Do I Need to get out more??

[LonelyLooney]

Need advice and opinions as I?m going crazy. Have 2 DC and recently moved to a new area, closer to DH?s work and feel v lonely. Have kind of ?moved up? IYSWIM and perhaps gone perhaps out of my natural comfort surroundings.

Have been doing the heading off to playgroups at some local children?s centre and whilst everyone is very nice, it just seems really hard to meet new people. Lots of people go in groups, usually if their DC are the same age as mine then they?ve known each other since babies. I know how this feels as I made great friends when my first was born, and we?re still in touch now, just they now live away from me now.

I recently spoke to a lady who I met on the street who has a DC younger than mine and she was very friendly. I weirdly popped a note through her door and invited her to my home for a coffee. I?m turning into some weirdy stalker!! She did text me and invited me to her house to meet some local mums, who were all nice and friendly but I know I?m coming over waaay to try hard and it?s really freaking me out and I?m getting on my own nerves!!

I can tell I?m not being myself and I?m coming across all a bit weirdo, I gave my number to a few of the mums and they said they would text me their numbers ? and sure enough I haven?t heard back!! I sent a group e-mail to the mums and not heard anything back and now don?t want to pester anymore as I?m starting to annoy myself with how whiny and desperate I?m sounding!!! They are a very tight-knit group and I guess it?s hard to join an established network.

I have some amazing friends so I know that I can be a good mate, but I?d just love to have some local mums to drop in on, text now and again and come round to me so I?m not looking at the same walls or gritting my teeth and putting on my best I'm not looney false smile at various play groups in the region.

My DH is very sweet, but even he his starting to get worn down with me worrying, composing endless text or e-mails so I don?t sound completely odd and writing to complete strangers who I meet in the street. I?m dead lucky I have a great DH, a brilliant mum who I speak on the phone to (she?s not local sadly) and my kids are ace (usually!!). Yet I just feel a bit lonely and tragic. A I being U to want people to like me?

I?ve just re-read this and feel sooo embarrassed but need to get it out of my system! Come and mock the weird one.!

[ChunkyMonkeysMum]

Aww, bless your heart. I really feel for you!!
Where do you live ?? If you're anywhere near me, I'll be your mate. x

[alicet]

Where do you live?

I think the situation you describe is really tough. I do think perhaps backing off a little might pay dividends though and if you are able to relax about it a little (easier said than done) then you will probably come accross in the positive manner you I'm sure deserve.

Remember the close friends you talk about were made over many years not a couple of weeks and although being alone with a small child can be very isolating it will not change overnight.

Good luck x

[ShinyAndNew]

How old are your dc? Can you make friends through them?

WHat I mean is can they join a club/class during whichn they will inevitably make friends and you get chatting their mum 'oh my ds is really getting on with your ds. I bet ds would love it if you both called round one day. They could play and we could have coffee'

I don't think you sound desperate. I felt the same after I moved back to my hometown and none of my friends were there anymore.

Fortunately I made up with a friend who I had previously fell out with and I had my sisters.

[TurkeyLurkey]

You sound great, I'll be your friend!

In all seriousness you are doing the right things, keep plugging away, these things take time, you wait- in a few months you'll be having to have a friend cull you'll have so many

[alicet]

By the way I didn't mean from my post that you are doing anything wrong. Just that the fact your efforts have not achieved anything makes it easier for you to feel rejected and also you tend to come accross better when you try less hard (think about when you were single and trying to meet a bloke - kind of the same thing isn't it?!)

[TheBossofMe]

If you have any time, volunteer at some of those playgroups as a helper - its easier to make connections that way. I also made some nice friends volunteering to help at NCT events (sales etc), so might be worth a go. I don't think you are coming across as being needy or doing anything wrong at all - you sound lovely and I'll be your friend if you are nearby! Where are you?

[ineedalifelaundry]

How far away from your old friends have you moved? I don't know any mums in my local area. My old friends are still the ones I arrange to meet up with once every couple of weeks- but they are all within a 30 mile radius.

Sorry you're feeling lonely. Have you looked at the MN meetups board?

[Monsterspam]

I'll be your friend!

Don't worry, these things do take time. Are there any local cafes/indoor play areas around you that you can go to?

[Butterfly99]

I think you are trying a bit too hard. I know it is hard when you feeling so desperate, but I think you should rein it in a little, although you want friends, you don't just want anyone! It does take a while for a friendship to develop. For example, the last really good friend I've made, is a mum I met while we were watching our kids having a swimming lesson. I recognised her as our kids are in the same class at school, and started chatting to her (i am quite shy!) but we started having a chat while our kids were swimming and it developed from there. Also the NCT runs coffee groups across the country and they can be a good way to meet other mums.

