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to wonder why some men have this problem??

(55 Posts)
TheLadyEvenstar Fri 09-Oct-09 09:06:17

Ok Moving on from my previous thread...
my ex's gf has messaged ds1 to explain a lot of things on his fathers behalf.

and this is one of the things he has told her and she in turn has put in a message to ds1....

I cant answer your question about what went on with you and your Dad when you were seven, I was not in your Dad's life at that time, however he has told me his feelings on this matter, it hurt him a great deal to cut ties with you, he found it hard to come to a happy comprimise with your Mum, he did not feel strong enough to cope in this situation, I know it is hard to understand but I can assure you that being a parent is the hardest thing in the world, it does not come naturally to everybody, only now with my support is he able to feel strong enouigh to cope and even enjoy becoming a good and strong parent and the wonderful things that children bring into your life, he has told me many times that he could have done more and should have, but I believe it is better late than never.
I have kept the message and ds1 has seen it and replied.

But why can so many men get away with using their immaturity as a reason not to see their child???

LoveBeingAMummy Fri 09-Oct-09 09:08:56

i think its prtly more socialably [sp] acceptable for ment o do it. If a women leaves her children theres is instantly a feeling that you get of her being a terrible mother how could see etc but its not the same wiht men.

Can't believe she sent that ffs yes he is mature but that is more than a child needs to know.

pigletmania Fri 09-Oct-09 09:10:54

I really dont know Lady and this sound really sad for your poor ds, some men do mature more slowly than women and it shows. Hence a lot of women after they have babies are alone as the men have bolted, to immature to face their responsibilities.

Tee2072 Fri 09-Oct-09 09:12:19

What I would want to know is why the girlfriend is sending that message rather than your son's father.

MintyCane Fri 09-Oct-09 09:12:58

That is totally unacceptable. I really don't know what to say. What the hell has it got to do with her anyway ?

daisymaybe Fri 09-Oct-09 09:14:28

Surely it's his apology to make, not hers??? Clearly he hasn't grown up yet.

MintyCane Fri 09-Oct-09 09:14:54

"only now with my support is he able to feel strong" what an ego. hmmangry

RubyrubyrubysAScaryOldBint Fri 09-Oct-09 09:17:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MintyCane Fri 09-Oct-09 09:21:02

I don't think it is her place to do that though Ruby. He should do it himself.

TheLadyEvenstar Fri 09-Oct-09 09:26:16

He has shunned ds1 for 9 years since we split but now he has got a woman in his life who has 4 children she has taught him to be a parent.

Chickenshavenolips Fri 09-Oct-09 09:27:26

Sorry, but I don't think it's about maturity. It's about being a fuckwit. Some people just are. Also, I don't think it's more socially acceptable for a man to be a crap parent. I just think it's easier for some people to walk away, because they are fuckwits.

juuule Fri 09-Oct-09 09:33:52

Suggest ds1 forwards the message to his dad and asks if it's true and that's how he feels.

TheLadyEvenstar Fri 09-Oct-09 09:36:49

Juuule the gf is the only way he can contact his father....he has not called him dad since he was 3.

RubyrubyrubysAScaryOldBint Fri 09-Oct-09 09:39:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumto3boys Fri 09-Oct-09 09:41:22

Is this message still through facebook? Still not THAT mature then?! Maybe turn up (without GF) and TELL him in person what an idiot he has been might help. Second hand message through facebook, still not good enough IMO.

Imagine if a mother turned round and said to her child 'sorry, I wasn't ready to look after you back then, can I start now?'. What would your DS have done if you did the same as his father and walked away as you couldn't handle the situation?

He's just backtracking. In a way I do sort of admire his girlfriend. Sounds like she's doing her best to help, ina rather misguided way though. She's doing the age old trying to fix him and his life for him.

Your DS sounds very mature from your other posts and clearly doesn't need this. Am going though similar with my DS1 who is almost 13 and it's incredibly tough for him aas he's entering those awful teenage years.

These 'adults' (I use the term very loosely!) need to think about what they are doing to these children in what can be a very difficult time. Sadly I think it will be us left to pick up the pieces.

