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to not want a sibling younger than my own children?????

(117 Posts)
beaniesinthebucketagain Mon 12-Oct-09 14:48:01

I know i probably am, as most of you will think its none of my business,

Im 21 i have a 26mnth and 10mnth old ds and dd, My mum recently re married to someone i choose not to spend time around after he hit my son, I still see my mum often we are and always have been close she has my sister 4 and brother one with her new husband, she admits she had my brother through jealousy that i had ds! It caused alot of friction in the family,
Whilst pregnant with my brother she was extremely ill and we nearly lost her several times, when he was born i had to step in and care for him as she was in recovery for 48hrs!
Ive since had my dd, and mum had said she could never have another due to health and how hard it is for her keeping up with the kids, plus she cant be a proper grandma!
She has just texted me;

Please dont be angry, im pregnant, ive told (husband) and hes soo soo pleased i dont know what to think, i know youll be pissed because youve finished your family.

Well yes i am pissed, im sorry but shell be lucky to survive it, she has text again saying she doesnt want it but he does and so on, Im just angry i feel like shes ruining my family ive completed i already get comments from strangers about having far younger siblings and so on, and i simply DONT want a sibling younger than my own youngest child

Its been agreed that im legal gaurdian to siblings, as her husband is just useless hes said if she died, hed be a weekend dad and me sole carer this is all agreed in the will, I DONT WANT TO DO THAT!!!! obviously, without a second thought id care for them, i adore them both but im 21 i have two of my own and i want to enjoy them, is she not being a bit selfish doing as she pleases and bugger the consequences for her children and grandchildren that are here, shes heading toward 50, she should be a bit more responsible!

FimbleHobbs Mon 12-Oct-09 14:55:35

To be quite honest you are sounding like a brat. I'd love to have siblings younger than my DC. But my mum died when she was 26 so I don't have the luxury of being angry with anything she does.

doubleexpresso Mon 12-Oct-09 14:56:17

YANBU. You are having a natural reaction to what sounds like a very difficult situation. I really feel for you and think your Mum should have thought about all the possible consequences of her actions before becoming pregnant again. I'm astonished she's been able to get pregnant if she's heading towards 50. There's not a lot you can do as you've been presented with a situation that is not of your doing. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

beaniesinthebucketagain Mon 12-Oct-09 14:56:49

Did you not see the point i made that another pregnancy means we will very likely all loose our mum!

alwayslookingforanswers Mon 12-Oct-09 14:56:51

I have a friend (well 2 of them actually) who have grandchildren who are older than their youngest child grin

(oh and agree with Fimbles sentiments)

bronze Mon 12-Oct-09 14:58:10

Two different issues
Brattish= not wanting sibling younger than own child
Reasonable - worried about her health after last time and being apprehensive because of what the pressures it might put on you and your family if anything did happen to her

AMumInScotland Mon 12-Oct-09 14:58:25

OK, I think there are a number of issues here. IF your mum was happy to have another, and hadn't had such problems with her last pregnancy, I'd be telling you to butt out and deal with your feelings about her having children after you had finished your family.

It doesn't sound like she deliberately chose to get pregnant to spite you, so being angry with her doesn't seem to be a fair reaction.

But could you manage to have a sensible conversation with her about the health risks if she carries on with the pregnancy? It sounds like she has doubts herself, and maybe is letting him push her into carrying on with the pg despite her doubts.

Please don't make this about you - it should be about her and whether she can have another child safely. She isn't doing this in order to ruin your family or to have the youngest, she's found herself pregnant again and needs somone to support and help her.

beaniesinthebucketagain Mon 12-Oct-09 14:58:28

thanks doubleexpresso,
its awful shes my mum we are so close but im selfishly thinking of the devastating impact it would have on me my brother and sister and my dcs, i dont know what to do i dont want to fall out with her but i by no means want her to think i support her stupididty!

alwayslookingforanswers Mon 12-Oct-09 14:58:52

yes I saw that bit - but it reads that your biggest issue is that you'll have a sibling that's younger than your own children.

Perhaps if the issue of your mothers health is the major factor for you you could try reposting emphasising that rather than the age of children thing smile

FimbleHobbs Mon 12-Oct-09 15:00:50

Sorry I did totally misread that part. Not being unreasonable to worry for your mum and about the worst happening. But that doesn't have anything to do with the ages of the other children in the family.

doubleexpresso Mon 12-Oct-09 15:02:12

I don't think you're being selfish at all. You're reacting naturally. It would have a devastating impact on all of you if she died and that impact would last forever. Ask her if she has seen her GP or midwife yet and perhaps offer to go with her. I feel really sorry for you and your family. Talk to her and find out how she's really feeling in a few days when the dust has settled a bit.

bigchris Mon 12-Oct-09 15:02:39

well it's done now isnt it so you have to decide whether or not you want to be there for her or not

i would ask for the will to be changed if you really dont want to be the legal guardian sad

how old is your mum?

