship with him so it isn't automatic that you can feel happy to leave your DS with him. However - he needs time with DS to learn how to parent and this time would be amazing for that. My DH loved our DS but never had to do anything for long periods of time by himself until I went back to work - it has been fantastic for them both.
Financially, either he should be working to enable you to reduce your hours somewhat, or he should be looking after DS, seeing as he wants to. It's madness to pay for childcare whilst ExP sits at home doing nothing, and wanting to look after DS.

You'll get used to leaving him soon enough and believe me, you will feel much happier leaving him at your house with his father, than in nursery. I don't see why you XP can't come to yours to have him?

thesecondcoming Sun 18-Oct-09 18:04:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 18-Oct-09 18:05:03

And I disagree with skidoodle that he is a deadbeat loser who won't contribute to his child - I mean if he's doing all the childcare to enable her to work, he is contributing isn't he? Or are all SAHMs just 'kindly aunties'? I think he's trying to be the opposite of a kindly uncle or weekend dad - he's trying to be the child's parent!

Meglet Sun 18-Oct-09 18:11:32

Yanbu. His dads house is too far to travel. He should be looking for a job and supporting your ds financially. If the nursery is any good your ds will have a wonderful time there, both my dc's are at a fab nursery, no cbeebies, yummy food and never get shouted at by a ratty adult while they're there, unlike home blush. If your ex p thinks looking after a baby is the easy + fun way out (and possibly passing him onto his mum anyway?) then he'd be in for a shock. Can your xp look after him one afternoon a week to see how it goes and your ds goes to nursery the rest of the time?

piscesmoon Sun 18-Oct-09 18:22:24

I can't believe that people think that OP has to go out to work, leaving her baby-something she doesn't want to do,and yet her ex is able to have the baby and not bother looking for a job or contributing to his upkeep. It isn't fair!! The ex should be using every minute of the day job hunting so that he can be in work and contribute.I take it he is able bodied and normal intelligence?

OrmIrian Sun 18-Oct-09 18:28:25

I'm so sorry you have to go back to work when you clearly don't want to. It's heart-breaking sad

But why is it unreasonable for your DS's dad to contribute by looking after him when you are working? It's the equivalent of a major financial contribution.

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