MintyCane Fri 09-Oct-09 09:50:48

I don't know the history here either Ruby I think I may leave this one to the people who do smile

StewieGriffinsMom Fri 09-Oct-09 09:57:10

Message withdrawn

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 09-Oct-09 10:28:07

Sorry, have not followed other thread either. I too think it is unbelievable (but sadly all too common) how men can completely cut their ties with their own children because of being unable to cope and other emotional cop outs.

DD's father, when she was 3 months old, said 'I am sorry, but I am not ready to be a father' and that was that, upped and left (the fact he was sleeping with someone else was another matter). He buggered off and didn't see her for a year, then sporadic contact over the years. The last time she saw him was when she was 5, she is now 13.

How can men do that. I have tried to bend over backwards to ensure contact over the years, but the will was never there (from him). Weak, spineless, feckless fecker.

Poor dd. I am sure he will come back into her life in the future, all open arms and expansive gestures. I will have to be prepared to accept that when that day comes.

Some men are a disgrace.

slowreadingprogress Fri 09-Oct-09 10:35:56

If this was my son if I did allow him on Facebook at 11 I would certainly not allow him to add his dad's current girlfriend as a friend.

If he was properly protected on line he wouldn't have had to deal with any message at all from her

At 11, if they're on it at all which I'm not convinced is a good thing anyway it should very much be supervised and for light, friendly, fun stuff only.

HerBeatitude Fri 09-Oct-09 10:39:02

God he sounds like my XP. Except that the "I'm now ready to function as a proper father" bit hasn't yet been forthcoming, but hey, the kids are only 10 and 7 so there's a few years yet... <drums fingers on table>.

I think it's because it is still socially acceptable for a man to dump his children, simple as that.

I also think that there simply isn't enough intervention from the health service, to help people sort out their emotional/ psychological problems. Most counselling is still private and it costs £40 a session so beyond the reach of some people who really need it. It also still has a bit of a stigma about it, particuarly for men. My XP would be a psychiatrist's field day, but no-one has ever suggested to him (except me, years ago when i was with him) that he had serious psychological problems which needed an awful lot of work for him to come to terms with and move on and up. If mental/ emotional/ pschological health were taken as seriously as physical health, then maybe some of these screwed up men would be a bit less screwed up?

HerBeatitude Fri 09-Oct-09 10:40:22

God she's almost asking his son to parent his father, isn't she? To understand the pressures he was under when his son was 7. The sheer lack of understanding of how inappropriate that is, is very sad.

Genau Fri 09-Oct-09 10:43:48

OP, you make thread after thread complaining about your ex DP and your ex's gf and what your son is subjected to on fb.

FFS, you should not allow your 11 year old to even have fb!!! Then he wouldn't have to see these things.

slowreadingprogress Fri 09-Oct-09 10:46:02

but the point is this 11 year old shouldn't be put in the position of having to deal with this stuff. People do say and do unreasonable things, but the most inappropriate thing here imo is that this boy is accessible to them on-line, and that is the mum's choice.

2kidzandi Fri 09-Oct-09 10:59:26

Your EXs GF actually sounds like a decent woman who feels no resentment towards your ds existance unlike some EXs GF.

"why can so many men get away with using their immaturity as a reason not to see their child?"

Society excuses them. I think its part of the sexist message written in society.

I mean how many times have you heard single mums being spoken about and blamed for the moral and economic breakdown in society? It's as if people really believe women are asexual. I have yet to hear a why are so many men abandoning their children debate.

Personally I think real men are a rare and dying breed.

HerBeatitude Fri 09-Oct-09 11:17:21

Well yes, you could ban facebook, but if a non-resident parent is determined to emotionally lean on a child in that way, if fb isn't available, then they can use telephone, letter, e-mail, contact visits. You could ban all of those and then get accused of being a bitter harpy ex who denies contact. I think you're between a rock and a hard place there because you have to steer a course between enabling contact so that your child can build a relationship with their NRP, but not having the legal authority to decree that that relationship should not be used to pursue emotional blackmail of the child. Very difficult balance, that.

BTW I didn't realise the DS is 11, I thought 16, is that my appalling maths or misunderstanding?

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