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not to go to the funeral of a son of a mum I don't know very well from our small village school?

(12 Posts)
Barrelofloves Fri 09-Oct-09 21:51:29

An adult son of a local mum I know but not well passed away after a long illness, I met him briefly once, I rang to say my commiserations but didn't know that the funeral was yesterday. Was I being U not to go? Or should I have made the effort to have known about it? I feel a bit mortified tbh that a friend has made it plain to me I should have been aware.

I saw the funeral party crowd but didn't recognise anyone.

smoking2shoes Fri 09-Oct-09 21:53:04

I only go to funerals that I have to

Barrelofloves Fri 09-Oct-09 21:54:54

Thank you I can sleep well tonight now!

chegirl Fri 09-Oct-09 22:00:23

I dont think you should feel bad about it. How were you to know? Its nice that you rang and it would be lovely to follow that up with a note/card in the next few weeks. Things go very quiet once the funeral is over.

It is 'nice' when there are loads and loads of people at the funeral but I doubt the mum will remember individuals. I have no clue who came to my DD's funeral.

Personally I go to lots of funerals because I know how important it is for the family to feel that people cared but I wouldnt feel bad if I were in your position. You didnt snub anyone or refuse to go, you didnt know and you bothered to talk to the mum personally.

boolifooli Fri 09-Oct-09 22:00:36


ChunkyMonkeysMum Fri 09-Oct-09 22:07:17

YANBU, you didn't know. Don't feel bad about it. As chegirl said, send a card or a note in the next few weeks.

lavenderkate Fri 09-Oct-09 22:11:17

I think you are very brave to have rung and I am sure that means a huge amount to his mother.

It is therefore, IMO its totally irrelevent whether you went to the funeral. Usually theyre such grief stricken moments that you have no idea who went.

But a personal phonecall?
That was lovely of you, Barrelofloves.

rolledhedgehog Sun 11-Oct-09 18:43:11

It is rare for people to care enough to phone in my exoperience. Most people not brave enough.

Well done for that.

Northernlurker Sun 11-Oct-09 19:26:35

It always annoys me when other people take it on themselves to make people feel bad about the way they've grieved or have joined in other's grieving. There's always some busybody who will say you should have done x, y or z. Never, ever the people most intimately concerned because they have more immediate and terrible matters on their mind. You heard about the death, you reacted appropriately, you showed love and care. Even if you had gone to the funeral it wouldn't have meant any greater contribution and support than you had already shown.

Barrelofloves Sun 11-Oct-09 21:14:37

Thank you so much for your responses, they mean a lot to me. I'm planning on inviting her and younger dc around for tea a little later in the month.

Thanks again xx

2rebecca Mon 12-Oct-09 10:09:15

I think some people are a bit ghoulish about funerals and see them as social occasions they should attend even if they didn't know the family well and scour the local papers for details of deaths.
I don't go to funerals of people I'm not close to. The funerals I have attended I've usually been informed of by the family concerned. Only exception to this would be workmates when I'd expect the family to let the work know of funerals or someone at work would chase up the details.

purpleduck Mon 12-Oct-09 10:12:20

I think calling the mum was far more personal and thoughtful than just going to the funeral would have been.

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