[LonelyLooney]

Cheers everyone, and apologies for my opening post, in true me-style I composed 500 times in MS Word and copied accross and all my ' have turned into ? oops.

It's a bit like being on the hunt for a boyfriend - can't be seen to be too keen! Not looked at the meetup boards? Will have a peruse.

My old friends aren't too far away probably about 45-50 mins in the car and I'm meeting up with them for a gossip. They find my hunt for new pals highly amusing, so I shall update that I'm advertising online! ha!

[TheBossofMe]

I'm in Surrey so if its anywhere near, shout and we can organise a meet if none is planned!

[Hobnobfanatic]

I soooo know how you feel. I moved to the middle of nowhere and am quite a recluse. BUt with my LO, I was desperate for her to make friends and integrate and just didn't have a clue how to make friends. How old are your LOs? I went to all hte NCT stuff, but felt such an outsider, but it was by doing 'mum duty' at the local preschool when LO was 2 years 9 months that I really got to know local people - the staff and other mums.

[ChunkyMonkeysMum]

I'm in Surrey too !!

[TheBossofMe]

Oooh - whereabouts? I'm near Cobham.

[ChunkyMonkeysMum]

I'm Caterham (J6, M25 if that helps??)

[vanimal]

Hiya LL,

I am/was in the same position as you - moved to a new area, had one DD at the time.

I was throwing myself at people in order to make friends, and had no shame about it - just told them I was new to the area, felt lonely/bored looking after DD alone all day.

They all thought I was a complete wierdo, but eventually (after 8-9 monyths of trying), I made my first real friend in the city - we just went to coffee after playgroup once or twice, and it went on from there. She introduced me to a mate, and now, having lived here for nearly 4 years, I have two friends. Not many, but they are lovely and I would hate to be without them.

A VERY long way of saying - slowly but surely you will make some mates. I think the wierdo stalker routine is a good one, just keep at it.

p.s. if you live anywhere near me (W Mids) I'll be your friend. Seriously.

[vanimal]

p.p.s. I do have friends outside the city. Not just two friends in the whole world. I just thought I should point that out.

[HoneySocks]

best way i have found to make friends with other mums is to join a regular class rather than a drop in palygroup, as you then sort of bond i guess. still takes a while though, chin up and dont let them get you down!

[iheartdusty]

also worth bearing in mind that when DC start school you inevitably get the chance to know a whole new group of people who could become friends.

[TheBossofMe]

I think a Surrey MN meet might be in the offing - will post something on the meet-ups bit (need to find it first!)

[ChunkyMonkeysMum]

Ok (I need to find it too !!! lol)

[ChunkyMonkeysMum]

TheBossofMe - Found it & have posted. Here you go !!

[LonelyLooney]

Hi an update on my lonely quest..

I don't live in Surrey but hope that the Surrey folk got to meet up.

Well, tomorrow I'm entertaining some mums and their LO's shock horror!!!

I attended a baby massage course with my baby (obviously!!) and piped up at the end to see if anyone wanted to meet up in the week. We'd been given contact details so sent everyone a text. Got a few responses about being busy doing the budgie's hair, plaiting rain, counting blades of grass etc etc.... BUT it turns out that a mum on hte course lives a few streets away from me... so she is coming with her DD and another mum from a baby group who also lives fairly local.

Hoping all goes well and at last I have someone to hang out with except from Makka Pakka, Tinky Winky and some funny red guy who laughs A LOT.

Thanks for the folks who responded, it was lovely to hear from you. Going to rush out in the morning for nice biscuits!

[jax19]

I can't believe it -i am you! though haven't gone to your pro active lengths - YET!!!!!!!!! am very reserved by nature, have been in a new area for about 2 months and yes feel like a stalker. Have been to mums and toddlers group with my 9 mth old DS2, DS 1 and DD at school. and my husband keeps trying to get me to go to PTA meetings It's quite hilarious really because i am like someone on drugs when i see people - really hyper - which is not really me...i've moved once before when DD was small so i know you do eventually make good friends, which helps me not go too hard on myself!

[kickassangel]

we moved to the US this time last year, so really know how you feel.

we also missed the whole start of the school year, when parents meet up & get to know each other.

last jan was v lonely. dd was constantly asking to go back home again.

however, this year is loads better. there are people who know me & dd, she has had some play dates etc & we have joined more clubs.

think about how often people on here say they're not comfortable with their dc's going to someone's house cos they don't know that person v well. it just takes a long time to get to know people. even when you're at eht chatting easily stage, it still takes a while before they really feel like friends, but it does happen.

i still miss the ease of chatting to all my old friends, i hate that i nearly always have to explain background when talking about stuff, but it is getting loads easier.