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MIL: "We didn't invite you to your sil hen night because we knew you would come"...

(27 Posts)
chloebe Mon 05-Oct-09 20:02:46

Things have becoming increasing frosty between me and mil since my dd1 was born 2 years ago.
My Sil is getting married and asked to borrow my camera for her trip to Cardiff, to which I replied, "how lovely, are you going on a mini break with future bil" To which my mil sniped "no its SIL hennight, but we didn't invite you because we knew you wouldn't come, it's next week so it's short notice now any how!". Granted I have just had my dd2, but I would have appreciate being asked.

Second issue is for the last 2 years we have been expected to go round every weekend.. we are greeted by a saturady morning text of "let me know what time you are bringing the girls to see us today so I can get sil"! Then there are big huffs if we don't go, which isn't very often... until now... dh and I have found that having two children and him having a very stressful job, means quality family time is imperitive especially as we have just hit terrible twos with dd1, they only see their dad for 5 mins a night so weekends are important.

It's very intense round at the inlaws so it is difficult to be able to even parent children let alone have any quality time. We are usually expected at 12pm, after dd1 nap, as fil goes to the pub at 2pm and we usually feel uncomfortable leaving before at least 3pm as we get greeted with "just 5 more mins... etc" from mil.

So I spoke to mil and said that because of dh ever increasing workload and also the importance of us having one to one time with the kids we were looking to only come round every fortnight for the short term and on the weeks where they are not seeing the kids at the weekend I would drop them round one afternoon, as fil is working flexitime as being semi retired... to cut a long and painful conversation short, she called me spiteful, unfair, that I was taking her son away from her - you get the jist...

Where do I go from here??

BiteOfFun Mon 05-Oct-09 20:06:34

You don't go anywhere- you point DH to the problem and leave it be. Rotten for you, she sounds a bit of a cowbag.

diddl Mon 05-Oct-09 20:10:41

Oh FFS!

Silly cow!!

I´d certainly not bother to take the children in the week.
(But then I am spiteful and unfair blush)

I suppose in hindsight it would have been better coming from your husband-although she would probably have thought you put him up to it!

My parents used to come every week, in the week & stay to see husband coming in from work.

I offered to do this with ILs, but oh no, they only wanted to be there when their son was!!!

So they came every third Sat or Sun, as that was as enough for him!!

chloebe Mon 05-Oct-09 20:11:01

dh has gone out with fil tonight, fil is lovely and when dh took kids round this weekend as I couldn't face to tension after the conversation we had, she started the motional guilt trip, saying that she felt I was taking him away from her, to which my dh replied that she was being unfair, so an hour worth of tears followed, I don't know what to do as I don't want any tension and to feel like I ma the evil dil but it is the best for our family at the moment... and taking the kids round for an hour during the weekend isn't possible as they won't let us leave, honestly we are captive there it takes her 45 mins to get out the door....

Jux Mon 05-Oct-09 20:14:41

Just do what you said you'd do. You've done the difficult bit and you don't need to do anything else.

diddl Mon 05-Oct-09 20:17:17

"Taking her son from her".

I´ve had that, and the tears-dozy mare asking by husband "don´t you love me anymore?"

Yes,you´re my mother, but I don´t want to come home to you every night and raise a family with you!!!

Not to mention that he´d left home/been independant for years, of course!

ScaryFucker Mon 05-Oct-09 20:19:12

what a pathetic woman (your MIL, not you wink)

JustAnotherManicMummy Mon 05-Oct-09 20:25:42

Agree with BOF. Although I do have the following suggestion:

If you can find any spare time (and I know this may be difficult) can I suggest you practice arching one eyebrow?

This can then be applied in all of the senarios you have mentioned.

For maximum effect pair with cat's bum mouth.

diddl Mon 05-Oct-09 20:27:29

Did your MIL take her child(ren) to see her MIL every week?

I´m sure our parents didn´t have this.

I saw much more of my maternal than paternal grandparents.

It´s often the way it is.

I offrerd my ILs the chance to visit as much as my parents,but they didn´t take it.

