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To think my husband has had an affair (sorry - it's long)

(12 Posts)
Completelyfloored Tue 13-Oct-09 16:01:52

This is my first thread on here and i don't know if this is the right place to post it but I don't know where to go.

I opened my husband's mobile bill yesterday and it has never been itemised before but this time it was. There were 141 texts to one number and 91 to another number, including photo's. I know neither of the numbers. I phoned him in work and he came home to talk about it.

It turns out that he has been downloading internet porn for ages. I always wondered why his bills were so high. He has spent over £1,000 in the past 18 months. He's also been phoning sex lines and having cyber sex with strangers in internet chat rooms. This has been going on for years. He thinks he may have spoken to some of the girls on the phone but he can't remember. The texts are because he joined a flirt line on orange and then swapped numbers with two of the girls and they have been sending explicit sexual texts to each other, along with photo's. On one day there are over 68 texts, from two in the afternoon until half one in the morning. Some of them are just after he left the house to go to work.

He says he didn't consider it cheating as it was just "wanking". He has been sending these texts while he's been sat next to me on the sofa FFS. He's refused to have sex with me saying he wasn't ready after our DS was born 10 months ago.

He seems to be taking it seriously, having changed his phone number, barred internet and adult numbers from his phone and registering us for relate. He admits he has a problem and has not tried to blame me but I'm just in bits. It feels like an affair to me. I don't know what to say to him or how to fix this. Apart for the lack of sex I didn't think there was a problem in our relationship. What do I do?

MorrisZapp Tue 13-Oct-09 16:11:02

Oh god, you poor thing.

I have no advice to give apart from to say this kind of guff is sadly quite common from what I read and hear.

Do you think you can work on the relationship? Or do you feel the trust has gone forever?

He's the one in the wrong so use this time to get everything you want and need from him to move forward - he's been rumbled, and if he wants to make amends he'd better get busy, and he'd better mean every damn word of any promises he makes.

Try relationships >> for loads of cheating/ porn using stories and support.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 13-Oct-09 16:16:15

Second what's been said about posting in Relationships rather than here.

But at least he's taking positive steps.

Completelyfloored Tue 13-Oct-09 16:24:44

Thanks, I'll have a look there. I don't know what I want right now, I don't think I've really taken it in yet, he's obviously not the person I thought he was.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 13-Oct-09 16:32:07

He is the same person, it's just an aspect of him you didn't know about. It doesn't change all the good stuff you've shared. But I'll leave this thread now, and let you post in Relationships for better support.

Malificence Tue 13-Oct-09 16:33:41

There is an association similar to AA for porn addicts - I suggest he goes there.
It seems to be an ever increasing problem.sad

FABIsInTraining Tue 13-Oct-09 16:35:06

He wasn't ready after your baby was born? Has he given you a reason for this?

Malificence Tue 13-Oct-09 16:39:21

There are lots of similar sites.sad

ChunkyKitKat Tue 13-Oct-09 16:42:49

Oh how awful sad

I have no advice to add, but I understand that following the birth of a baby is a difficult time for men (oh the poor things).

He's contacted relate, that is positive.

Take care

PollyPoo Tue 13-Oct-09 16:56:57

Hey Completelyfloored, just a quick post to let you know I've been there.

I found out my DP had an internet porn addicition. He'd always had a porn addiction but with the arrival of the internet it just spiralled out of control. He spent literally thousands and thousands of pounds on porn/on-line chat etc. From there he advanced onto other sites such as Adult Friend Finder, where he was touting for sexual partners (he never met up with any of them thank god, and swore he never intended to).

I felt like the world had been pulled out from under my feet - I'd thrown everything in to be with this man. I moved away from all my friends, sold my house, gave up my job. I understand the horror that you must be feeling. And I agree that it feels like cheating - DP when confronted, said he felt like he'd been cheating on me, which was why our sex life had dwindled, he couldn't handle the guilt.

To cut a long story short, he knew he had a problem and he knew I wouldn't marry him (as we'd planned) unless he confronted it.

He went through 8 months of counselling, week in week out. We are still together, we got married and have a beautiful DD. I don't think his problem will ever go away completely - in times of stress it was his crutch and whilst it is not his first port of call these days, it is still there lurking.

It took me a long time to trust again. If I'm honest, there are still odd occasions when I will 'snoop' on his laptop to see what he's been up to. Sometimes I just had that feeling that he was at it again. Thankfully I haven't found anything for a long time (and believe me, I know all the places to look... I used torment myself with it)

Luckily we've been able to work through it, and he can now talk to me when he is feeling liking he might slip. And its ok that he feels he might slip now and again - he is human and I've learnt to accept that porn was his drug of choice. Mine is alcohol - when the shit hits the fan I reach for bottle of wine. Or vodka. Or whatever is handy blush But I know when enough is enough, and so does DH these days, for which I am eternally grateful.

Also DH knows that if he ever went back to his old ways and tried to hide it from me, A) I'd find out and B) I would leave and take DD with me. No discussion, no more counselling, end of marriage. And he (thankfully) realises that no amount of cyber sex can substitute for a good RL relationship.

Do you still love him? Do you think you could ever forgive him? Does he actually realise what a big problem this is?

Sorry, that turned into a v long post! I just wanted you to know that others have been through this and come out the other side. If you want to chat/rant/sob, come find me anytime, I'm happy to listen.

Sending you hugs and big glass of vino. x

Brightonavengerreturns Wed 14-Oct-09 02:39:56

Well he is a damn bad boy but he is not having an affair in the strictest sense. BUT I would be really hacked off with the money he has wasted particularly now there is a new mouth to feed. Send him to Mumsnet to get his pervy kicks (at least its free.) I think I can safely say that we could all help him in his rehab. If he needs to keep his hands busy tell him to take up a useful hobby, Campanology springs to mind here,not to be confused wth Cuntenology (Lord know but he must be an expert on that by now!) Clearly he cannot be trusted with modern technology so I would throw away HIS mobile and get him a cheap as chips Pay As You Go phone from the Orange store. You can get a tasteful pink one,v,basic no camera, no gimmicks for a fiver, he can come to you each time it needs filling up and you can put in a £5 each go. No pics so not very wank friendly and he will be keeping his calls as brief as poss coz he will feel like such a prat when his mates see him using one beleive me! Just a v. quick question why were you opening his mail? I thought I was the only DW who did that, actually it is most encouraging to see that I am not alone in doing this and already feel a strong sisterly bond with you. <warm fuzzy feeling pervades > Men are weak , and it 's up to us to keep them on their toes. Chin Up just know that I stand shoulder to shoulder with you dear comrade! (PS as per my many random threads I find a blob of EMLA cream on the business end of his knob should cool his ardour Good luck and let us know how it "pans" out. xx

alexfs Wed 14-Oct-09 17:23:50

I think addiction is the word here and he is trying to get help - he must realise what he has to lose.

Anyone who thinks their husband doesn't peek at porn on the internet is deluded! They all do! But he took it too far. You have every right to be uspet etc - I would feel cheated on too!

Good luck - I hope you get through it.

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