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To want to see my grandchild?

(14 Posts)
Prunerz Mon 05-Oct-09 17:45:35

Ahem, ok, not ME. My stepmother told me the other day that she has two grandchildren, not one (as I had thought).

She has 2 sons, only one of whom I've met as an adult. The dad fecked off years ago (he was a twit, I used to know him, he really was). The son is about 33, and shiftless, basically. He sponges off her for at least 4 months a year, an spends the rest of his time in a variety of short-term jobs. He most likely has an alcohol problem.

And he got a woman pregnant; she now has a son. My stepmother is delightful, and very sad about it all. She's sad that her son turned out the way he did (her other one is a perfectly normal, decent person who works hard) and has tried to help him but to no avail. She really wants to help the single mother of the child - financially, to be a supportive (if distant) grandmother, etc. She has good motives, but the woman refuses contact.

I can understand why - after all it would be tempting to think that any woman who has a son as lazy and unreliable as him would potentially be worse than him. She's simply not like that. Is there anything she can do?

StewieGriffinsMom Mon 05-Oct-09 17:51:46

Message withdrawn

diddl Mon 05-Oct-09 17:53:52

Of course she´s NBU.

Perhaps the mother wants nothing to do with the childs father and is worried your stepmother wants to interfere in that?

Prunerz Mon 05-Oct-09 17:54:49

Thanks, the savings account is a really nice idea, and the scrapbook.
I know it all keeps her awake at night sad
She is an absolutely lovely person and a really loving grandmother to my dc, no blood relation of hers.

franklymydear Mon 05-Oct-09 17:56:02

She should start by sending presents and cards to child and a letter to the mother saying she accepts her son is not good enough and that she doesn't want anything from her but if she ever needs anything from her she wanted her to know where she was

then leave it

then a present at christmas and keep going on

TrillianSlasher Mon 05-Oct-09 17:56:13

I can see why the mother doesn't want to be in contact with her TBH. You hear enough about nightmare MILs with sons who are nice enough that people are still living with them to think that the mother of one like this must be worse.

Stewie has the right idea. Very gentle contact and presents, etc (not expensive, but thoughtful presents) sound like the right way to go.

PoppyIsApain Mon 05-Oct-09 17:56:51

i thought grandparents had rights contact a solicitor and enquire about reasonable access to the child

Prunerz Mon 05-Oct-09 17:57:04

It must be something like that diddl.
She has never met the woman but has an address and has written saying she doesn't want to interfere, she just wants to help. I can see it could be easier to not let her.
She hasn't any intention of getting her son involved: she had enough of her husband being a twat, she isn't going to push another twat to be a poor father.

Prunerz Mon 05-Oct-09 17:58:45

She'd never go through a solicitor. She's too nice to demand anything! And that isn't her aim - she wants to help, not force someone into a corner.

MaggieBehave Mon 05-Oct-09 17:59:34

I feel sorry for her. My x was so abusive to me I had to leave him, and he is so discourteous and oblivious to his mother's pov that he never 'facilitates' their grandmother/grandchildren relationship. I can't do it because I have enough on my plate and it's his job. But if she did show up on her own I'd never turn her away. She hasn'tthe nerve because she was so vile to me when I left her son. But even so, I feel sorry for her. I feel liek she's another victim of her son's selfishness and thoughtlessness.

MaggieBehave Mon 05-Oct-09 18:01:42

I agree with frankly...

If my xmil sent me a note to say that she took back all the thngs she said about me and that her son wasn't worthy to be the children's dad and could she try again...?????? I'd definitely, cautiously be happy about that.

My eyes are welling up now actually. She wasa bitch to me when I left her son, but she was always a MUCH better grandmother than he was a father.

franklymydear Mon 05-Oct-09 18:05:59

wanting to help is emotive though -t he mother doesn't need help or want it

wanting to be a loving grandmother with no expectations is different

seriously like the money saving idea but think you need somethingn visible - small not expensive but thought-out presents - gently, easy non-demanding communication - offering to be there if there is any need and divorcing herself from son's actions

WailingGhoshe Mon 05-Oct-09 18:08:40

Grandparents have no rights here in Britain.

Believe me we know, we have been fighting for them for 14 years, within which time our GC has lived with us, but now she is back with her mother, if her mother chooses to deny us accsess (and has when it suits her) we cannot do anything.

mmrred Mon 05-Oct-09 19:06:12

I have the feeling that grandparents have limited (legal)rights and they have to apply to the court for permission to apply for contact to a child. I'm sure someone with more legal knowledge can explain better.

I have a friend, whose XP doesn't see their DS (lots of issues, financial, not dependable etc), who sends a short letter and a couple of photos twice a year to her child's grandparents. Apart from contacting her the first time saying they didn't feel it was 'fair' to be seeing the child if their son wasn't seeing him, they never bother to reply.

I think in this situation Frankly has it right - a present at Xmas & birthday, a card at Easter and perhaps a short letter each time, all totally non-threatening. Perhaps the mother will come round in time.

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