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to want to meet my father after 30 years??

(5 Posts)
BigMomma3 Wed 07-Oct-09 23:24:09

Slightly long - bear with me please grin.

Am afraid my mum will find out and will be upset.

In brief, they divorced when I was 6 and my mother immediately remarried and had 2 further children with my stepdad (pretty sure they got together before she divorced my real dad). I have had no contact with my real dad since I was 7 (apart from a brief phonecall 4 years ago but I was too chicken to take it any further).

He was apparently a violent alcoholic who beat my mother up (I have some hazy memories of this) and my mother refused to let him see us kids after she remarried (I am aware that he tried several times to get access). My mother will not tell me anything of what went on between them but I do also have memories of him and me together and they are good ones (he never touched us kids but that does not excuse him of what he did to my mother).

Anyway after what seems like a lifetime of suffering depression and anxiety, I recently finally got my arse in gear and started getting some help (started taking Prozac and undergoing CBT)and some things have come to light that makes me think he maybe was not such a bad person after all (he was only 19 when he married my mum and she already had 2 kids and then 2 with him).

In fact a lot of my problems boil down to my rather traumatic childhood and me being constantly told that I was evil, mental, stupid and wierd and being blamed for everything and I have finally admitted to myself that as much as I adore my mother, she was a pretty crap parent in the emotional sense but I still feel that I would be betraying her and my stepdad if I met my real father!!

I don't know why really but recently I have a need to lay my ghosts to rest so to speak so should I?? If I did it would probably be just to see what he was like as I could not involve myself with him as then my DCs may find out and mention something to my mum and they would be confused as they already have a grandad!!

jasper Wed 07-Oct-09 23:35:02

You want to see your biological dad.
That is all that matters.

You sound like a lovely caring person to care so much about your mum's feelings despite her telling you terrible things when you were growing up.

I know it is not the same thing but a close friend recently traced her bio mum and was worried her mum (who adopted her as a baby) would be upset at them meeting.

She met her bio mum, just once, did not hit it off particularly well but it laid a ghost to rest and she felt able to move on.
Her mum never did find out.

Hope it works out for you

drlove8 Wed 07-Oct-09 23:41:54

oh bigmomma3 ive just read this post and tears are running down my face...sad
why should you feel like you'd be betraying people who have done damage to you?
where was their loyalty to you when you were called those horrible names....?
you are an adult , your mother has no right to dictate who you have( or have not) in your life .
well done on getting cbt does help.
think you should have a wee look at the stately homes

valhala Wed 07-Oct-09 23:44:46

Been in a similar situation, met my dad when I was an adult and regretted it in the long run when he let me down by acting in just the way he had when I was a child - not being violent, though I too was told this was an issue, but by getting his priorities wrong and really not having a clue what "family" really meant.

It took me many years to realise that he wasn't the man who I had convinced myself of, and that I never really knew him at all.

I'm not saying don't do it - you're not me, your dad is not mine - I AM saying if you do chose to meet him, go into it with your eyes wide open... don't make the mistake I did and have a hero in your sights.

Good luck.

JemL Thu 08-Oct-09 10:59:47

I've only met my dad once, when I was 7 - we don't really talk about him, so I don't know much about why I never saw him, what his relationship with my mum was like etc - I am curious about him, but would be very reluctant to make contact - you say in your post abour laying ghosts to rest, and feel it might give you some sort of closure on what has obviously been a very difficult and traumatic early life - however you would not be able to control his behaviour once contact was made, and so it might not be as straightforward as making contact, having a conversation, and leaving it at that - you don't know what his reaction or expectations might be, and it may be much more complicated and difficult than you want or need.

It is such a difficult decision, I wish you lots of luck x

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