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to feel a bit put out that dad calls my mum 'mummy' to DS?

(27 Posts)
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied Sun 04-Oct-09 19:54:28

It's not a one off, it's literally a good couple of times an hour.

DH noticed it first. Things like 'aww show mummy, mummy kiss it better' or 'go and see mummy' when he passed DS to her etc.

He does tend to act like I'm not DS's mum and they have a big deal about doing things 'their way' with DS. I have always let this go.

DS is now 17 months and the other day, DS fell over. DB was with him on the other side of the room so he picked him up quickly and passed him to my mum who was sat next to me. Two minutes later my dad referred to my mum as 'mummy' twice, instead of 'nana'.

He also kicks off if I do something for DS. For example. We were out for a meal and it was outside (in summer). DS dropped his dummy and dad picked it up and gave it to him. I gritted my teeth and didn't say anything, but he dropped it again and it was obviously getting dirty on the floor so I said 'oh don't give him that, it's dirty, I'll go and give it a wash'. Dad started rolling his eyes and huffing about it. Then he pulled a face and marched off to get a drink. They tend to let him run off quite a lot and if I go and get DS or ask them to keep a closer eye on him if they want to take him for a run around, dad gets really angry, and does the same rolling eyes etc.

He disregards what I say and double checks things with my mum for how they should be done.

I just find it strange. It's not something I'll bring up with him or anything, but it's like he refuses to acknowledge that I'm a parent.

bigchris Sun 04-Oct-09 19:57:12

I think you should get someone else to mind your children as you are obviously not happy with yuor parents doing it
just see them in small doses and try not to let things irritate you so much

HumphreyCobbler Sun 04-Oct-09 19:59:44

well I would find this very irritating, especially double checking things you say with your mum.

Where did the op say they minded her children?

bigchris Sun 04-Oct-09 20:00:36

she has another thread going in aibu

bigchris Sun 04-Oct-09 20:01:26

here

MissMoopy Sun 04-Oct-09 20:02:52

There are obviously serious issues here between you and your family. You are your childs parent. I think you need to remember that and take control. Otherwise your son will also learn to ignore and disrespect your views and requests.

HumphreyCobbler Sun 04-Oct-09 20:02:58

I see. Thanks.

MissMoopy Sun 04-Oct-09 20:03:23

There are obviously serious issues here between you and your family. You are your childs parent. I think you need to remember that and take control. Otherwise your son will also learn to ignore and disrespect your views and requests.

MissMoopy Sun 04-Oct-09 20:08:22

Sorry, posted twice! Doh!

tillykins Sun 04-Oct-09 20:08:41

that would drive me nuts

she isn't mummy, she is nana

tell your Dad, that DS will be confused and you don't want him telling people he has two mummies.....

your dad might respond to that wink

groundhogs Sun 04-Oct-09 20:14:25

God, it's never ending with those parents isn't it? my heartfelt symppathies!

Agree with tillykins, and then Correct him, everytime. if it takes a long time for him to get it, try injecting extremely bored tone into the correction....

I seriously think you need to put some distance and boundaries between your parents and your family... Get some proper childminding, and get some proper sitters. Ones that DO flaming listen to you and follow your routine, guidelines etc wink

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied Sun 04-Oct-09 20:14:41

Hmm I just wrote on this thread and my post hasn't come up.

It's not exactly that he's doing it on purpose, it's like totally absent minded IYSWIM. Sometimes I'll say 'you mean nana' and he'll go 'yes that's what i said'.

Maybe he's going demented.

Starting AIBU's all over the shop tonight, getting far to irritated today I think grin

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 04-Oct-09 20:14:44

YANBU.

I realise that mentioning it to your parents is definitely going to start an argument, but you do have to raise this with them - particularly your dad. Next time he does it, correct him - "silly papa, he means nana dooesn't he DS" or "dad, mum is nana to DS you're confusing him" or even "dad, does your medication need tweaking again" - something!

You have a lot of issues in your family, but I really wouldn't let this one go. And I'd be hard pushed to be civil if somebody rolled their eyes at me.

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied Sun 04-Oct-09 20:17:40

The other thing is, if you say to DS 'where's daddy' or 'where's auntie or uncle such and such' he'll point at them and say what sounds like their name but if you say 'where's mummy' he says 'don't know' and holds his hands up and shrugs.

So he actually doesn't know who I am does he? I spend most of my time with him.

