to expect DH to help more now that he's out of work?

[Eve4Walle]

DH has been at home for 4 weeks now, after being made redundant. He's having trouble getting work and is probably a bit depressed (that's another story).

He's not helping at all around the house, still gets up whenever he wants and won't help with the morning sandwich making, getting dressed etc routine.

I am so fed up, all we do is argue and he's making me resentful.

I do understand it's hard for him, but he doesn't seem bothered about any of it and I am concerned that he's not properly looking for a job either. He's just treating it like a big holiday, while my job and life goes on around him.

Help?

[MillyMollyMoo]

Yes you're right of course he should but it's never that simple.
Mine hasn't worked for 12 months now (has an 2nd interview today fingers crossed).
I would try and talk to him about it now though rather than leave it, things will only boil over. Maybe write a list of things you need doing.
Mine started with great enthusiasm about all the DIY he would do and now he's seriously thinking of using his £64 JSA to pay somebody to come in and paint, I nearly battered him around the he4ad with a tin of gloss.

[MaggieBehave]

I don't blame you.

He probably is feeling depressed, but if he at least feels useful around the house, and doesn't wind you up by not helping at all then that'll be better for him.

omg, YOU ARE working outside the house too!! and doing everything!!!

he should be doing most of it!

[Sallypuss]

YANBU

My DH has been out of work longer than I care to remember. He got into the habit of long 'lie-ins' and didn't have any routine to his day so would just drift from day to day. Drove me crackers.

Spent a lot of time helping him understand how it made me feel and whilst things are far from perfect he is making an effort to get into a routine and tries to achieve something, however small, every day. Also because I'm the main breadwinner, he has to look after DD 4 afternoons per week which helps focus his mind

[diddl]

You should be going to work and leaving everything else to him!

[jazzandh]

I can imagine that he probably feels useless and depressed as you say. He will need a routine however to keep him going.

What happens if you sit with him and work out his "roles and responsibilities" and help him structure his day. This would include a set time to lok for work - re-do his CV etc.

I know as a SAHM that it is very easy to drift about and get nothing done for want of a decent structure to the day. It can so easily get left to later, then you feel bad because you haven't achieved anything.....

[watercress]

YANBU

I was in the same situation for six months this year when my DH was made redundant. I went back to work full-time, and did extra freelance work to top up the finances, and realised I was still doing most of the childcare runs and housework and cooking.

He was very down about it, but then I fell pg and just couldn't do it all. So we had words, made some lists and he gradually moved towards a routine of doing both ends of the nursery day, jobhunting in the morning and doing other stuff (a mixture of household chores and fun stuff like going on the Playstation). And I learnt that I had to let go and not expect everything to be as it would be if I was doing my usual p/t working hours (leaving washing up etc).

It wasn't perfect, it didn't work all the time, but it was definitely an improvement. And he (ironically) felt more useful and enjoyed the fact that at the weekend, we could do fun stuff because there wasn't load of household chores to do.

So please tell him how you feel, and work towards him doing more. And remember that he will go back to work at some point.

Good luck x