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to consider reporting friend to SS?

(457 Posts)
sillysalley Wed 14-Oct-09 22:42:12

I have a friend who's approach to parenting is just ... well ... worrying really.

Her and her husband have a crazy fascination with keeping the house like a show home and nothing else seems to be of importance other than that. I cant emphasise how much of a fascination it is, not just that they have a tidy house but things like
no baby gates allowed
children not allowed toys anywhere other than their bedroom
children not allowed to sit on the expensive leather sofa if they are wearing clothes with buckles and belts etc

Well i visited recently and their 2 year old is still not speaking (not even a single word, he makes very little noise)

Then she told me something that really worried me. Her 2 year old was really ill recently and she had to send for an ambulance because he could hardly breathe. She said
'I could hear him in his cot struggling to breathe, i was so panicked because it took me ages to get to him, trying to untie all the rope around his door handle to get into his room' shock

I presume the rope is to stop him going out of his bedroom in the night, as they wont have baby gates becuase they damage the walls.

Then she went on to say the hospital wanted her 2yo to stay in for the night but she refused and took him home.

I cant believe that HV or the hospital have not picked up on this, but I am truly worried. The thing is she isnt the kind of person you could approach about the issue. So all I can think of is an anonymous referal the SS.

Would that be unreasonable?

littleducks Wed 14-Oct-09 22:43:36

if he is in a cot not a bed why would she tie the door shut?

famishedass Wed 14-Oct-09 22:44:31

You're just being silly,sally

<<<<see what I did there [grin}>>>>>>

CybilLiberty Wed 14-Oct-09 22:45:28


I have no toys downstairs, I wouldn't let my children on a sofa with shoes on etc and I didn't have baby gates.

Does that make me neglectful too?

Granted the rope around the door is not good, but perhaps this was enough of a shock to them to stop that.

Social Services is totally OTT.

wannaBe Wed 14-Oct-09 22:46:12

I read the initial parts of your post and thought - no big deal. When I was little baby gates were pretty much unheard of, child could be not speaking for any number of reasons/not sitting on the funiture with buckles on etc I would consider odd but not worth of ss.

But rope around the door ... shock I would ring them yes.

MrsJamesMartin Wed 14-Oct-09 22:47:35

I would call social care ,tbh , I'm sure her HV has no idea as she is very unlikely to have mentioned it.

Why would she discharge her child against advice?

Broke Wed 14-Oct-09 22:48:06

And we wonder why social workers are drowning in paperwork rather than out with families supporting them.
The hospital would have dealt with any issues they were concerned with.
Why are you friends with somebody you seem so dissapproving of ?

doingthelambethwalk Wed 14-Oct-09 22:48:29

She might have got the idea of the rope on the door from this book Toddler Taming which is in other respects a normal parenting book.

sillysalley Wed 14-Oct-09 22:48:47

I probably am, she is a friend and I wouldnt want her to go through any heart ache, but Im so worried for her 2DC. Her 2yo is so reserved, and how silent he is really worries me.

Jajas Wed 14-Oct-09 22:49:33

Must admit I started reading thinking they're just a bit anal about the house, can't really ring ss for that ~ but the door being tied up with rope is a leetle bit wierd to be honest....

CybilLiberty Wed 14-Oct-09 22:49:53

So talk to her about it, not report her.

Broke Wed 14-Oct-09 22:50:02

We used to lock my sister in her room from the age of 18 months otherwise she'd climb out of her cot and wonder around the house at 5am, how is rope around the door any different to that or indeed a stairgate ?

2shoescreepingthroughblood Wed 14-Oct-09 22:50:44

yabu very
why would anyone let a child ruin furniture?
but the rope stuff would make me......
speak to her

I would ask her why she has rope around the door? explain to her the dangerous of this, and that your worried. OTT for a SS referal. Maybe mention your surprised her Lo isnt talking yet and drop in maybe that maybe she oculd consider chasing 2 year check.

DailyMailNameChanger Wed 14-Oct-09 22:51:47

Rope around the door was pretty acceptable until very recently, although SS may agree it is not great it is unlikely they will do anything (beyond suggesting she get a stairgate) unless it is linked to other problems.

Clean house is not a problem to SS, even obsessively clean houses.

You are over-reacting unless there is something else you have not mentioned.

Littleducks, most children get put into a bed at the time the start climbing out of the cot... that is quite normal TBH.

wannaBe Wed 14-Oct-09 22:51:47

and what if there was a fire?

And the child couldn't get out because there was rope round the door - and no-one could get him out.

The parents would probably be charged with manslaughter then and the other children would be taken away.

Tying a child's bedroom door shut to the extent that you cannot get in in an emergency is dangerous, and either you need to tell this woman that it is not on, or report to social services. If social services think that tying bedroom doors shut is perfectly acceptable then that is for them to decide.

sillysalley Wed 14-Oct-09 22:51:53

broke - because in the case of an emergency you can get to your child almost instantly. Not the case with rope!

ShinyAndNew Wed 14-Oct-09 22:52:52

I have a gate that does no damage to my walls.

And no toys are allowed downstairs <unless they are being played with at the time> And my two and half year old has only just started speaking about two weeks ago.

I don't know about rope around the door, but I have wedged a carpet cleaner against dd2's door a few times to stop her repeated up, down, up, down, up, down behavior that carries on all night.

I don't want a gate on her bedroom as I dont want access restricted through the day and she plays with them, if she locked herself in/out of her room she would scream the place down.

I won't say don't phone SS, as only you know the full situation, but I don't think what you have mentioned would worry me too much.

Broke Wed 14-Oct-09 22:53:46

If there was a fire you'd kick the door down.
DH could do that faster than I could get over a baby dan stairgate, which is metal and would be unbearably hot to touch.

TheFallenMadonna Wed 14-Oct-09 22:56:04

The rope thing is a bit yikes.

But DD didn't make much noise when she was two. She didn't babble when she was younger and was pretty much silent until she was 2.5. Nobody's quite sure why.

sillysalley Wed 14-Oct-09 22:56:28

broke - lets be realistic here, a baby gate by the door is far more appropriate than rope around the handle. Come on! Lets try not to squirm out of that one!

DailyMailNameChanger Wed 14-Oct-09 22:56:56

TBQH most people would have a few toys on the floor, a cat or a washing basket on the landing - all of which could slow you down in a fire, this lady, presumably doesn't. Chances are it would be a bit difficult to choose who would get to the child fastest!

wannaBe Wed 14-Oct-09 22:57:24

well broke this child was apparently choking to death in its cot and the parents didn't have the foresight to kick the door down. hmm

the rest is just normal stuff in some respects, would ban toys from downstairs too if I could/wouldn't want my child damaging the furniture, and maybe he's just a placid child.

But the rope is wrong.

sillysalley Wed 14-Oct-09 22:58:02

Thanks fallenmadonna, thats made me feel better. I hope it is nothing and he will catch up pretty soon.

The thing is I dont get to see friend too much and often what I do see is shock

HuwEdwards Wed 14-Oct-09 22:59:01

No, i had a friend who locked their Dcs in their room as toddlers.

Big strapping kids now, no harm done.

Unusual but not abuse.

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