beaniesinthebucketagain Mon 12-Oct-09 15:02:54

Sorry if its come across that way, yes i would be a bit pissed having older kids than siblings but main issue is her health and that we all need our mum and tbh i dont want an extra 3 children because she was to silly to take precautions! she just texted me minutes before i posted and asked me to tell no one so i need some way and some people to help me run through this and make some sense before i talk to her and say all the wrong things!

beaniesinthebucketagain Mon 12-Oct-09 15:07:10

i apologize now if i make no sense or go around in circles

doubleexpresso- She found out at the gps today, thought she was going through the change but obv isnt! they have warned her immediately its dangerous

Bigchris- I do want to be there guardian, there is no one else other than mum and there dad who knows them like i do and has been such a part of there lives, i just didnt realise shed purposefully endanger herself and leave me with the possibility of 4 under 4 to care for!!! she is 47, her husband is 24, as you can see this is all very complicated.

itsmeolord Mon 12-Oct-09 15:09:47

YANBU. Your mother knows the health risks but seems to think it's ok because you will be there to pick up the pieces.
At 21, you are just entering into the world of having a young family of your own and should be enjoying that as much as possible, not worrying about dealing the real possibility of your mothers death and very young siblings to look after.
I don't think i would have relished the thought of being a parent to 5 children at age 21.
Thats before you consider the effect it could have on your realtionship with your partner/husband.

Add into that mix the fact that you do not wish to have anything to do with your step father and it all becomes even more contentious.

I don't think you are being a brat, I think your mum is.

itsmeolord Mon 12-Oct-09 15:12:49

oh fuck me your stepfather is only 3 yrs older than you! This gets even more complicated with each post!

TBH, if he has already stated he only wants to be "weekend dad" and would happily turn his children over to someone els to raise then he sounds like a total cock.

Is your mum having children because she thinks it will make him stay?

AMumInScotland Mon 12-Oct-09 15:13:48

If the gp has already told her it will be dangerous, then she'll obviously be having to think through this herself as well - I'm sure she's just as aware as you are of the possibility that carrying on with this pg will potentially leave her children without her.

Only she can decide whether to take that risk, and I don't think that being angry at her will help - if she thought it was the change, then she maybe didn't think she needed contraception any more - in the past, most people's families had one or two late "surprises" because people thought they were past it.

If possible, can you meet up with her (without DC!) and talk about this - I'm sure she'll value your support and concern, specially if you make it clear you're sad and scared, not angry.

BarakObamasTransitVan Mon 12-Oct-09 15:14:33

YABVVVVVU to complain about having siblings younger than yourself, especially when you are so young (although how on earth did she get pg at almost 50?)
YANBU to be worried that she will go through with this pg and die, leaving you without a mum and furthermore having to look after her other dc. Her dp should be less effing selfish - is he putting pressure on her not to have a termination?

BarakObamasTransitVan Mon 12-Oct-09 15:17:01

Oh - and is she really pg? Apparently menopausal women can have HCG in their urine.

diddl Mon 12-Oct-09 15:18:58

OK,don´t know much about law, but wouldn´t a legal guardian only come into place when there are no parents?

I think the fact that your mum has told her husband obviously means that she will have the baby.

You need to get over it & be there for your mum.

You won´t be the first in this position.

A very good friend of mine has an aunty a similar age to her, & I think with second families it is happening more frequently again.

bigchris Mon 12-Oct-09 15:20:48

good point barack

it will be so tiring for her at 47 and with young kids to look after
maybe you could gently suggest she sorts out contraception after this one
hope the 24 yr old sticks around

beaniesinthebucketagain Mon 12-Oct-09 15:24:34

itsmeolord- NAIL ON THE HEAD!!! my sister was a result of him cheating so she had to drag him back, and then they suddenly married!

I want to be there for her BUT my loyalty lies with tom and charley theyre babies!!! My children have a wonderful father, he is an amazing daddy so i know should i need to step up for my siblings they would be fine in it all, but still as much as i know id care for them the thought of its horrifying!!!

I know i need to talk to her but i just dont know where to start or what to say, this is such a minefield!!!

Barak- I can only hope that's a possibility for her sake, i cant imagine how she is feeling.

I would very much like to go get in the childrens tent, stick my fingers in my ears and join in with there screaming game theyve just started!

Malificence Mon 12-Oct-09 15:28:00

If her health is really at risk then she should be persuaded to have an early termination, you are entirely justified in feeling the way you do, expecting you to be some kind of parental back up is selfish in the extreme.
Having a baby again at 47 is ridiculous even if you're healthy, her 24 year old husband sounds like an idiot!

VineGruesomeTits Mon 12-Oct-09 15:30:21

I think you need to get over yourself and be there to support your mum through this tough time, accidents do happen, were both your dc planned?

diddl Mon 12-Oct-09 15:33:26

I agree that if her health really is at risk she should consider termination.

And if the father wouldn´t look after them without her, I´m not sure why she´s delighted, tbh.

Sounds as if she could soon be a single mum!

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