To think this mother should discipline her DS?

[Orimental]

My DS's best friend is unfortunately rather misbehaved - and IMO it is due to lack of discipline.

For example, we went over the other day and said friend finished eating before DS. Friend then proceeded to get under the table and pull, poke and tickle DS to the point where he could not physically eat. The mum refused to say anything to her DS about it!

At DS's 4th birthday (both are now 5), friend kept trying to snatch DS's presents as he wanted to open them, and then as soon as DS had opened them, friend would not let DS play with the new toy - resulting in DS in tears and ME having to sternly tell friend that it was DS's birthday and they were his presents as mother just ignored the behaviour (it took a lot for me to say it and I had previously tried to pacify DS instead so as not to cause trouble at his party).

Friend is also downright nasty to his little sister (2) and again nothing is said.

These are not the only instances, just some select examples. To list all that I know (and that is with limited contact that is only honored for the boys' sake) would take up about 5 pages!

Is it me or AIBU to think she should tackle this awful behaviour?

[andirobobo]

Maybe she has tried and it doesnt work.

I would try the talking very nicely - please dont do that we dont like that in this house.

[pania]

YANBU. She's letting him down if she's not trying to teach him appropriate behaviour.

[SlartyBartFast]

rubbish isnt it,
reprimand him yourself, she needs a jolt

[piscesmoon]

She should, but you can't make her. I would just wade in yourself if he is upsetting you or your DS.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

YANBU. I would just discipline him myself, I do believe every adult should protect/guide every child, not just their own. (It gets easier with practice .)

[Orimental]

Thanks guys

I DO want to say something, but I don't like confrontation if I can avoid it or if I know that the relationship is not going to be severed (if I have no care about seeing a person/people again then I am all guns blazing) but I don't want to fall out with the family as for some reason DS adores this boy! Luckily he doesn't copy this boy's bad habits and is relatively well behaved. Saying that, even though DS adores the boy, he does get distressed and it really bothers me when I reprimand DS for doing something unacceptable and then she just lets it pass with her son....

Any advice on how to tackle it in front of her as we are usually in her place (they are a family of 4 in a house with garden whereas it is just me as DS in a flat)?? I have tried saying things nicely but it is like water off a duck's back for them all....

[TheDemonicButDandyLioness]

I suppose you could say something to her if her DS was consistently behaving in a certain way, e.g. hitting your DS. But to bring up that you feel she just generally doesn't discipline him enough .... eek.

The only way you can 'tackle' this in front of her is to tell her son off in a slightly-less-strict voice than you'd use on your own. Or you can ask her directly: "would you mind asking your DS to give my DS that back? He was enjoying playing with that toy. Thanks."

[TheDemonicButDandyLioness]

Having said that, I'm a complete wimp when it comes to putting this in practice with my SIL. She seems to have decided to outsource disciplining her three boys to everyone else - she 'doesn't like to uspet them' They're bratty and violent towards other children, including my DD, and yet my SIL does nothing. It enrages me so much that I seethe and say nothing, rather than dealing with it in a calm, adult manner

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Hmm, tricky, because then all sorts of territorial feelings (and the fact that you're on theirs) come in to play and it's automatic to defer to them - my house, my rules; your house, your rules.

I would probably bark "Right you two, what's going on?" when it kicks off, scowl at both boys equally and wait for answers to be offered. If you don't like the answers, respond along the lines of "Well that's not what I saw. Stop it now, don't do it again, play nicely. I'm watching you."

[5Foot5]

FWIW (and I know this was only one example) I would never allow DD to open her birthday presents while the guests were still there. They were always removed to a safe place and opened later when everyone had gone and DD could take her own time, enjoy looking at what she had and give me time to write down who got what for the thank you letters