Advanced search think my in-laws are selfish.....

(119 Posts)
lumpasmelly Tue 06-Oct-09 14:51:33

I am pregnant with DC3 and we asked them if they would mind DS1 and DS2 while we go for our nuchal scan (we need to go into central london for it, so have a 7:30am start and possibly a long wait depending on whether additional testing is needed. I would ask a friend, but no-one has a car big enough to take their own children and 2 of mine (we are new to the area, so still gathering friends). MIL and FIL live 2 hours away, and it would be very easy for them to drive down the night before and take the boys to school/nursery that morning for us. HOWEVER, they have responded to say that they are going to see Oliver that day in London, and are taking the coach down, so this won't be possible as they want to "enjoy the full experience).....I am astounded that they have not offered to forgo the coach trip element of their day out as it would be super easy for them to get into town from where we live, in time for the 2:30 matinee. I wouldn't have any problem finding someone to pick the kids up in the afternoon if we ended up running late so it should be pretty simple. To make matters worse, from the e-mail they sent me, they seem to think that there is a problem with the baby (as I mentioned that we may need to have a CVs, though this is just due to my age) and they STILL said no. Now we are going to have to take my younger son with us which will be a complete nightmare, especially if I do end up having the additional tests. But hey....what more did I expect from a woman who's response to my pregnancy was "oh" and who has already told us that she "won't look after three of them" and who has averaged 2 days of babysitting a year since we have had parents live overseas, so unfortunately I can't rely on them at short notice. BTW MIL and FIL are retired, so it's not like they haven't spare time!!!Sorry to vent, but I really do dislike her! in fact, i could probably write a book on all the things she has done to annoy me!!! Grrrrrr

TrillianSlasher Tue 06-Oct-09 14:54:11

YABU. They already had plans on that day and don't want to change them. This is clearly about you disliking your PIL in general rather than how they are behaving in this one instance.

Hulababy Tue 06-Oct-09 14:55:16

Could you change the date of the scan so it doesn't clash with their prearranged day out?

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 06-Oct-09 14:57:06

YABU. You plainly don't like them, why should they want to drop everything for you?

itsmeolord Tue 06-Oct-09 14:59:12

YABU, parents are not legally obliged to do babysitting duties and they already have plans.

ConnorTraceptive Tue 06-Oct-09 14:59:49

tis so annoying when people you don't like won't do you a favour.

Sorry to be harsh but I had to go for my scans alone as dh couldn't get time away from work. That's life

motheringfrights Tue 06-Oct-09 15:00:02

I'm afraid YABU. It's not as though they live around the corner and have nothing on. Asking them to rearrange a prebooked event, drive two hours and stay overnight so they can babysit is requesting a huge favour. Expecting them to do it is really quite rude.

diddl Tue 06-Oct-09 15:01:32

Of course YABU.

Other people have lives!!

MovingOutOfBlighty Tue 06-Oct-09 15:03:11

So sorry about all the worry you are having with your baby.
But...I went to all but one of my scans alone. I agree your PIL are being exceptionally annoying but equally it is not really for them to change their plans.

Having said that, I wonder if they realise who is going to be needed one day to help with them? Perhaps after this you won't be too quick to step up, and I wouldn't blame you either.

Cometrickortreatingwithme Tue 06-Oct-09 15:03:28

OFGS I had to take a 3 year old with me to a scan and glucose test when I was pg.
You come across as very rude and demanding TBH.

Rocky12 Tue 06-Oct-09 15:03:31

Must admit I went to my scans alone which isnt as 'sad' as it sounds. Agree that this isnt about they not doing this for you - it is about YOU not liking them very much....

louii Tue 06-Oct-09 15:04:28

YABU, they had organised something, you should have gave more notice than expecting them to drop everything.

Also its none of your business how they spend their free time, they are retired, surely they have earned the right to use their spare time as they please.

