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in not expecting nasty or sarcastic comments when posting a genuine conundrum?

(96 Posts)
mrshibbins Tue 13-Oct-09 11:40:15

"we don't allow personal attacks no matter how unreasonable you think someone is. Do report any you see. Thanks, MNHQ."

it seems to me both from reading other threads, and from starting threads myself, that there is a small percentage of MN posters who can't give a constructive objective POV and like nothing better than putting their boot in in a very personal and unhelpful way which I think is a form of online bullying ...

what do you think constitutes a 'personal attack'?

should it be ignored, self-governed or reported?

what level does it have to go to before it IS reported?

Tee2072 Tue 13-Oct-09 11:44:10

It depends. Is this an 'attack' here in AIBU, where a slightly more 'snarky' attitude is expected?

Or is it in Chat or some other subject where help is genuinely sought?

Here in AIBU I think you need to expect to be snarked at, or even attacked, especially if it is totally over the top and you are being unreasonable. Hence the warning at the top of the page.

If its in some other topic and you genuinely need help, then I think any 'attack' should be reported.

But, how do you define an attack? Just because you think someone is attacking you, does that mean they are? Or, since this is a written medium, is it just a bit blunter than you would like to hear the advice?

In other words, its all subjective.

WinkyWinkola Tue 13-Oct-09 11:45:34

Why though? Why is it ok to be snarked at or attacked anywhere on MN? Why exactly is a snarky attitude expected on AIBU?

BLEEPyouYOUbleepingBLEEP Tue 13-Oct-09 11:47:46

It's all relative isn't it? If you put your opinion down on AIBU, then you've got to accept that some might reply a strongly worded post. If you're sensitive about how some people might react, I know it gets said often, then don't post.

I think it's a bit of a blurred line saying it's bullying, as you can remove yourself from the situation by not logging on/namechanging. But then I can see what you're saying, that if you do genuinely want advice why should you be hounded out?

I think if you can't take it with a pinch of salt or you are of a nervous disposition it's best to stick to pretty bland topics.

scaryteacher Tue 13-Oct-09 11:48:58

This is difficult. I was accused of being nasty and sarcastic the other day, when actually my intention was to be neither. If you cannot hear the tone of voice that someone is thinking in (iyswim) then you may be interpreting a post differently from the spirit in which it was written.

I did object on the voting threads the other day to being termed as thick, stupid and scum because of my voting preferences. I thought we lived in a democracy.

A personal attack is perhaps very unpleasant namecalling; derogatory references to someone's upbringing (no-one can be held responsible for the choices their parents make for them, nor for the circumstances of their birth - it is hardly anyone's fault that their parents chose to have sex at that time); and sheer bloddy offensiveness of a type that we can all recognise.

I try to ignore it, but have reported it on some occasions. I think when you report it is down to individual tolerance.

mrshibbins Tue 13-Oct-09 11:51:49

I guess I am naive in thinking that people will respond in a 'helpful' spirit, rather than making insulting personal accusations about the OP

in my case it was someone accusing me of being 'money grubbing' and of suspect ulterior motives when posting about helping my mother with a possible inheritance issue. I was pretty shocked TBH, and one or two other posters just taking on such a sarky attitude ... sad

I guess I just hoped everyone on here would be a bit more ... well, adult, and ... friendly.

BLEEPyouYOUbleepingBLEEP Tue 13-Oct-09 11:51:58

Winky - 'Why is it ok to be snarked at or attacked anywhere on MN?'

I don't think anyone could say it's OK to get attacked, but it is nice for AIBU not to be dumbed down and everyone have to be nicey nice and watch what the're saying.

Some of it could also come down to it just being text, although saying someones a 'chuffing twat' prob wouldn't fit into that lol

GhostlyWhiteSeahorses Tue 13-Oct-09 11:52:50

I think AIBU is supposed to be an area of more robust debate - it's for people to get genuine opinions (always valuable) not for gentleness and support. However, some people do seem to like to be outright rude or needlessly dismissive. You often see porters belittling the OP's post in a "how pathetic that you don't have anything more inportant in your life to worry about" kind of way. Which is a bit mean really, as many of us use AIBU to blow off steam or have a quick rant about small issues we don't want to bring up in RL.

Outside of AIBU I think people should be less aggressive than they sometimes are. Sometimes people are happy to type things that they would never say out loud in RL - maybe they need to rethink this.

claw3 Tue 13-Oct-09 11:53:34

I dont get why people have to revert to insults, when there is a difference of opinion.

