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my sis in law and he 'whatever' attitude to her nephews

(32 Posts)
carocaro Mon 05-Oct-09 20:48:44

I have known my sis in law for 21 years and she has always been great with her nephews aged 2 and 7.

She married last year and since then we have seen her three times. He husband is a bit of a wally and seems to have turned her into a bit of a doormat eg: they always seem to do what he wants etc etc.

My DH went to stay the other week and he did not even come to say hello for over an hour as he was on the computer and my SIL had cooked a meal. Then he lay in bed all morning and did not say goodbye. We saw them in the Summer for 4 hours on a beach, he did not play with the kids once and barely spoke and only moved once which was when they left.

We have been invited to a 50th party I would love to go to and I have asked if she would have the boys overnight via email and text and no reponse.

This is the 1st time we have asked in 2 years, my eldest loves his Auntie and can't understand why we don't see her.

What really pisses me off is that they never come and stay, they live 3 hours away, as they are always booked up, but they I look on her wankers husbands facebook page and they have been twice this year to visit her godchildren who live 45 mins from us!

Fuck them I think, DH is upset but what do I say to my son who would love to see them?

Why is she such a doormat?

thesecondcoming Mon 05-Oct-09 23:32:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl Tue 06-Oct-09 08:36:12

They´ve only been married a year, perhaps they have other things to do other than visiting relatives.

Maybe he doesn´t like your husband or doesn´t see why he should change his routine whilst your husband is there visiting his sister.

This is the first time you have asked in 2yrs for them to have your children overnight?

So what?

That doesn´t mean they have to have them.

They don´t have their own children, and probably don´t want someone elses overnight.

GibbonInARibbon Tue 06-Oct-09 08:56:42

Is it the law now to be automatically harsh when posting on any AIBU thread? Must of missed that one hmm

To the OP - I can understand you feeling hurt, you had a certain relationship with SIL and now she has married that has changed. I do think it may be best to gently let it change. Feeling angry about the perceived lack of effort will just turn into bitterness. Not good for any involved. Hard as it may be you will have to accept that the new chapter in her life may mean changes in the relationship with your family.

Try not to take it personally smile

troutpout Tue 06-Oct-09 09:11:50

I agree with gibbon

Sunfleurs Tue 06-Oct-09 09:17:50

"wally", I love that word, haven't heard it for years.

OP I have three SIL and since they met "significant others" I don't hear a peep from them, they certainly would not dream of offering to babysit, would not even cross their minds. Might eat into their precious romantic time together. I too feel it is rather selfish and look forward to umming and ahhing when asked to babysit when their time comes. I know I will be asked a lot, seeing as I will be the only one with extensive child care experience.

No point getting upset about it though. I do find that a lot of women turn into big sponges for a while when they meet new men ie just soaking up every aspect and opinion of their new man (eg visiting his godchildren) and letting their own life drift for a while. Hopefully she will come round.

You don't really need to say anything to your dc, I don't to mine, just make a big deal when the aunties do bother to turn up. Kids don't notice things the way that we do.

Bramshott Tue 06-Oct-09 09:46:34

It must be hard when things change, but if they are 3 hours away, 3 times in a year is actually not that bad is it?!?

freename Tue 06-Oct-09 10:32:50

Some BIL's are like that. Ours 'works from home' when he is visiting (!?) so is in PIL's house but on his laptop in another room. I think he must have a very fascist boss who can see BIL leave the laptop to come and greet us as we arrive or notices that BIL hasn't typed anything for a few minutes. It is usually evening btw as we would go over after DH finishes work so not exactly cutting into his work day hmm We are expected too so not as if we're dropping in unannounced. Bad manners or passive aggressively putting us in our place? You decide smile

Either way we'll have been in the house for a good while before BIL decides to show his face.

Also I think it's up to each individual to manage these relationships with extended family. Some siblings are (let's face it) rubbish at that. I have a huge family compared to my DH but we don't have these scenarios because my lot are much better at communicating. People know how to reciprocate and prioritise accordingly.

Interestingly sunfleurs I can say it's worth the wait when they finally see you in a new light as potential childcare wink and the dawning that they've shot themselves in the foot! reciprocityismymiddlename!

carocaro Tue 06-Oct-09 16:52:46

Thanks, all he's just a selfish twat frankly.

