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Grandmother favours her other grandchildren - feeling sad for DD

(33 Posts)
anonymous85 Fri 09-Oct-09 17:05:36

Hi

I've just joined, wanted to spill this all out and see what people think and get some advice on the matter. It's really be bothering me and I'm finding it hard to sleep at night with thinking about it, and getting upset

Bit of a lowdown on our situation.... We have one daughter and another on the way. DH's sister has 3 and his bro has 1 from his wifes previous marriage. DH's mum use to be a childcare worker, and so is his sister.

His sister always and I mean always has comment to say about everyone - in a way to make people look bad and I think it is to make herself look good - and really manipulates her mum - like she's trying to poision her with thinking bad stuff about people.

She complains that they're poor, when they're on a descent wage, not as much as we are on so she keeps telling us - but she goes on she wants nothing but the best, spends big, then goes to DH's parents for handouts. Example is DH's nephews party, she spends hundreds on his bday presents, then cries poor. Takes DH's father to spotlight and he buys all the party stuff - you think since they're paying now, you would go basic - but no she still wants nothing but the best and goes all out bigtime and overboard with them paying. I know she makes them feel bad by making out they're missing out. And they defintely arent everytime we see their kids they have new toys to show off.

She's said stuff about how her eldest is the oldest grandchild, not FH's bro's son because his not blood related. She tells her daughter who is 5 and a half that she is the boss, because she is the eldest, her daughter bosses our DD around like nothing else, "get this, go get that" etc our DD is 4 in 2 months. The other day at the get together, they have a kids table for the kids and us adults sit at our own table, they make a place for DH's niece at the adult table. DD is at the kids table and then asks outloud in front of everyone "how come ___ is at the big table" instead of with the other kids like they normally are. MIL quickly says to DD "becuase ____ is 5 and a half years old, and older than you". I am so sick of them giving her this power over DD and telling her she's boss over her. We're then encouraging DD to eat her food, they their son, then __ hops off without having to eat. The __ organises a concert. The last one DD didnt want to dance and DH's sister goes on and on how DD is shy - which she normally is not, but I heard how __ was bossing her around and talking to her like dirt. Again with this next concert DD gets up for her turn and _ wont sit down and let her have a turn, she's standing their bossing DD around - and you'd think they would tell her it is DD's turn.

DD starts bawling which is never like her, she finally tells me that __ hit her in the head with this hard wand - in front of her mum, and no she doesn't get her to apologise. On the way home DD goes on how _ never said sorry. I know if I heard that DD made another child upset by hurting them I'd get her to apologise - and SIL knows better too.

DH's parents spend heaps on them buying little presents throughout the year, and spend a lot more on them for christmas.

I know __ was quieter, and they held her back from school for this reason, she's very bright and advanced. Now she's loud, and I don't like them giving her permission to boss DD around, like don't use DD to boss around to boost her confidence and the whole you're the eldest, and not pulling her up on not playing nice and getting her to apologise. They do go on now "she's such a leader..." My heart went out to DD when she noticed how she got to sit at the table then her grandma went on with all that rubbish. My mum would'nt dare be like that, or favourtise one over the other. I guess I'm just upset everythings not fair, and feel they're using DD to boost ____ up, by not pulling her up on her rudeness when they see it and having her own special rules etc.

I think I need a break for a while! Last visit DH's sister had the nerve to pester me to have DD and __ together more often becuase they play so differently and play so well. I know what they're up to.

If anyone read this thanks lol feel a bit better after writing, I know this sounds really petty, but it makes me sick to my stomach especially that DD is picking up on all their garbage.

elmofan Fri 09-Oct-09 17:23:02

hi , just made it to the end of your post grin
feel sad for your dd , its an awkward situation but if you don't stand up for your dd then things will never change iyswim ,
maybe you should make little comments like - when your dd was hit in the head & upset & your sil did not make her dd apologise you could say something along the lines of " oh dd i am sure x did not mean to hurt you , did she say sorry ?(glance over at sil) & wait for her to reply .
if nothing else it should make her feel uncomfortable , also try to boost your dd's confidence before you go anywhere that your dn will also be , & if i was you i would make a little comment (in a nice kind of way) about her being a " bossy boots "
good luck smile

franklymydear Fri 09-Oct-09 17:32:53

mothers are closer to their daughter's children than their sons children in general

you need to stick up for your daughter and if her own mother doesn't ask her to apologise you need to ask her to

you should have said no it isn't fair because she's only a year older so you come and sit here too

much of it is up to you

anonymous85 Fri 09-Oct-09 17:33:46

Thanks so much elmofan

I did make a comment from the other day actaully. I walked past the room where they were playing and DN was going at it to DD. I said "the poor kids, DN is going on DNephew go pack this away, DD go do that". Her grandma (MIL) quickly retorted "if they didn't want to be there they wouldn't".

