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aibu to think this is weird? dp thinks it's not and i am not prepared to fall out with him about his mother...again!

(51 Posts)
thesecondcoming Wed 07-Oct-09 16:05:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

controlfreakythecontrolfreak Wed 07-Oct-09 16:07:50

i should be grateful she went to iow and didnt come to you! result!

RnB Wed 07-Oct-09 16:07:52

My exh's mother was a poisonous bitch too. I would have as little to do with her as you possibly could

RnB Wed 07-Oct-09 16:08:11

YANBU btw

Stigaloid Wed 07-Oct-09 16:10:04

Um - she didn't want to come and offered up an excuse and got caught out. not everyone wants to go to a 2 year old's birthday party. If you don't want her for christmas just say so but don't be annoyed she wasn't at your dd's party.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 07-Oct-09 16:10:18

If you don't want her for Xmas, don't have her for Xmas.

I never get this, "We have to be together because it's a family time but we don't get on and are likely to have murdered each other by Boxing Day" thing, I really don't.

>>antisocial emoticon<<

thesecondcoming Wed 07-Oct-09 16:13:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GibbonWithAnAppleBobbingBibOn Wed 07-Oct-09 16:17:00

tell her all you want for Christmas is for her to FRO

diddl Wed 07-Oct-09 16:17:15

Can you go to your parents/have them, for Christmas?

somethinganything Wed 07-Oct-09 16:17:21

v tricky - and no YANBU to use your sister's terminal illness as an excuse is a bit weird in my book, why not just say she wants to go to the reunion thing.

Anyway, could you just say you want it to keep it to the four (?) of you this year and have her just before/just after xmas for a v short period of time?

somethinganything Wed 07-Oct-09 16:18:22

sorry, bit of grammar wouldn't go amiss, let me clarify:

no YANBU, to use your sister's terminal illness as an excuse...

diddl Wed 07-Oct-09 16:18:51

Does your husband get on with his mum/want to see her at Christmas?

thesecondcoming Wed 07-Oct-09 16:24:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

somethinganything Wed 07-Oct-09 16:34:15

it's an awful shame but I guess it does just depend how important it is to your DP - whatever you do make sure you put a strict time limit on the visit if it has to happen. I guess if you visit your parents at least you'll be 'sharing the load' for a short time.

Rhubarb Wed 07-Oct-09 16:34:49

Sorry, who referred to the doll as a 'golliwog doll' exactly?

You invited her for the birthday which was charitable and luckily for you she didn't show. Whatever her reasons, you can't now say that she was selfish for not going when you didn't want her there in the first place.

Her attitude towards her sister has nothing to do with you.

Christmas - this is her first grandchild so I think you should bite your tongue and be charitable. Why let her spoil your Christmas? Just smile sweetly at her at all times, limit the time she spends with you by making other arrangements, but allow her to see her grandchild - if she wants to.

I'm assuming your dp wants to see her at Christmas too and this is his mother, whatever you may think of her. So grin and bear it, but don't complain when it looks like you got your way on your dd's birthday.

diddl Wed 07-Oct-09 16:42:19

But would you want her to be on her own on Christmas Day?

Imagine if it was your Mum alone, and your husband didn´t want her at Christmas.

KembleTwins Wed 07-Oct-09 16:52:18

Sounds like you're pissed off because she would rather go to the Isle of Wight with her friends than attend her GD's birthday party. In that, YABU. My in-laws are soooo uninterested in our DTs (although they dote on SIL's baby) and at first I was really offended - couldn't figure out why they didn't want to spend time with them. They live a long way away, but never wanted to stay with us, and didn't want to come and visit when they were on their way to other places (they drive down the motorway, literally 10 minutes from our door, to visit friends, regularly) In the past 3 years, they have spent about 12 hours in the company of their grandchildren. Then I realised that the DTs are OUR children, not THEIRS, and if they don't want to spend time with them, it's up to them - the children may be the most important things in my life, but I can't expect my PILs to feel the same. Fine. So I stopped expecting it, and everything got a lot easier. Perhaps you should just stop worrying about your MIL, stop assuming that everything she does is just to piss you off, and get on with enjoying your family without her.

As for Christmas - if, in the past, you've spent the day with your large family, but this year have decided not to, could you explain that you would like Christmas Day to be just for the three of you family (I have to say - we do this, much as I'd enjoy Christmas day with my own parents. We did it from the first Christmas we were married, and so have never had to have the alternate Christmasses argument) IMO, it's up to your DH to speak to his mother about it. Could she come on Boxing Day and just spend the one night?

As for lying about her reasons for not coming to the party - that's just silly. But maybe she didn't want to cause offence, and thought that you might be upset that she would rather spend the time with her friends - which you were.

MILs are allowed a life. So, really, I think YABU.

diddl Wed 07-Oct-09 16:59:32

My ILs are interested-ours are the only grandchildren, but not so much that they´ll make an effort/put themselves out.

When I had second, they drove straight past the hospital the next day without coming in.

And I was well & would have seen them-and they knew this!

thesecondcoming Wed 07-Oct-09 17:23:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

colditz Wed 07-Oct-09 17:26:25

um

I don't see why she should have to travel a long way for a child's birthday party, when she clearly wasn't welcome last year.

And although Golliwog dolls are known to be not acceptable now, 50 years ago they were just a funny toy.

She hasn't done anything!

OscarByTheSea Wed 07-Oct-09 17:43:58

She hand-knitted a gift for your DC. While the description may not be to your taste (or mine) it's probably just a generational difference as Colditz says. Hardly a "hideous/thoughtless knitted gift/s".

My MIL hand-knitted a teddy for my son and I think it's lovely that she put so much time into it.

I know it's not great to lie about the reason for not coming to the birthday but it doesn't sound as if she'd feel too welcome at your place.

mumblechum Wed 07-Oct-09 17:49:17

I think you're being a bit mean tbh.

westernfront Wed 07-Oct-09 17:56:43

Why not take leaf out her book and lie - going to your parents as usual then change mind at last minute..........anything rather than ruin Christmas. as she's been (is) poisonous, I'd say tough if she's alone at Christmas. That's why it's sensible to be pleasant etc with people as far as possisible. I reckon she's made her bed and as you husband thinks she's difficult too, he can hardly disagree with you over this. Also - other son escaping via ski holiday so not your responsibility alone. Good luck!

mrsboogie Wed 07-Oct-09 17:59:01

I don't think you are being mean at all. She sounds horrid and you should make up any and every excuse you can to get her in and out the door as fast as possible on Christmas Day.

2rebecca Wed 07-Oct-09 21:46:46

You sound more unreasonable. Golliwog doll is fairly standard descriptions of a type of doll to many folk above a certain age. I doubt that granny thought a 2 year old's birthday was something to make that big a deal of as she lives some distance away. If you don't want her at Christmas just tell her. I wouldn't expect relatives to be invited until you and DH had discussed it so really he's the one who should have said "we don't know what we're doing at xmas yet" when she mentioned it. Her having a pleasant weekend with her old chums sounds sensible behaviour in my book. Too many grandparents expect their social life to revolve around their children and grandchildren. Good on your MIL on having her own life to get on with as well as caring for her ill sister.

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