I realise they weren´t so bothered about me, but you´d think that they could get over that to see as much as possible of their only grandchildren.

chloebe Mon 05-Oct-09 20:27:41

I found the hen night thing quite hurtful too... sil came to mine, it's not as if it was a small do either... 25 people went!!! The worst thing is I have asked and offered my help with the wedding and even asked what she had planned for her hen night previous to this and they kept it from me until it was too late anyway, really upset me, mainly because I given the family virtue shite by the spade full and expected to enjoy their company for over 5 hrs a week but it doesn't work the other way... I felt like a social reject, plus it was embaressing as this all happened infront of dh and fil . I cried in the car on the way home sad

thumbscrewwitch Mon 05-Oct-09 20:36:06

THe only thing really wrong in this scenario is that you feel you have done something wrong here. You haven't - your MIL is a jealous old witch who should grow up.

LEave it to your DH to sort out and start ignoring her ghastly behaviour - if you can manage to "not care" whether she is pleasant or not to you, then you will feel better yourself and she can go stuff herself. Ditto SIL (although I expect she was influenced by MIL). YOu have your DH and your DC - THEY are your family, and you and the DC are his family - that's the important thing to remember.

slowreadingprogress Mon 05-Oct-09 20:36:45

I think you should let your husband have these conversations with his mother. I can't imagine that your MIL would ever take it well coming from you. Don't allow yourself to neatly take up that position of 'baddie' for her. Put your DH centre stage - it's his mum!

dinkystinkystein Mon 05-Oct-09 20:43:50

Chloebe - your MIL sounds like a horrid old bag. You sound like you've been really tolerant of her awfulness to date but enough is definitely enough - if she wants to be in your DDs life and see as much of your DH as she demands she needs to start treating you with some consideration and respect. I agree with the others - your DH needs to talk to her (and your SIL too for good measure) and lay down the law about how they need to respect his family - and his need for quality time with his girls - and be considerate of you and the girls. If they cant toe the line, they cant see you guys - end of story. Hopefully that will get them behaving themselves.

diddl Mon 05-Oct-09 20:45:05

Yes, I´m also wondering why you phoned to say it wouldn´t be every weekend.

Visits should be when it´s convenient to you, not them.

And they should think themselves lucky that they´ve seen their grandchildren every week so far.

carocaro Mon 05-Oct-09 20:53:44

You get on with you and your family and leave DH to do all the talking.

She has been vile and you have been very patient with it all.

Enough is enough.

My Dads parents were like this, my parents ran their own business 6 days a week and my Granparents insisted every Sunday coming to stay, my Mum got pissed off with it and once we told them we were going out and they came round to check, my Mum and I hid on the floor by the bay window and apparently she saw us and did not speak to us all for over a year!!!!

We have the funny family thing we do after visitors leave, we used to do it when we were little, we all jump up and down in the hallway, nuts but true, I even do it now when my Mum leaves and I see her at least once a week!

Pissing families, see my post about a lack of visits! HA HA HA!

LaaDeDa Mon 05-Oct-09 20:54:07

Ive had a similar situation to yours and i really feel for you.

The thing that strikes me is that you sound as though you really are trying your best to be friendly and are very hurt but mil's (and sil's) treatment of you.

Please do not feel hurt by their behaviour - they are being mean and spiteful and you do not need to seek their friendship or approval. I would imagine they (especially mil) are massively jealous of you. You have the attention of their son/bro and 2 lovely children.

Let mil show her true colours, let your husband deal with her and stay true to yourself. If you are happy to take the children round at an alternative time, then do it. If you feel uncomfortable over there - then don't. Don't start getting petty and bitchy back - just keep your head held high and continue to be as reasonable as you are able but keep your distance if/when it becomes too much. Protect yourself from the nastiness.

I hope your dh is really supportive of you.

chloebe Mon 05-Oct-09 20:57:45

Thanks for your comments feel a bit better- my dh is generally useless when it comes to standing up to his mom. She is very manipulative and my dh just wants to easy life. I rang her as it is me and that she uses to communicate through when she wants to see the kids, I have never been very good at saying no. I don't have a big family and my dad died just after got married so didn't get to meet the girls, I think it is just a case of trying to keep everyone else happy and forgetting about us. My MIL would have thought I put dh up to it so I just thought I needed to get the point across as it has gone on for long enough...