Yeah I only said to DD I'm sure it was a accident, next time I'll insinuate for the apology more.

And next time I'm going to place DD at the big table too :D

elmofan Fri 09-Oct-09 18:14:01

mmm it seems like your mil is allowing your dn to rule the roost , is your dn an only child ? definitely sit your dd at the top table next time , she is entitled to be there just as much as dn , tbh i cant stand people who have favourites between children , its so unfair & the children always pick up on that sort of attitude , my GM was a bit like that when i was little , whenever she went away she would bring us all back gifts , i always remember been given the same thing every year - a school shirt hmm while my cousins (same age) got make up or jewellery , it used to upset me at the time , so try make sure your dd gets treated equally smile

babyelvis Fri 09-Oct-09 18:58:01

My MIL clearly favours DH's younger sister's 3 children - it drives me (I have 2 children) and DH's older sister (who has 2 girls) insane.

She will simply see no wrong in them and to be honest, the eldest 2 aged 7 and 9 are complete brats who still throw themselves on the floor in tantrums if things don't go their way. Yet if my 4yr old has a wobble, she will look at her disaprovingly and have a go at her. She also has the 3 kids for a whole weekend once a month yet has NEVER once had either of my children overnight. (she says it's because we haven't asked!!! How about offering once in a while!)

The last straw for me was last years birthdays. The 3 favoured kids got cards which read "to my gorgeous/yummy/scrumptious xxx have an amazing/fabulous/brilliant day. We love you vey much etc etc (you get the idea)
My DD got - "Dear XX Happy birthday, much love nan and grandad" It might as well been written by a complete stranger for all the emotion she put into it.

I feel so angry for my kids. The only saving grace is that is not just my kids getting left out. When the other SIL confronted her once she got SO offended that anyone would dare suggest she showed favouratism. Even the SIL who's kids are favoured agrees it goes on - she is lovely and feels terrible about it.

I've just come to the conclusion now that MIL is an old witch and if she doesn't think my kids are as important as her other grandchildren it's her bloody loss!

anonymous85 Sat 10-Oct-09 02:32:44

Thanks for the imput guys, good to know I'm not alone, even though its a sad thing to be happening - you'd think it would be obvious it's not fair for the other children.

SIL has 3 children nin total. She's always raved how DN is the eldest and I guess she thinks this deserves some kind of special medal and special treatment.

Yep she is giving her permission to rule the roost - permission that greatly involves our DD which I find disgusting angry

I really feel like doing something to piss her off about it. Definitely going to speak up when it's happening for DD sake.

anonymous85 Sat 10-Oct-09 03:04:46

Just wanted to add too, in the past I have rung up DH's mum and spoken to her about how several things she was doing was upseting me. Even bought up he calling their spare room DN's room and the eldest grandchild thing SIL goes on about but other DN isn't because he isn't a real cousin - not by blood and said it sickend me, and her saying she wants her one on one with DD then always having her other GC over when we have planned something (she has the other 3 all the time) said DD will pick up on all this stuff.

Obviously she does with DD asking how come DN gets to sit with the adults, and thinking back to when I spoke to her about stuff and what I said. I think with her responses to DD and me I think they could have really been deliberate - like to piss me off, because she really does know how I feel.

Yep I'm defnintely going to say something and make her feel bad. DH hates confrontation and didnt want me to call her that time but it was needed, and it did really help and settle till now. And seriously when I will say something she and SIL are they ones that are in the wrong and will look bad. But then MIL is very quick with her responses and I'm not so gifted at retorted as she is.

Tortington Sat 10-Oct-09 03:24:47

we moved 100 miles from MIL

thorugh circumstance of life the BIL moved here.

MIL & FIL favour youngest son and his children

they visited for two weeks. they saw my children once. AS teenagers now, i don't force them to go,

IMO - if you want a relationship - you don't just turn up one day and expect one. you reep what you sow. or as i said to dh and dd - you an't expect much out if ytou put nothing in.

i felt v. stressed over the blatant favouratism - the other kids got stuff at xmas becuase they were strapped for cash and at 6/7 my kids wouls beable to understand..that kind of thing.

so - i just thought - fuck it

fuck them
and the horse they rode in on.

i will be polite for dh's sake

my kids have their own minds

Tortington Sat 10-Oct-09 03:25:03

300 miles

USERSRLOSERS Sat 10-Oct-09 14:13:25

Message withdrawn

KatieScarlett2833 Sat 10-Oct-09 14:17:31

Userlosers, I am so embarrassed for you.

