SIL and her poxy go-kart

[CaresMildly]

My husband works for his sister's company. He enjoys it and takes it seriously. He is grateful to his sister for this, and I was too.

A few months ago SIL and BIL started talking about getting into go-karting, they have a friend who does it and they wanted to have a go. All fine. DH mentions it to me, we have a snigger about them and their enthusiasms, and that was it afaik.

Then, round at their house one day for a coffee, SIL announces that they have bought DH's kart. I am but don't say anything. It turns out that SIL and BIL decided that BIL won't be doing the actual racing, they want my DH for that. This entails time at weekends to work on the poxy kart, as well as about 6 weekends through the summer away doing the races. Not that much you might say and I agree that 6 weekends away is not a huge amount BUT ...

• I can't go because DD is only 14 months and a race track is just not set up for her. I went with DH when he took his test and it was hell. DD wanting to run around but nowhere really suitable, dog had to be shut in the car because couldn't manage him and DD whilst DH was off driving.

• DH is in his 40s and has never shown any interest in karting before, so why is it suddenly so important that he'll miss out on time with me and our family?

• SIL went ahead and bought this fucking kart and a load of kit to go with it before actually getting DH's agreement, so now he feels honour-bound to do it because otherwise she has wasted her money (and I guess he feels that because she employs him he doesn't want to let her down).

• At work he is now in full charge of both SIL's companies which is great, but means longer hours in the office and knackered when he gets home. I am turning into a 1950s housewife clock-watching for him to get home and moaning if he is 5 mintues late.

Our marriage is turning into a joke - he nearly walked out last night and I wasn't inclined to stop him. My own work has been scaled back so I can look after DD most of the time - I do 2 mornings a week in the office. I feel unhappy about this as the 3 of them (DH, SIL and BIL) all have their grown-up world and I am left out entirely. I have no family of my own up here, so if there is a childcare crisis (which there has been this week) then I have no-one to fall back on. I have missed a deadline with my own work because DH is too busy with his work to help me out.

The first race is coming up next weekend and I am dreading the next week which will be arguing and sulks and silences. That will be me. I can't help it, I feel DH is rejecting me when I look forward to our weekends together so much. I also feel he is rejecting DD who also wants time with him, and that hurts even more. But most of all I am really hating SIL who should have had some thought before buying this poxy fucking go-kart in the first place. AIBU?

[BoysAreLikeDogs]

This is more about your marriage than the poxy go kart innit

[Uriel]

YANBU. Sounds like he's got more to do in his life than he's got the hours for.

Are they taking out accident insurance for him?

[diddl]

"They have bought DH´s kart"

Presumably after he said no he wasn´t interested, thank you.

In which case YANBU.

But if your husband wants to do it, blame him not your ILs.

[MmeGoblindt]

Does your DH now want to race?

Your SIL is being unreasonable, but your DH could have said no.

I agree with BALD, this is about your marriage not the go-kart.

[MintyCane]

Is this a joke ? I was imagining my SIL in one of her lovely Boden "jolly outfits" in a go cart from the title PMSL

[CaresMildly]

I don't get why it's about our marriage. All was fine until SIL bought the kart. Now DH is torn between upsetting his sister (and employer) who has spent a load of money on it, or upsetting me.

As far as I know, when SIL/BIL brought up the topic of having a kart in the first place DH was enthusiastic but he did not know that they intended to a) buy the thing or b) make him the chief driver. He was also a bit shocked when she announced she'd bought it.

However, he does say that there is nothing wrong in having a hobby and thinks that I am being unreasonable. I don't think I am - I just want other points of view.

[BoysAreLikeDogs]

you say that you feel DH is rejecting you

you say that your marriage is turning in to a joke

you say that he nearly walked out last night



I say that the go karting is a handle for you to hang your marital grievances on

I am sorry that you are having such a shitty time

[DuelingFANGo]

Sounds to me like it's your husband you shold be pissed off with. He's obviously agreed to do it without discussing it with you.

[LadyoftheBathtub]

6 weekends away over the summer not a huge amount!??? I would not be impressed with that at all, let alone the rest of it. Summer weekends are for spending with the DC doing fun stuff. Unless you are getting 6 weekends to swan off amusing yourself while he stays at home with DD? Put that to him - because that's the only way it would be fair (although then of course you'd have no time together at all).

This whole thing is outrageous. I can see he's a bit stuck with not wanting to say no to his sister as he works for her, but if I were you I'd be telling him he has a choice to make. If he really doesn't want to do this, he can say to her "I'm sorry but I am not keen on this, I didn't agree to it and it's too much time away from my family, so no". She can sell the stuff or find some other sucker if she wants. If that would really cause a problem with his job, he'll have to find another. Your marriage is at stake.

If he actually does want to do it and is just using her as an excuse, then that's a serious issue and you need to discuss with him a) why he wants to be away from you and DD so much and b) why he thinks that just because you're the mum you can look after DD at weekends while he arses around with a go-kart. That is out of order and unfair and no-one should put up with it.

[diddl]

Of course there´s nothing wrong with a hobby.

Although most adults choose it themselves.

Perhaps he does really want to do it, but is using his sister as an excuse?

Not knowing her, is it likely she would do this without his agreement?

Is ther anyone else in the company who could do it?

Perhaps he needs to get another job.

I know, easier said than done, especially at the moment.

