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to not want to talk to dad and family because of them slagging dp off

(12 Posts)
Alishanty Tue 06-Oct-09 15:02:51

Unfortunately my dp has been out of work for 18 mths since we relocated to be closer to family. Prior to this he had a reasonably well paid job in an industrial environment. The area we have moved to does not have such high employemnt as a number of places have shut down and it is not a city like where we were previously. Also, in my dp's last job he was involved in an explosion where a colleague was badly burned and the compensation clain is still ongoing which prevents him finding work in the same field. He has however done a few college courses and training programmes and applied for jobs, which so far has come to nothing. I don't work atm as we have 2 small children.
I had got the impression that some of my family think dp is 'lazy' and 'useless' but until now have ignored it. Bear in mind i have never complained about dp as I know he is doing his best. Recently I received a few phonecalls from my dad and girlfriend where she was calling dp 'useless' and saying he sponges off of me and doesn't help out with the kids etc etc. She has hardly met him so must have got this so called 'info' from my dad! It doesn't matter what I say, my dad and other members of his family have got this impression. I feel really bad for dp as he trys his best with them and I wouldn't want to tell him what they thought as it would upset him but I think he has an idea anyway. I put the phone down abruptly and then text my dad's gf to say it's a bit hypocritical of my dad to say anything since he is an alcoholic who hasn't worked for 20 yrs and who never supported me and my mum! I'm still fuming now and don't want to talk to any of them.

niftyfifty Tue 06-Oct-09 15:13:37

I can understand why you don't want to talk to them but they presumably think they are looking out for you and think he is not being fair to you. If you moved to be closer to them I would be wary of falling out, especially if you don't know many other people! Maybe you could work and he could look after the children?

Alishanty Tue 06-Oct-09 15:19:02

We didn't just move to be closer to them. Also my mum and dp's parents too. We have many friends in the area as it was where we came form originally. The thing is, if I had complained about dp I could understand it, but I never have, things are not that bad for us. I quite like it that dp is around to look after the kids. In my opinion they are not looking out for me by offering 'advice' when it wasn't asked for, they are upsetting me by bad-mouthing my dc's dad. I don't want to work and miss out on time with my kids befeore they go to school. My mum worked when I was little (due to no support form my dad) and I really missed her. I don't want to put my kids through that.

Alishanty Tue 06-Oct-09 15:23:29

Also I think if I went out to work and dp looked after the kids that would make dp look even worse in the eyes of my family! My mum's side of the family on the other hand has never said anything like this btw.

Stayingscarygirl Tue 06-Oct-09 15:32:39

The things that your dad and his family are saying about your dp are hurting you. I wouldn't blame you at all for wanting to avoid that hurt, which means avoiding speaking to them.

Would you be able to confront them? Perhaps say, 'I am really upset by the things you say about dp. He is a good man who is trying hard to find a job, and he is most definitely not a sponger. If you cannot stop saying or implying these nasty things, then I'm afraid I won't be able to spend time with you or have conversations with you. I support dp 100% and will not condone anyone saying malicious things about him.'

Hando Tue 06-Oct-09 16:27:11

YANBU wanting your family to keep their opinions to themselves. As this is AUBU I will give you my honest opinion...

I can see, in a way, where they are coming from. So neither of you have been working for 18 mths? It doesn't take 2 of you to be home to look after the children does it? Why don't you get a job and he can study/re train etc until he can get a new job? Then he also gets some time with tyhe kids and time at home to recover from his accident. (hope he's ok by the way!)

As he was only earner in your family why didn't you check the work situation when you moved to a new area. Why would you move somewhere where there is no work for him?

Also, if you are not working then is DP really sponging off you? Is he spending your savings?

Hando Tue 06-Oct-09 16:29:37

Sorry, just read your second post. You say that you quite like having dp around to look after the kids and also you do not want to have to work and miss out on time with the kids before they go to school!

Seriously? Lucky you for being able to afford to have 2 non working parents at home. Most couldn't do that!

freename Tue 06-Oct-09 16:31:37

YANBU So what. It's none of their business and you should be loyal to your DP - you would expect the same from him if you were in his shoes.
Bad mouthing anyone like that is not on especially when there isn't any smoke to begin with.

Alishanty Tue 06-Oct-09 16:37:40

Hando - No dp is not spending my savings, I haven't got any. We are not rolling in it by any means, just know how to budget. The thing that gets my goat is my dad is moaning when he hasn't worked for 20 yrs, paid no maintenence to my mum etc, spent most of his money on booze. If anyone is a sponger it's him! If my dad had supported me my whole life I may think differently!

Hando Tue 06-Oct-09 16:48:03

So DP isn't sponging off you. You know that they are wrong and they are BU towards your poor Dp who seems to be studying, trying for a different career and recovering from an accident.

It's great you can budget, but if neither of you are working then you are not budgeting/living off your own money, surely? I understand you "want" to stay home with the kids but you just need to get a job until your Dp can. If you were my daughter and you and your partner had both not been working for 18 months I'd probably think (not say) that one of you must be lazy too. Like I said there is no need for you both to be sat at home looking after your 2 children.

Firawla Tue 06-Oct-09 17:38:37

tell them firmly you do not appreciate their way of talking about dp and find it insulting, if they continue after that consider talking to them less but warn them firmly and clearly to stop it first, perhaps they will?

Alishanty Wed 07-Oct-09 20:39:42

Thank you Firawla, I think I will do as you suggest, seems the best approach.

Hando- we get by on benefits. We have no savings of our own but neither to we rely on handouts from friends and family. It is all very well you saying that I should 'get a job' but in case you hadn't realised, we are in the middle of a recession, they are not that easy to come by! Also my baby is only just over a year and have only recently stopped bf. I happen to think that being around for my dc's is more important than having money for luxuries. No one is saying we don't want to work, as I have said, my dp has been applying for jobs and retraining in order to do so and I am even prepared to work part time maybe if I can find anything when the youngest goes to pre-school. The point I was trying to make was that my dad is not really in any position to call anyone lazy and useless when he hasn't done a days work in over 20 yrs! Also, I believe they should keep their opinions to themselves as it's none of their business.

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