VirginiaLoveGlove Sat 10-Oct-09 14:19:49

when telling off someone else about her spelling, it is a good idea to spell 'inarticulate' correctly. grin

mamadiva Sat 10-Oct-09 14:20:43

Might I advise a grammar lesson before judging other people's spelling dear? hmm

But still rather amused by your little childlike rant, now off you go to your lonely little life.

mamadiva Sat 10-Oct-09 14:22:36

X-post with Katie and Virginia.

AitchTwoToTangOh Sat 10-Oct-09 14:22:40

shame on you userloser.

what about your parents, OP?

VirginiaLoveGlove Sat 10-Oct-09 14:24:48

and get some netiquette with the grammar and spelling lessons. they may do buy 2 get the cheapest for free.

shouting, personal attack and bad spelling all in one sentence??
Custy you need to find a better class of stalker grin

RealityBites Sat 10-Oct-09 14:29:27

Message withdrawn

mamadiva Sat 10-Oct-09 14:35:51

KnickKnack and Reality

Anyway back to OP.

How does your DD react when you say you are going to visit SIL and Grandparents? If she gets upset then I would just stop taking her and explain exactly why to this 'family'.

They really do sound horrid but I have to say my heart goes out to their children too because I would imagine they are probably pushy parents, encouraging their children to use and abuse people to gain 'confidence' will backfire on them big time when they realise their DD is walking all over them!

What does your OH think of all this?

scaryteacher Sat 10-Oct-09 14:46:55

We have this as well, and I don't know if it deliberate, or just because we have always lived at a distance from mil in the UK, and are now abroad.

She rings up and tells me that she is doing x with dnephew (16) and dniece(14) (bils kids) for a Christmas treat, but doesn't think to invite my ds. We are only an hour away on Eurostar fgs. It's happening again this Christmas. DS is 14 soon and tells me it bothers me more than it bothers him, but it still hurts for him.

I think I just have to accept that is the way it is and get on with it. She misses out on a close relationship with ds, like the one my mum has with him.

Doodleydoo Sat 10-Oct-09 14:50:09

I think UsersRlosers is having a bad day. (meow)

OP I could be writing this thread myself - MIL so favours other GC its ridiculous which I have commented on before. And no lets face it it isn't about being money grabbing its about wanting the same respect for your child that your SIL gets. How very bloody rude to not include this step child, if that is the way they want to play it (having been in childcare no less) then they are the kind of people who are responsible for the breakdown of society and families. Its a fact of life that people sometimes don't stay together for a variety of reasons. I feel terrible for your DD and I feel even worse for you DNephew who I really hope you don't consider to not be part of the family. If this was the case then anyone not blood related would not be important - DIL/SonIL that marry into the family.

I say screw them, and agree on the reap what you sow aspect of things. So sad for dd and obviously it affects her at nearly 4 as she has mentioned it. Makes me want to pull my finger out with my own PIL and make sure they start acting in a fair manner.

On the plus side for me, so nice to know someone else in the same situation and that I have every right to feel our family being treated UR.

Good luck - have not got any really helpful suggestions as otherwise would have used them but pls keep us updated for hints and tips and shall do the same for you! wink

scaryteacher Sat 10-Oct-09 14:50:34

and also.....Users, Custardo has been posting on here for years and always has useful and well thought out contributions to make. I've learned a lot about handling my ds from what she has posted in the past.

I've noticed you on a couple of other threads, and have seen that you can take your caps lock off. If you want to be taken seriously and get involved in the discussions on here, can you calm down a bit please?

milranter Sat 10-Oct-09 15:47:03

hello <waves>

What I want to understand is why all the pettiness?
Seems to me theres a lot of energy being invested in telling you you're family is not as loved/precious/important/whatever as SIL's family.
Why the need to spell it out?

I mean if I were a 'favouring' MIL I would surely treat everyone the same so they don't suspect and spoil the ones I wanted to spoil behind everyone's back. Surely the indulgence would be greater then? Or does it not have any value if there isn't an audience?

The table incident anonymous85, I'm sure I would have insisted that they sit together at the children's table or my DC also be able to join everyone at the big table. I wouldn't have allowed it to happen. There might have been a little scene wink

katiestar Sat 10-Oct-09 17:47:01

I think its quite usual for a grandmother to feel closer to her daughter's children than her son's.
I also think its pretty normal for a 5 year old girl to boss younge kids around especially if they are willing to do what she tells them.My mum does the whole children's table thing because there are just too many people to fit round the dining table now.So what we do is make a big fuss of the eldest child on the children's table and about how he or she is in charge of the littler ones.
Also the wand incident.Its a bit hard to know what really happened if your DD was crying because she wanted a turn at performing ,it seems a bit strange that she didn't report the wand incident to you at the time.
I don't honestly think any of the things you have stated are atrocities but I do think there is a lot of resentment from you towards your DHs sister and mother and I can't help wondering if it's cause is a lot deeper seated than this ?

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