[QuintessentialShadowsOfDoom]

Is he getting extra pay?
He manages 2 companies, and is a co-cart driver. Seems to me your dh has some tough choices to make. And so do you.

[CaresMildly]

Thank you for listening and understanding. I've felt so alone and unhappy because everyone else seems to think that IABU about this.

To answer your questions -

• I don't think DH would lie about it - SIL is quite likely to just go-ahead and buy something and then expect everyone to fall into place

• I have said to DH that the only fair thing is for me to have 6 weekends of my own but in truth what marriage would we then have? Half the year apart and not fair on DD and dog

• I don't think SIL would sack DH for this! He is very good at his job at the very least and their company is doing well.

LadyoftheBathtub - your words are exactly what I have been saying now for weeks/months. But I get nowhere. I am starting to think he really doesn't want to be with me and this is an excuse?

I am sorry if this is AIBU by stealth - I don't mean it to be.

[diddl]

I wasn´t thinking that your SIL would sack him, more that if he´s doing this because he feels he has to because she is his boss, it might be better to work elsewhere.

But if they have a good relationship, and are both adults, surely he can just tell her he doesn´t want to/he doesn´t have the time?

[LadyoftheBathtub]

Then I think you have to up the ante a bit. Tell him this is making you very unhappy, you think your marriage is in trouble and you want to go to relate. Go anyway if he refuses to.

If it were me I would also be pointing out to him that if he actually does want this marriage to end, he will need to give up the go-karting anyway because he's going to be busy on the weekends.

[CaresMildly]

diddl - I completely agree. That seems entirely reasonable to me. Just say that it was a nice idea but having a small baby makes it a bit impractical at the moment ...

But this is when he comes up with that it's fine to have a hobby so it's selfish of me to try to stop him.

[LadyoftheBathtub]

It's fine to have a hobby. It's not fine to abscond from your share of the childcare. Yes, even if you are a man. Absolutely breathtaking for him to call you selfish! And anyway, since when was something he's reluctantly been forced into by his sister his "hobby"? He's being a twat.

[DuelingFANGo]

So he wants to do it. basically.

I still don't think you shold blame your SIL.

[CaresMildly]

LofB - lol at not having any weekends free. I will use that one in tonight's row.

DuelingFANGo - I can't agree. SIL has created this situation by assuming that DH is at her beck and call. I think you are probably right that he does want to do it and is hiding a bit behind not upsetting her as a good reason.

God, what a mess. Who would think their marriage could be ruined by a go-kart of all things. I would rather he'd been off with other women or something interesting. Not a pathetic toy bought for him by his sister.

[MmeGoblindt]

A hobby is great. My DH loves cycling so he gets up at 7am on Sunday mornings and goes for a 2 hour cycle. When he comes home we have breakfast and spend the day together.

Sometimes we go out for the day and he takes his bike and cycles home.

All of this means that the weekends are spent together as a family.

A father (or a mother) who takes up a hobby that is going to take up that much famiyl time is being selfish.

Presumably this was not a big aim of his, he never wanted to do this but now his sister has organised and paid for it he has gotten bitten by the bug and now wants to carry on?

[seaglass]

I'm not sure your sil can be blamed for this - she has assumed that your dh is at her beck and call, but I think he's sort of proved this, and this is his problem, not hers, he needs to find the balls and be his own person, not her puppet.

Have you sat down with him and told him all of this? If it's really affecting everything so badly, you should maybe point out that, as you are a family, his loyalties lie with you and your DC, he can't let his sil run his spare time like this. If he's good at what he does, his job won't be under threat.

[preciouslillywhite]

YANBU.

I feel your pain, but have nothing of use to comment. Apart from that your dh and your SIL are being arses.

Have to say though- that's the bestest thread title I have seen for weeks

[CaresMildly]

But why would SIL do this? Truly, surely the smallest bit of thought would show that someone who has a young child a) doesn't have much time to take up new hobbies and b) if they do then those hobbies need to be child-friendly.

I don't want to blame DH because if I do where does that leave me?

[diddl]

Of course you don´t want to blame your husband, but he either wants t do it & is pretending it´s more his sister´s idea.

Or, he doen´t want to and daren´t tell his siter.

Either way it´s down to him, it seems to me.

Also, why did he take a test if he wasn´t going to take karting up?

[CaresMildly]

She'd already bought the thing by then - and his leathers, helmet, special boots, body, soul ...

Then she arranged the test and the company paid for it, so we did it. He was very good and he enjoyed it. That is great but for me it was a shit day - and not much better for DD and our dog. That's why there's no point me going to any of the other races, because tehre is nothign for DD to do and nowhere for our dog to run.

Sorry I'm going round in circles here and probably repeating myself. Thanks for everyone who has replied and thank hyou also for mainly agreeing with me, it's made me feel better actually. I don't know what will happen. We have a good marriage and ruining it over a go-kart seems farcical. But the principle is fundamental to me - we either respect and support each other or we have nothing. At the moment it feels like nothing to me.

[diddl]

If your ILs are so interested, I don´t get why they aren´t doing it themselves, TBH.

I also don´t really get why /how your husband got roped in.

I can´t help feeling he must of shown some interest.

Is there someone you can spend time with while he racing.

I don´t mean at the track-someone you can visit for the day or they visit you?

But I think you need the truth as to whether he really wants to do the karting or not.