To stop my dd1 from playing in her football tournament tuesday

[chochappy]

Well.. I really hope this doesn't come across as petty and harsh but here goes..

My dd was in a strop because she was bored and couldn't be bothered to find something to do (she's 10), she seems to take great pleasure in winding my and her Dad up when she's nothing else to do.

She was making a mess in the front room and when I asked her to tidy it up she refused, saying why should she! I retorted that as I did not make the mess then I shouldn't be expected to tidy it either, well after asking/telling several times and her refusing to do it she was sent to her room and as usual sat there and refused to go! Well I shouted very loudly and chased her up the stairs in sheer frustration.

This isn't the first time she's behaved this way and often is rude and ignorant and uses us a her form of entertainment trying to get a rise out of us, sometimes we don't let it happen others I'm at boiling point!

Well after this episode we've told her she can't do her tournenment this week, she's going to be letting people down by not doing it so now I'm feeling bad! I need to stick to my guns to show there are consiquences to her actions.. What to do?

[bubblerock]

Can you not use another punishment? It seems a shame to let the whole team down and stop her doing a healthy activity - as long as she doesn't see it as you giving in, more that you are not prepared for the consequences of her behaviour to be felt by the rest of the team (iyswim)

[LilyBolero]

YABU - it's not fair of you to make her let others down. She definitely needs her behaviour reining in, but letting a team down isn't the way to do it, and will just cause problems and headaches for others.

In this case I think you would be wise to talk to her and say that you have realised that to enforce this would be hurting others, and therefore not appropriate, but that you will be docking pocket money/giving her extra chores/taking other privileges instead.

[Hulababy]

Can you speak to her coach? See if him/her can discuss her behaviour and how, if these punishments are the only way you can get her to behave, She is kletting down her team by refusing to behave elsewhere.

[BlueBumedFly]

Once we did this, it was in relaliation to a comment of 'you never stick to any threats so I may as well keep on doing x,y and z.

You have to draw the line and make her sit up and listen. I would do the same thing tbh, she is letting others down and they may moan at her, maybe she will think again before bring rude next time. She is old enough to know this is not how to behave.

I would personally stick now you have said it or it will come back to bite you longterm.

[stealthsquiggle]

YANBU but...

IIWY I would get her coach to have a word ASAP about letting down the team and, assuming that has the right effect (i.e. that she is devastated) I would then engineer an opportunity for her to 'earn' back the right to play.

[AuntieMaggie]

I would stick to it now you've said it

[tillykins]

Now you have told her, I would stick to your guns too and say she can't play in it

It may be letting the rest of her team down - unless they have others on standby - but explain to the coach / teacher / whoever, that she has behaved badly at home and this is her punishment

then tell her what you have said

I think knowing her coach knows, prob have more impact than the punishment itself

And for future, perhaps you can tell her that if you don't do X Y and Z as I have asked, then the consequences of that will be A, B and C - then she has no excuse!

[chochappy]

Thanks to everyone for you comments.

It's difficult to put in to words just how awkward she can be, unfortunately taking away other priviliges/sending to her room/grounding etc does not work for my dd, she just doesn't care! She'll smile and say okay to whatever me and dh dish out.

I've spoken to her teacher this morning and she's going to have a word with the coach and (school tournement) and make sure that all is okay to miss it this time.

I hope this has some impact on the way she behaves in the furture as I've quite honestly run out of ideas, nothing seems to affect her..

This morning when i mentioned I'd be coming to school to speak to her teacher she replied with 'oh well at least I get to go to the baptist church and and squash and biscuits!' I course said she wasn't.

Does anyone else have a child that just says NO to anything you ask them to do, or seem to think you're their personal slave? She's always been expected to do things for herself and be responsible for her actions, be caring and considerate but it would seem all of this goes out of the window when she's asked to do something very simple like tidying up her mess!

Sorry if that's a bit long winded but i'm at a loss..

[stealthsquiggle]

It is presumably all bravado on her part. Fingers crossed that the front crumbles if/when Coach gives her the 'you have really let the team down by forcing your parents into this situation' talk. IM (very limited)E even children who maintain that they 'don't care' what their parents say/do/think do care very much about other people knowing how much trouble they are in...

[Niecie]

She sounds a lot like my 6 yr old DS so I shall await your replies with interest. He often wilfully refuses to do as he is told, including doing homework or helping out.

Is she not bothered about the coach knowing about her behaviour? I frighten DS into doing as he is told by telling him I would write to the headteacher to say he is refusing to do his homework. Usually works.

She is tougher than he is if she isn't frightened by that one (although he is younger of course)!

All I can think of is that your refuse to do things for her, if she refuses to do things for you. Slightly different from banning her from the football for misbehaving. More like refusing to take her as she didn't help you. Reinforces the message that we help each other out rather than merely being a punishment.

It is supremely frustrating though I know!!

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

I don't think you are being in the slightest way U. The team should have substitutes and your dd must learn that when you issue a threat/punishment you carry it out. My dd does on occasion behave like yours. In the past I would say she couldn't do this or that and then for an easy life let her do it. She obviously realised that my punishments were hollow and her behaviour escalated so much that I wanted to leave home. She has learned now that if I ask her to do something (and I really don't ask her to do much), if she doesn't do it, one of her prized possesions will be removed. Usually a soft toy, she doesn't do team games yet. She was astonised to be taken from a birthday party for screaming last year despite being asked not to.

[chochappy]

It's quite a relief to know I'm not alone, I was starting to think that her behaviour was unique as no one else I've spoken to at school could believe she could be like this or admit that their own children were the same.

Niecie and stealth - she doesn't seem at all bothered about her coach knowing, unless she's very could at covering her feelings
, she is incredibly stubborn.

I will ask that she is spoken to in school about it, i know it's not necessarily their responsibiliy to discipline my dd but she's very well behaved at school and to be told off might there have a bigger bearing on her than if either me or dh did it.

So thanks again to you all for your opinions, over and out! x

[mayorquimby]

i wouldn't let the letting other people down reason stop you from using the punishment. as long as they have subs and are not dependant on her to compete i say go for it.
it'd be a great lesson for her either way because either her team will do worse for not having her and she'll see that she has let them all down due to her actions or else they'll do well and she'll realise she's missed out on something great and it'snobodies fault but her own.