When DH had a different job, he used to see the quite regularly and took them out for dinner and paid, which he was happy to do at the time and BIL always managed to stuff steak and chips, wine and beer down. Now DH's job is different and he is not in the position to take them out for dinner, BIL is not interested. Which to me speak volumes.

I don't expect anyone to play with my children, but at the beach he sat there on his arse for 4 hours and did not even acknowlegde them, even when DS1 was asking him to look in some rock pools, he said no.

I also don't expect him to drop everything when family arrive, but not even to say hello and then go back upstairs is rude and bad manners.

Had not relly thought about when the times comes when they needs a baby sitter!? And it was very usefull for them to use DH's hotel room discount twice this year whilst attending weddings!

Trouble is we have no one else we can ask, my Mum has them, but Step Dad too ill with his MS at the moment. DS1 is 7 and DS2 is 2 so can't relly just leave them with anyone.

She doesn't have to have them, but at least a response would have been nice. I suppose I don't like the way she has become since they married, we always had such a great time together BEFORE HIM, with or without the kids. DS1 is the one who wonders most why he never sees her anymore, which is hard to explain. And I am not sure if that is what she wants but only what he wants!

diddl - thankfully I will never have to visit your house as I would expect a slap and a dogshit sandwich and be told to be thankfull for it!

Sunfleurs Wed 07-Oct-09 11:48:00

grin at your last paragraph op.

Your SIL is a "sponge" (see my previous post). I have known many and she sounds classic. There is not a lot to be done about it really. My sister is a "Sponge". She has posted one or two paltry pictures of my dc (blood relatives!!!) on her Facebook Profile birthday whereas her dh's sister's kids have whole albums devoted to them. It is hurtful but there is nothing to be done about it, you just have to try to put it out of your mind.

I feel your pain with regard to babysitting though, I have no-one at all to leave my dc with. My parents are miles away and my sister and SIL's are useless.

DrunkenDaisy Wed 07-Oct-09 12:11:31

You obviously can't stand him - why would he want to spend time with you? Get over yourself.

And it's totally reasonable to expect someone to spend more time with your kids when they're single and not so much when they're coupled up.

God if it's a choice between looking after my sister's sprogs or doing adult stuff with a man i've fallen in love with, i know what i'd choose.

It's fuck all to do with being a sponge, it's simply making a choice of what i'd rather do with my time.

Sunfleurs Wed 07-Oct-09 12:19:46

Nice language, you obviously feel VERY strongly about his Drunkendaisy.

Me, I prefer a good balance, one that doesn't involve dropping my relatives and their dc who have a bond with them the minute some bloke comes along, because his needs, wants, and God children are just that bit more important, and if OP's SIL lets him behave like that then she is a "sponge".

I have seen this a million times with friends and relatives and accept it with equanamity. Still think its a pretty rubbish way to behave though.

Sunfleurs Wed 07-Oct-09 12:20:15

this not his, obviously.

smee Wed 07-Oct-09 12:23:35

Can't quite see why you're so miffed with diddl. She was a bit pointed, but just saying an alternative pov not being rude. Thing that struck me about your post - and feel free to take offence - is that it's all about you - you miss your sil, your son misses her, you want a baby sitter... but what about her and what she wants? Okay so her DH sounds like a complete arse, but still surely she's owed some loyalty. Maybe you should think about her a bit? Maybe there's a reason she hasn't got back in touch. Maybe she's having a hard time and could use a friend to talk to rather than someone who wants a babysitter.

diddl Wed 07-Oct-09 12:37:00

Was only putting some thoughts forward!

Also, unless I´ve misunderstood the OP, it´s the SIL who hasn´t replied, not the selfish twät!

I get on with my BIL, but when I visit, it is more my sister I´m bothered about seeing, so if he was on the computer it wouldn´t bother me.

As long as sis & I could drink wine & catch up with the gossip!

As thee any chance that the twät is shy?

Sunfleurs Wed 07-Oct-09 12:39:09

I thought he sounds like a man with a rather large sense of entitlement, which is rather worrying for your SIL.

DrunkenDaisy Wed 07-Oct-09 12:47:47

And he's not 'some bloke' he's her husband!

