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to ask friend, who came from abroad to visit new baby & family, to leave?

(474 Posts)
RenderedSpeechless Wed 07-Oct-09 11:48:41

This is my first AIBU, please be gentle with me. i really am in a dilemma about this and willing to consider all viewpoints. she in in house with me now, so typing fast. apols in advance for typos and poss having to 'reveal by stealth'. tia

friend came last week to visit me, newborn and family. after two days she states that she came on open ticket and had come to 'help'. however, as my cousin is living with and helping me, my friend has decided to get a job until christmas, before flying back home.

so, yesterday, she enquired in the local shopping centre and updated her cv. this has MY address and phone number on. she didnt ask in advance and i was too chicken to say anything at the time. im worried this is the thin end of the wedge and that she will need bank account, NI number etc in my address.

the overall situation is far from ideal. she is sleeping on the settee, has a bag in the hallway and another in my bedroom. there are a total of 7 people now living in my 3 bedroom home. no mention has been made,by me or her, about this arrangement. am usually mindful to use appliances at night, when its cheaper. she puts on heating, washing machine, tumble drier without a second thought and its starting to rile me. she also involves with managing children, to which i have commented, but i dont want her to feel gauche and unwelcome. i feel bad typing this post and maybe shouldnt say anything? i have 3 week old, is it my hormones and aibu?

IMoveTheStarsForNoOne Wed 07-Oct-09 11:50:45

Um, just ask her to leave?

LilRedWG Wed 07-Oct-09 11:50:58

I'd definitely be feeling as uncomfortable as you. What were the arragements before she came over? Was a timescale mentioned?

RealityBites Wed 07-Oct-09 11:51:47

Message withdrawn

Annya Wed 07-Oct-09 11:52:16


how odd. it seems very strange to ostensibly visit a friend and her new baby and then to end up staying for possibly months.

plus i should imagine you'd just like a bit of peace and quiet with your new lo. Congratulations, btw

RenderedSpeechless Wed 07-Oct-09 11:53:50

id feel like i was throwing her out if i just asked her to leave. no arrangements were made before she arrived, it was a surprise visit, with her view to help me; no timescales were mentioned, only that she plans to go home for xmas.

FiveGoMadonTheDanceFloor Wed 07-Oct-09 11:54:26

You need to tell her that while it is lovely to see her for a visit that if she has intentions of staying then she needs to find somehwere to live or start paying you rent.

SeveredPartOfTheHumphreysGroup Wed 07-Oct-09 11:57:04

a surprise visit??

You should feel like you are throwing her out, yes! Because that's exactly what you need to do.

Politely tell her you don't have room for her to stay until Christmas and offer to help her book her flight.

StealthPolarBear Wed 07-Oct-09 11:57:16

I don't think there are any other viewpoints- SIBU!
Can't you just say how nice it is that she's decided to stay in the country (I assume she's from abroad, makes the working thing a bit hmm) and can you help sorting her out somewhere to stay?

lisianthus Wed 07-Oct-09 11:57:54

YANBU. Good grief - I'd be going bonkers. you have 7 people in a three bedroom flat and have to cope with a newborn as well? She has an open ticket so can go back whenever she likes, but although the purpose of her visit is no longer taking place she is still here and just happens to be getting a job? She will definitely need an a/c and a NI number if she is getting a job, all of which will be put down as your address.

She's taking advantage of you - this should be a time when you have a little peace and get to bond with your baby, not have to fend off freeloaders.

It also sounds a little dodgy - is she allowed to work in the UK?

Suggest to her that it is all becoming a little difficult for you with all the people so you would be really grateful if she could cut her visit short - you can visit her next year when the baby is bigger perhaps.

RenderedSpeechless Wed 07-Oct-09 11:58:54

she's a really sweet frind, but she is childless and doesnt seem to 'get it', but calling the police is not an option. my partner thought i'd arranged all with her and even offered her to come to NY with us at xmas - sadly (not), she cant.

she's a 'lively charachter' and means well, but if im honest, makes me feel a little 'edgy'.

(oops about premature earlier post, i havent done any housework for ages and my nails are now uncharacteristically long, making it difficult to type. )

StealthPolarBear Wed 07-Oct-09 11:59:08

"it was a surprise visit, with her view to help me"
Are you sure she didn't have this planned all along?
You don't need this stress with a new baby - can your DP/DH or cousin help you deal with her?