MovingOutOfBlighty Tue 06-Oct-09 15:05:05

And the other thing i have noticed about PILs, the more retired they are, the less they are able to do to help!!!
There is less organisation involved in the military campain in Afghanistan then when I ask my PILs to look after the DCs!

niftyfifty Tue 06-Oct-09 15:08:11

Agree that YABVU - they are retired and have the right to enjoy their time, not change arrangements to suit you. Could you maybe change the date of the scan so it suits all of you?

sarah293 Tue 06-Oct-09 15:08:52

Message withdrawn

Hulababy Tue 06-Oct-09 15:08:54

"And the other thing i have noticed about PILs, the more retired they are, the less they are able to do to help!!!"

And why not, if that is what they chose? They have raised their family. They did their bt. Their retirement is for them to enjoy and do as they please.

My parents and my inlaws are equally lovely and adore spending as much time as possible with DD. But I would never expect them to do it.

And if they had a prearranged trip organised I would certainly never expect them to change their plans. TBH I wouldn't dream of asking them to at all.

MovingOutOfBlighty Tue 06-Oct-09 15:09:05

I think that everyone is being unfair here. The poster is worried about her unborn baby. What if there is something wrong and the poor youngest dc has to witness it, or leave the room with the DH. Poor OP being left to herself to have to deal with this.

I think they are not being very supportive at all. I would bloody well cancel anything to help with a friend in this situation, let alone a close family member.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 06-Oct-09 15:09:25

Perhaps, MovingOutOf Blighty, "the more retired they are, the less they are able to do to help!!!" is because they're getting older, less mobile, less bursting with youthful energy etc? hmm

Hulababy Tue 06-Oct-09 15:09:57

Roven That is very sad and a very different type of issue. I agree that in that sitation anyone should have been wanting to help, and moving heaven and earth to help.

diddl Tue 06-Oct-09 15:10:16

Also went for scans alone.

And if needed a "sitter" would have asked husband to have time off, tbh.

Would never have occured to me to ask my parents or ILs as I would then have had to explain why I needed them to sit.

Hulababy Tue 06-Oct-09 15:11:07

But why can't the OP change the nuchal scan date? Does it have to be done on at a specific time, or is there really long waiting lists?

MovingOutOfBlighty Tue 06-Oct-09 15:11:14

Sorry, if that sounded snarky. I actually adore my PILs. But yesterday my SIL (their daughter) were having a chuckle abotu how suddenly since retirement they have become so finickity about leaving the house when a couple of years ago the would fly out the door!

starwhores Tue 06-Oct-09 15:12:05

Oh well I took seventeen children on my back alone to the fifty nuchals and I only had one leg and no eyes. After that I worked for seven hours in the cotton fields and all that with no help.

Of course your PILs are BVU. Whilst it's not right to expect people to drop everything for you it's equally wrong not to help a family member who is clearly in need. I would seriously consider asking any workers at the nursery if they need any extra cash. And I wouldn't take your dcs with you either, what if it's really bad news and you have to half listen through a tantrum or squeals.

YANBU and they are BVU.

KembleTwins Tue 06-Oct-09 15:13:38

My PIL have NEVER babysat for us. In fact, they have spent about 12 hours in the same room as our kids in the three years since they were born. I've stopped expecting anything from them.

My parents are fab, but I wouldn't expect them to change plans to babysit for us. YABU.

squilly Tue 06-Oct-09 15:15:48

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. They had plans and may well have been looking forward to seeing the theatre production and going on the coach. And if you asked them expecting them to drop everything, they may have declined because they knew it was expected.

You are, however, going through a tough stage of pregnancy and testing is never pleasant so I fully understand that you're concerned.

Having said that, I took my nearly 5 year old with me when I miscarried my 4th baby and it was a little upsetting for her, but she soon forgot that side of things. And it helped to talk about what had happened when I didn't manage to get a brother or sister for her. So it's not always as bad as you think it's going to be.

And I had to go alone as DH was working, so you have a huge advantage with your DH being there.

I hope things go well for you. x

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