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...to think DS's father should pay me more maintenance....???

(257 Posts)
mummee09v Thu 08-Oct-09 10:15:21

....he gives me £125 a month yet works full time. and also lives with his gf who is a single mum on benefits who gets rent paid etc, (ie she doesnt declare he lives there, he is "registered" living at his mates house) so he doesn't even pay any rent. and he has a car paid through work as well so he must be raking it in.

i have no idea how much he earns, he won't tell me, but he has a reasonably good job working in sales for british gas so at a guess i would say its probably £16000 plus and probably gets bonuses as well. yet he only pays me this pathetic amount.

i hate confronting him because it always turns really nasty - the last time we had a "discussion" about maintenance (he was only paying me £100 and i wanted £150) it ended in a huge shouting match and weeks of bad feeling and he eventually agreed to "meet me halfway" at £125 a month - as if he was doing me a big fucking favour. and he is one of these people you just cannot argue with, he has an answer for everything.

i would go through CSA but have heard from friends they are useless. plus i really don't want to fall out with him because its hard enough getting him to see DS enough as it is, he lives 100 miles away and reluctantly has DS 2 weekends a month. and i really need the break from him (i know that sounds bad) so don't want him to stop seeing him. and of course its important for DS to have his dad in his life (although to be honest, my new partner is more of a dad to DS than my ex is)

i know he is not paying me enough as my friends DD's dad is on £15k and pays her £150 (which the CSA said was the minimum he had to give her)

me ex is a tight fisted C**T and i hate him for it. but every time i ask him for money i feel like i am begging, and he says things to make me feel shit for asking, like questioning why i need the extra and accusing me of wanting more money coz i now have a new baby with my new partner, and my partner works and earns OK money. AS IF!! my DD's dad more than looks after us financially - but that doesn't mean DS's dad shouldnt pay what he is meant to!!

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern Thu 08-Oct-09 10:21:41

Not sure really.
YApossiblyBU. That is about the equivelant of what dh pays his ex in maintenance and they have rounded it up compared to the CSA calculator.

If it bothers you that much then you'll maybe have to consider the CSA TBH.

pithyslicker Thu 08-Oct-09 10:23:01

I would have said £125 a month on £16,000 a year is about CSA rates. If he has DS more than 52 nights a year.

If he doesn't it should be more.

oldraver Thu 08-Oct-09 10:23:16

He should be paying AT LEAST 15% of his salary. Obviuosly if you dont know how much he earns you wont be able to work it out. From what you say he isnt going to cough up voluntarily so I'm afraid your only option is the CSA

You could ask him one last time to increase the amount or you'll be forced to go to the CSA and see what he says

BrokkenHarted Thu 08-Oct-09 10:24:18

Not trying to get on your tits!!!!

But how much does it actually cost your to raise your child every month? He should pay half of that. I have a one year old and it doesn't cost me anywhere near £250 (if 125 is his half) to raise him. But obviously an older child cost FAR more!

Calculate how much it costs you and demand half and if he refuses that take is to the CSA. If its not as much as 250 the YABU if it more then he is BU

mondaymonday Thu 08-Oct-09 10:25:00

tbh if he's earning £16k and sees your DD two weekends per month, then £125pm is probably not far off. Plus he could maybe get his travel for contact costs deducted as well

pithyslicker Thu 08-Oct-09 10:25:22

It's 10% for one child.

pithyslicker Thu 08-Oct-09 10:26:24

I assume you claim the family allowance and tax credits?

BrokkenHarted Thu 08-Oct-09 10:26:43

But it shouldnt be based on income it should be based on what the child costs. Only if they really cann ot afford it should it be based on income.

BEAUTlFUL Thu 08-Oct-09 10:27:13

I think it's tight. I'd be very, very tempted to anonymously tip off the Benefits office about his living situation. I'd bottle out! but I'd be tempted.

claw3 Thu 08-Oct-09 10:28:13

Had a similar problem to you, took my ex to the CSA, he just moved without telling us and the kids didnt see him for over a year.

I literally had to sit down and work out what i thought was more important for the kids, the extra money or a relationship with their father.

Im afraid unless you go the CSA, you will never know if he is paying the right amount or get any extra money.

In an ideal world you should have both, in reality it doesnt happen like that.

pithyslicker Thu 08-Oct-09 10:29:23

I was wrong.

It is 15% for one child.
20% for two.

mondaymonday Thu 08-Oct-09 10:31:17

and in addition to brokenharted's point, he theoretically shouldn't be providing 1/2 has you get the child benefit and any tax credits payable

vampyrekisses Thu 08-Oct-09 10:33:39

he pays 125 a month and has the kid 2weeknds a month and you want more?
yabu

RealityBites Thu 08-Oct-09 10:35:00

Message withdrawn

mumof2teenboys Thu 08-Oct-09 10:36:28

I would be happy with that much, my ex-h has never paid a penny towards my sons.

It doesn't seem like a bad amount to get, i would think that it goes quite a long way to providing for your son.

I don't know how old your son is, but unless he has very expensive hobbies, it should cover most things. I know that I don't spend that much each much on my 2 and they are teenagers now. (I'm not including food etc in that btw)

BrokkenHarted Thu 08-Oct-09 10:40:02

Yes mondaymonday very good point!

Tillyscoutsmum Thu 08-Oct-09 10:40:07

According to CSA calculator - if he earns around £16,000 gross and has ds less than 52 overnights per year - he would have to pay £34 per week - so current amount is about right

Snorbs Thu 08-Oct-09 10:41:12

pithy, that's not correct. It's 15% of net salary for one child. See page 9 of this PDF from the CSA.

Snorbs Thu 08-Oct-09 10:41:48

oops, you beat me to it wink

mummee09v Thu 08-Oct-09 10:43:04

to those who have said i AM being unreasonable, why??

not being funny, just wondering!!!

DS is 3 BTW. and yes i do get tax credits and child benefit.

123andaway Thu 08-Oct-09 10:43:08

I think you'd be daft to tip off the benefits agency as if he becomes financially responsible for his partners child/children it is likely he would have to pay you less.

It sounds to me like his contribution is fair, based on the amount he earns and the amount of time he cares for your DS. Are you struggling to make ends meet of your present income or do you just feel he should be paying more?

mondaymonday Thu 08-Oct-09 10:43:54

I think that although it may be very tempting to shop him re. the benefits, it is very bad karma. He is, after all, you child's father. Do you want your child's father to have a criminal conviction because of you?

mondaymonday Thu 08-Oct-09 10:45:11

so you get £80 pm child benefit, £125pm CSA, tax credits, and you want more?

honeybehappy Thu 08-Oct-09 10:46:35

mummee09v do you work or are you on benefits?

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