Have to admit the only place i have seen this happen is on AIBU.

southeastastra Tue 13-Oct-09 11:54:07

don't post serious threads on aibu, it doesn't show mn in the helpful way it usually is.

feellikeafraud Tue 13-Oct-09 11:54:24

I've seen personal attacks on here "things like you need to grow up and get a life" and when they've been challenged other posters have piled in with "that's not a personal attack!!!"

I wish they'd all fark off, personally.

diddl Tue 13-Oct-09 11:54:35

I think a personal attack is name calling & rude language, tbh.

IABU can get "heated".

Perhaps it´s not the best thread for constructive advice/opinions?

It is afterall asking opinions on R/U.

mrshibbins Tue 13-Oct-09 11:55:28

but I've seen lots of other instances too, when I've read posts on other MN threads that are just below the belt and unnecessary.

having said that, these people are as i said, a SMALL percentage of MN posters. Most people on here are fair even when blunt, and this is WHY I come on this forum for advice.

I guess it reflects life really ... there are all sorts out, eh?

GhoulsAreLoud Tue 13-Oct-09 11:57:17

I got told to have a nice glass of shut-the-fuck-up by and, ahem, infamous poster and a pretty innoucuous thread.

But it was an AIBU thread, so ok apparently hmm

Actually, thinking about it MNHQ did delete the comment.

AitchTwoToTangOh Tue 13-Oct-09 11:57:33

it's not cool to post threads about threads, and neither is it cool to post about a conundrum and then only listen to the (very few) people who agree with your (rather twisted imo) theory re your step-grandmother.

fwiw i think you've been pretty ill-mannered on that thread yourself. i hope my spelling is okay for you...

GhoulsAreLoud Tue 13-Oct-09 11:58:34

Oooh, have not seen related thread! (it looked really boring, sorry)

Knickers0nMaHead Tue 13-Oct-09 11:59:13

YABU, you need thicker skin to post in AIBU.

AitchTwoToTangOh Tue 13-Oct-09 12:01:19

most people have been super-helpful, girlsareloud, tbh. i think a few people (me included) have gently questioned her motives and mrsh has taken this really badly. it's no biggie, tbh.

aside from that, you see, i generally agree that AIBU is the jeremy kyle show of MN and some appalling behaviour goes on there. but not in mrsh's case imho.

Morloth Tue 13-Oct-09 12:03:04

AIBU is not a support board.

I love it here, I love that you can give your opinion freely without moderation. But you do need to be able to take being told "To shut the fuck up" when people disagree with that opinion.

There have been a lot of whining threads lately, I hope it doesn't change the flavour of the board. It's strength is being able to get clear and unmoderated opinions from a variety of different people with different backgrounds and situations.

Mumsnet has stacks of support boards but AIBU is not one of them.

OrmIrian Tue 13-Oct-09 12:03:50

I think that posting anything in IABU can be seen as quite combative to start with. The OP makes a statement and asks for people's opinions, presumably expecting some of those to be different from their own. Whether the differing opinions are expressed gently or not will depend on the character of the poster that replies, their state of mind at the time, and their strength of feeling on the subject. That is inevitable.

The problem arises when an OP is feeling a bit fragile or concerned already and has then to deal with a barrage of disagreement. In which case IABU is not the right place.

VineGruesomeTits Tue 13-Oct-09 12:04:06

I think if you feel personally attack by a post, then just report it to MN, simples

People take things in different ways, some take things to heart, some dont, some are more sensitive than others, you have the ability to report it, online bullying, you just being dramatic

Knickers0nMaHead Tue 13-Oct-09 12:04:28

Op, maybe, it would of been better for you to post your thread in money/legal matters?

mrshibbins Tue 13-Oct-09 12:04:49

Oh I'm no arbiter of coolness, is it a MN rule?

I still expect that a lawyer would know how to spell basic legal terminology hmm - it just made me not believe you, that's all, AitchTwoToTangOh ... I worked in a large corporate law firm for years and know what sticklers lawyers are.

I'm not just posting about THAT thread, that's just an example. I've seen loads of this kind of thing on MN and it always dismays me.

Differences of opinion are EXPECTED and that's why people POST here - to get all POV.

But snarky, uncalled for, unhelpful remarks shouldn't be expected IMHO. What I teach my DD - speak to others as you would want to be spoken to.

AitchTwoToTangOh Tue 13-Oct-09 12:06:24

lolol, you might want to take some of your own advice there, mrsh. grin grin grin

mrshibbins Tue 13-Oct-09 12:07:18

??? sorry I don't get you.

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