to be a bit uneasy about a 10 year old girl turning up at our house to play whenever she feels like it?

[onthepier]

A girl in my dd's year group has recently started phoning us after school, wanting to come round. She's not a great friend of my dd, we just all walk the same way to school and got chatting. They exchanged phone numbers which I thought was fine, as she seemed quite nice. A few times we've got home from school and she's phoned, asking if she can come round. Both times I've said yes, and she's stayed for an hour or so, playing in our house and out on our street.

Had a really busy day workwise today, picked the children up and just felt like going home and chilling. As soon as I came through the door the phone rang and I could see it was her number on caller display. I ignored it this time but within half an hour she was here, and said, "Oh you ARE in, I just need to go home and tell mum you're here, then I'll stay until you have dinner if that's OK!"

She sped off before I could say anything and now she's back again! She lives about 5 mins. walk away and is now happily camped out in our front garden with her nintendo ds! My dd is chatting to her, but seems more interested in playing with the other children in the street!

A neighbour stopped me on the way to work this week as she'd seen this child coming to and from our house. She told me that in the last school holiday, she would turn up early in the morning to play with her children (with no warning), and she'd suddenly find she was looking after her all day as she couldn't get rid of her! She'd phone the child's mum suggesting a pick-up time, who would just say "Oh send her home when you've had enough!", but she was extremely defiant and wouldn't go home! She also caused arguments between the other children.

I said to her just now that if nobody answers the phone it's best not to come round as we're prob not here, (don't want to be lumbered all half term!), but she just retorted that's she's allowed to knock on people's doors without phoning first as long as she tells her mum where she is, or goes straight home if nobody's there!

My dd is starting to look a bit fed up now as if she even goes to the toilet or her bedroom this girl is shouting up the stairs to her, asking what she's doing!

How would other people deal with this? I'm happy to have her sometimes, but she seems to be at a permanent loose end!

[BLEEPyouYOUbleepingBLEEP]

If your DD's not keen on her surely she should tell her? I'd have been mortified if my mum started sorting out my friends/not friends over my head when I was 10!

[colditz]

i would have no truck with 'extremely defiant' and would ring her mother to collect her, explaining that you have tried to send her home, as you are fed up, and she will not leave. Now it is time for her to be collected.

[clam]

If she's phoning first, then you could say, "actually, sorry, but DD is tired/doing her homework/not available today. And if you don't get a chance, then say it when she turns up. If she's only 5 mins away, she can just as soon go home again.

She probably has no idea. So say no. Nicely, but firmly.

[mathanxiety]

What is going on in this chld's home? Why is the mum so unconcerned about where her child is or if she's being fed, who exactly is taking care of her? (Does the mum know you personally or is she just assuming you're not a convicted sex offender, for instance...) I would mention this troubling behaviour to the school. I don't think there is a responsible adult in this child's life.

[Podrick]

HAve her round only when it suits you and your dd. End of.

[2rebecca]

Agree. This isn't a difficult problem to sort. Just say no if it's not convenient/ your kid isn't interested.

[Nancy66]

She just sounds like a thick skinned and pushy kid.

I wouldn't offer any reasons as to why she can't come round as she'll find a way to talk around it. if she phones, just say: "No, sorry, you can't come over today."

If she turns up and knocks on the door just say your daughter is busy. No explanations.

[famishedass]

It shouldn't be too difficult to deal with. As the other have said, just say "I'm afraid you can't come over today".

If she's there and won't leave, I'd ring her mother and tell her to come and get her as her dd was refusing to leave.

It's just life I'm afraid. Some people are more of a nuisance than others - I'm sure a mature and sensible adult can deal with a pushy kid.

[Thingiebob]

Agree with other posters. Have her round when it is convenient. Say no when it isn't. Don't let a ten year old tell you what to do.

[pigletmania]

Just tell her yes if she phones tell her its not a good time and that your dd is busy or if she turns up tell her that dd is busy and does not want to play.

[TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied]

Agree that you should be allowed your own time/space but also be aware that she sounds like quite a lonely little girl and her mum doesn't sound overly interested in her.

Be firm with her and do say no, but maybe offer suggestions of convenient times when she could call over 'for an hour'.

[ErikaMaye]

Poor thing, she sounds so lonely - but hugely irritating for you at the same time Would agree with the other posters - be firm about it when it isn't a good time (and when you don't particularly fancy her company).

[2rebecca]

I would disagree that it's the posters job to look after this kid if she's lonely. I don't see my home as a hostel for lonely waifs. If you and your daughter don't want her in the house just say no. If I was 10 and my mum had insisted on me playing with some kid "just for an hour" when I didn't want to I'd have been unimpressed as I didn't force her to talk to women she wasn't interested in for an hour. Your house and kid aren't hobbies for bored children to entertain themselves with.
Ask your daughter if she wants this kid round. If she says no just tell her it's not convenient and don't discuss it further.
I would contact her mother if she refuses to go home, or tell the girl if she doesn't go home when asked then she won't get to come again as you have better things to do than nag someone else's kid.

[onthepier]

Thanks for your posts, a couple of you are right, she is VERY lonely and it's only since she's been seeking out my dd for company that I've learned more about her from other people.

Her mum seems very busy with her younger brother and sister, (both toddlers), and this girl makes her own way to school and back most days alone. She's quite possessive, as in when she makes a friend she wants that friend solely to herself and can't manage that well in a group.

In fact only today she didn't want to play the game the rest of the children in our street were playing, so my dd spent time just with her in the end, she found herself being pulled away from things she wanted to (and is used to), being part of. My dd only told me this after she'd gone.

If this goes on I'll have to be very firm with her which will upset her, or just have a word with her mum. I did phone her mum the other day to check she knew that her dd was with us, and she seemed surprised I rang. From what she said her dd is used to calling for whoever's available and playing out, as long as she's got her phone on her and is home by the time she's been told! My two aren't even that keen on going to somebody's house for the first time without me staying or at least taking them, I suppose it's just different parenting!

[2rebecca]

At 10 I was playing out in the street quite happily and my kids at 10 would often disappear with a group of kids for a couple of hours and play round each others houses and go and knock on each others' doors. If your daughter wants to play with her it's not a problem. It's only a problem if your daughter isn't interested but isn't assertive enough to tell her or you she'd rather not play with her on that occasion.

[fluffles]

she clearly is either very thick skinned, unable to pick up on social cues or so desperate for company she's ignoring social cues.

with someone like this you have to be honest and firm. answer the phone and then say 'sorry you can't come round today'.

don't get sucked into trying to hint to her, be clear, firm and honest - it's best for you all.

once you have tested the water and checked she will obey direct instructions not to come round then you can still allow her to play when it's convenient for you (poor girl must be so lonely )