I don't feel that strongly about it, i'm just bored and can't stand wingers who demand that everybody worship their DC's as much as they do.

Sunfleurs Wed 07-Oct-09 12:51:56

To be fair, I don't think the OP is doing that. She is hurt that her SIL who was previously close to her and her dc does not seem interested anymore. Would you not be hurt if your close friend/relative who lived 3 hours away made the huge journey to see someone else and didn't even let you know they were in the area? I would be.

Although I wouldn't say anything to her or him. I agree it is up to them to spend their time how they wish but I would be a bit hurt by it. However I don't tend to let that kind of thing affect my relationships with people. You just have to let these things go or you would be seething all the time wouldn't you?

Sunfleurs Wed 07-Oct-09 12:53:47

TBH I can't stand this, "oh this is such a boring, whinging post so I will give the OP a nice, sharp shock to wake themselves up out of their navel gazing" type of post. I think its unkind, but then thats AIBU I suppose. Best avoided if one is feeling fragile.

OrmIrian Wed 07-Oct-09 12:56:29

Sorry your SIL is being so uninterested. It's not fair on your sons - it isn't much to ask them both (feigned in his case maybe) to show some interest. I am surprised that anyone who cares for them could switch off so easily sad

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied Wed 07-Oct-09 13:04:23

I feel for you OP. I'd say she has made the decision so your conscience is clear to both her and your son- you have tried to make the effort and she has clearly changed her priorities.

If I were you, I'd drop her one more txt saying that DS is really missing her and would she like to come and stay. If there's no response then I'd leave it at that and back away to avoid this uncertainty and upheaval for your DS.

She has been really selfish and has totally disregarded the feelings of your poor DS who she had made an effort previously to build a relationship with.

I would tell DS she is 'too busy' now that she is married and that you're sure he will get to see her some time in the future. What a horrible situation you've been put in.

I would also ignore the people on this thread who have been unecessarily mean, you are clearly quite hurt by her actions and worried about how DS will react. Being concerned about your DC just makes you a good mum.

Hope things improve soon.

lovechoc Wed 07-Oct-09 13:07:14

that's families for you. we have the opposite problem. DH's brother is a doormat and he does everything his wife tells him to. They don't leave the house and so we've never actually seen our nephews any more than a handful of times (3yo and a 2yo). Our DS would probably benefit from seeing them but hey ho, if they are not interested then you can't do a thing about it.

You just have to accept that's how her husband is and if he doesn't want to make the effort: HIS loss, not yours. People like that aren't worth bothering about tbh

carocaro Thu 08-Oct-09 18:46:55

Cheers all, esp Sunfluers, totallyandutterlypants and others, as my OP says I do not expect them to drop everything and baby sit my kids at a moments notice and force them to spend time with my kids! Does my OP say I am demanding them to worship my children? NO!

They were page boys at their wedding so I though that might have meant something?! My DH got all the wedding suits for ushers etc at half price via his company - we were usefull then!

Both me and DH have tried to engage BIL in conversation, invite him to things like and Aston Martin driving day, which funnily enough responded too straight away! The twat is defo not shy. But when he's not interested in something he sits there and says nothing. So we are not bothering anymore.

And I don't like him now, I did before, but as we no longer offer any benefits to him, he's not interested.

Selfish and a sponge sums them up.

So no 50th fab party for me and DH on Saturday night then!

2rebecca Thu 08-Oct-09 22:40:05

If my relatives come round my husband will often get on with his own thing, partly through shyness and partly because he sees them as my family. I don't think couples have to do everything 2 by 2. If I visit my brother my SIL often has work stuff to get on with. That's fine, I'll chat to my brother. You don't sound as though you like your BIL so I'm surprised you get upset when he doesn't drop everything the moment you arrive.
Some people just aren't that into kids. It seems a shame to let it spoil your relationship with your sister in law though. If she doesn't have kids I'm not surprised she's not keen to babysit. I've never asked my sibs without kids.
I'd leave it to your husband to arrange things with his sister.

diddl Fri 09-Oct-09 08:58:30

Before your SIL was married, who visited who?

Was it equal, or mainly you going to her?

This could be as much your SIL as her husband not wanting to have your children overnight.

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