MissMoopy Sun 04-Oct-09 20:40:24

Have just read your other post - big hugs first of all. Really, I think you should try and get alternative child care and distance yourself from your family. Toxic is an understatement. My family are similar, BUT also over 200 miles away so I only have to manage them occasionally. I would not allow them to care for my child, especially if they behaved like yours. Seriously, take some control. Maybe some counselling would help you make sense of things and help you establish some boundaries?

groundhogs Mon 05-Oct-09 00:04:05

TAUP: think you are being rather kind and generous tbh.

seriously, your parents need to start respecting you and your word etc.

Re your where's mummy...That's cos you don't talk about yourself when you are with him. But when DH comes in, you'sll say, here's daddy, here's Aunty X etc

make the where's mummy into a great big BOO game! Where's Mummy? reply Don't know - big voice HERE I AM! I used to chat away and talk to myself, mummy's doing this, mummy's doing that, but that was cos I was alone 5000 miles away from normality and never went out for weeks... I only did it, cos otherwise i was worried i'd forget how to speak grin

Come on girl, you need to stand up and be counted on this, take back control as miss moopy said.

You're his mummy, you are the matriarch, it's a role you have to elbow your way into sometimes... and no-one is going to show you how to wrest that control from your mother, or from MIL, but you have to. That's the role we have to assume when we become mothers.

Leeka Mon 05-Oct-09 00:18:00

You say that you were all out for a meal but 'they tend to let him run off a lot' - I don't understand why you're not the one enforcing your own preferences with your own child when you're out with your parents? It sounds like you let them take over.

I might spend a little less time with them, unless they made my life easier or more pleasant, which from your threads it doesn't sound like they do, more the opposite. And definitely look into childcare alternatives.

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied Mon 05-Oct-09 19:10:02

They say 'I'm just taking him for a walk over here' etc, which is nice because they want to take him off and play etc but then they let him run too far or one time I saw him climbing concrete steps- ok, dad was behind him checking he didn't fall, but I don't let him play on steps, and I'd like DS to realise that it is not ok, it's dangerous.

piscesmoon Mon 05-Oct-09 19:15:50

You need to sit down with DH and have a serious talk. Don't let him do it.

texasholdem Mon 05-Oct-09 19:32:13

I'm sorry but thats just weird. I can't believe your dad says 'go to mummy' when taking about your DS's nana hmm. The next time he says this you have to tell him really firmly to stop saying it. Tell him DS only has 1 mother which is you and that DS is already getting confused because of him doing this.

As for checking things with your mum, why does he feel he has the right to do this? You and DH are DS's parents, nobody else. You are the ones who make the decisions in his life and so your dad really shouldn't be doing this either. You have to stand up for yourself and get it sorted as it sounds like he is underminding your parenting. Can you mum not speak to him about it too?

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied Mon 05-Oct-09 19:41:19

Mum says she doesn't want to 'cause trouble' and tells me to stop starting things.

I try to tell dad and he looks at mum like 'who does she thinks she is? We know best' or he says 'I said nana' when he didn't. Grrr my parents do my head in at times.

I think DH is close to telling him to stop it though- as he's convinced that's why DS doesn't know I'm his mummy. He doesn't like this at all.

2rebecca Mon 05-Oct-09 22:26:31

If you don't like it then just stop seeing so much of them and refer to yourself as mummy more. You sound a bit passive. It's up to you how much time your kids spend with your parents. It sounds as though you behave like stroppy teenage daughter with them rather than confident adult.

diddl Tue 06-Oct-09 08:48:55

I guess it´s because your mum has your son so often that your dad defers to her.

You´ll have to decrease/stop the childcare or speak up when you´re with them!

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied Tue 06-Oct-09 21:23:12

It's only 2-3 hours a day 3-4 days a week which in the actual scheme of things is not 'so often', but he's going in nursery now anyway.

2rebecca Tue 06-Oct-09 23:27:13

I find it odd if it's that little that your son doesn't call you mummy. Does your husband not refer to you as mummy when with him? It still sounds as though you need to be more assertive when with your parents , go to your child if he's distressed and not let him be passed to other relatives and pick relatives up on it if they call anyone except you and your husband your child's mum or dad.
If you have alternate childminding you won't need to see them as often though so things should just settle down.
When voluntary organisations like scouts and brownies are desperate for helpers it does strike me as odd that the people who are so desperate to childmind and fuss over children don't get involved in something like that. It might help fill their desire to be wanted and have children to fuss over.

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