ConFuschias Wed 07-Oct-09 11:59:22

Tell her "lovely to see you, as you can see I don't need much help, but what I do need is my own space and time to bond with my newborn, so please move out"

And get more forthright if she doesn't. Don't worry about offending her. No real friend would impose like this.

porcamiseria Wed 07-Oct-09 12:01:36

Poor poor you! There is no way you can cope with this, but as they say you catch more flies with sugar than vinager. However I think you need to ask yourself "if I lose her friendship over this , will this be OK".

Then take a deep breath, sit her down and tell her straight that whilst you are so grateful she came to visit, you are struggling with new born and that its not working having the house so crowded. That you love her, but that the current situation is not working, you are stressed and that you dont want to damage your friendshipo by taking your stress on her.

She may be thoughtless, but to hoist yourself on a crowded house with new born beggers beleief!!!!

For you own sake you MUST tell her to leave, but be prepared that she will probably huff off

Life is too short for selfish friends anyway......

pop1973 Wed 07-Oct-09 12:02:35

Don't ask for rent otherwise she will feel that she is entitled to stay as long as she likes.

Give her some notice, don't just kick her out as she is your friend. Give her one weeks notice or two weeks if you feel generous. Just explain to her that you value her friendship but want her gone as you are more comfortable having the close family around you and that there isn't the room.

If she wants to stay in the UK help her find alternative accommodation. Talk to your friend, if she is really your friend she will understand.

If she doesn't understand then ask your partner to help her go.

JackBauer Wed 07-Oct-09 12:02:38

A surprise visit? So she just turned up in your hosue, with a newborn and is camping out and getting work whiel using you as fre board or lodging?

Does she actually have anywhere to go back to? Sounds very odd to me, get your DP/H to have a quiet word about how you all need 'family' time or something, and get your cousin to say something too, then it isn't you being mean to your friend (although i dont think it's mean, I think its very cheeky of ehr)

RenderedSpeechless Wed 07-Oct-09 12:02:46

OK. how about i look up flights and ask her which one she wants to book? i'll also highlight the space issue. if it comes out wrong, or i offend her, i'll blame my hormones.

my sister thinks im being unreasonable and 'a bit much' and to let her stay 'for a while' and give things a chance to calm down.

Meglet Wed 07-Oct-09 12:02:51

YANBU sad! You need to have a stern word with her. Just grit your teeth and tell her today that you want her to leave by the weekend.

auntyitaly Wed 07-Oct-09 12:03:42

YANBU - so not being unreasonable. If you are feeling wobbly (who wouldn't be with 3-wk-old) could you:

- start by asking your cousin to have a quiet word with her about when she is leaving

- ask anyone else to repeat same tactful enquiries about when (not if)she is off.

If you don't get the response you want (whether non-committal or, hey, I'm here till 2014) then you can tell her - or write a note - telling her to leave by the end of that week.

Sounds like she is using you - users do tend to have Rhino Hide Syndrome, so keep words in plain English and repeat, repeat, like broken record that she will have left the house in 7 days.

ConFuschias Wed 07-Oct-09 12:04:54

is your sister childless too RS? because I can't imagine anyone with children thinking you are unreasonable

RenderedSpeechless Wed 07-Oct-09 12:07:19

My brother lives a few miles away with his wife in a 4 bed. he has said she can stay with him for one week only, but no business about using his address to gain employment. she has worked here before, but i dont know the intricacies.

i know im being a coward, but im crap at things like this.

ZacharyQuack Wed 07-Oct-09 12:08:01

Send her to sleep on your sister's couch.

pofacedandproud Wed 07-Oct-09 12:08:12

you must politely but firmly ask her to leave. And your dp should be there and support you.

Flowerface Wed 07-Oct-09 12:10:27

I really feel for you - this sounds like my worst nightmare. I think your friend is either taking advantage or she is REALLY insensitive. Either way, say something, or get someone else to. If she doesn't understand then she must be mad, and not a very good friend.

wukter Wed 07-Oct-09 12:10:47

If you don't feel able to be so forthright, could you stop making allowances for her in your home IFYSWIM? For example doing one of the night feeds in the living room with the TV on. Or doing the whole pacing the floor with newborn thing right in front of the settee where she is sleeping. And not apologising for waking her/turning on lights. Perhaps your DP could turn off driers/ heaters etc. I know it sounds passive aggressive - well it is - but it may work if you don't want confrontation in your hormomal sleep deprived state.

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