6feetundertheGroundhogs Mon 05-Oct-09 21:10:13

agree with Laadeda, don't get dragged into her games.

The hen night thing kind of nails her colours to the wall so to speak. Also SIL. Sod them BOTH, they neither of them have any class nor manners.

Time for you to raise your game.

If you don't fancy seeing them, and can come up with a family activity in it's place, do your thing.

She won't like it, but then again she doesn't have to. Stop trying to please her, you won't. Not ever.

Plan your own weekends, with DH help and agreement obviously. Let DH deal with her, it won't be easy, but it has to be done.

You have to be the matriarch of your own family, and not let her hang onto the reins of your lives.

lilackaty Mon 05-Oct-09 21:22:04

Do the children enjoy going over there?
I think you have been incredibly reasonable.
Would they or you consider them visiting you instead? Although, in a way, that would probably be worse.

Doodleydoo Mon 05-Oct-09 21:22:54

I really feel for you, it is very difficult to try and keep the balance with the IL. We have also found this out to our cost and quite often feel unimportant compared to SIL and her DC, it doesn't affect my DC at the moment but she will know in the future because of the difference in treatment. At the momemnt we try and protect her from it and she is very small. But keep your head held high and to keep the upper ground be polite and respectful whilst also sticking to your rules and not the IL. Don't be made to feel guilty and I am sure you aren't the only person who is a little sick of the IL games that are played. I could tell you a few but it would only depress me and my rant would carry on eternally! Keep your chin up chook!smile

chloebe Mon 05-Oct-09 21:28:07

I have to admit the kids love it, they love their grandparents, so it is a bit of a double edged sword really... but they won't be seeing any less of them and also pil will be getting to spend time on their won with them, so hopefully the weekends we do go round won't be as intense... they know they are welcome here but my sil (who is 29) always wants pil to pick her up and bring her to their house so she can see the kids, so it is a bit of a ball ache for them to come here after going to get her if you see what I mean... could be an option though, but still not doing every weekend - I know deep down we have made the right decision as my eldest dd (20 months)has been very clingy of late and I know it is because my dh has been working longer hours so she only sees him for him to put her to bed- so it is evident that she is craving his attention, she gets her fill of me!

LaaDeDa Mon 05-Oct-09 21:38:10

100% agree with 6feetunder - use this as your mantra -
STOP TRYING TO PLEASE HER, YOU WON'T. NOT EVER.

If you can fully get your head around this then it can be very liberating. You could be ^the most^ reasonable person ever and it would still be wrong - so why bother when you're dealing with those odds?! Do what pleases you and give your inlaws the place in your life that you feel they deserve - the nicer they are to you, the more likely you are to want to spend time with them.

You may have married their son but you do not have to slip meekly under the umbrella that is 'their family'. You, your dh and youe children are The Family now and they are just supporting acts.

In my situation i have acted consistently - not blown hot and cold depending on how i've been treated. People have realised this and respected me for it and the inlaws have seen i am no pushover and that their actions have consequences - if they want more that duty visits then they need to treat me in an appropriate and civil way.

Tortington Mon 05-Oct-09 21:39:06

what a silly woman she didn't think this through at all did she?

dont go.

just don't go.

you are the alpha female in YOUR family. if she wants to see her son and grandchildren perhaps she needs to kiss your arse.

dont effing go to her house again.

Doodleydoo Mon 05-Oct-09 21:42:05

Its the daughter father thing! Remember you are always in the position of power in your family. IL can be great or they can be tricky. A friend has a MIL who was brilliant until the birth of DS then all went horribly wrong - you are taking my son away being the problem. What they seem to forget is that your DH and everyone elses DH has now got a family of their own which takes up more time than before. If you didn't have children you would be having grief for not having them and being selfish to deprive PIL of little treasures. Its a no win situationwink

2rebecca Mon 05-Oct-09 22:19:10

I would never visit any relative every weekend. Agree I wouldn't have phoned her, I would have just stopped going as often and said "we're busy this weekend" when phoned, but then we usually are busy. I also leave communicating with DH's family up to him.

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