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to think that maybe she went a little bit overboard?

(113 Posts)
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied Sun 04-Oct-09 17:57:16

It was my birthday yesterday and DH was taking me away for the day and then we were going out for tea. Mum was going to mind DS.

She came round in the morning for a couple of minutes to pick up my DS and obviously to visit me on my birthday. Dad and DB came round at the same time, didn't really speak to me and didn't say happy birthday. I explained that it was really important that DS went to bed between 6-7pm as he usually goes about 6.15 and it is the one thing he is really picky about. He's 17 months and when he's ready for bed he gets his PJs, nappy and wipes, asks for a cup of 'milk' and says 'bobos' if he's left up any later he gets really unsettled and he will be up a good few times in the night crying. He likes to get up about 8am and if he has gone to bed at his bed time he sleeps through. He's a little poorly at the moment with a head cold and cough so it's even more important.

I said I wasn't fussed about anything else, when I send food she normally doesn't feed him it and gives him her own thing so I thought fair enough since she's having him overnight for us.

She ended up 'losing track of time' as she went to her sister's house who generally takes priority over anyone else. She rang me at 7.45 saying she'd just put him to bed and he was crying his eyes out and refusing his cup of milk. She wanted to know what to do. I was just getting ready to go to the meal and got a little flustered. I was ok on the phone but I txt afterwards and said 'I really appreciate you having him for us but when he stays at yours or [DH's mums's] it's really important you stick to our routine as it really works for him.' She gets very huffy and on her high horse if MIL ever does anything slightly wrong like feed him the 'wrong' thing or put him to bed later/fuss over him and play with him when he's in his cot.

She rang me and said 'what the hell is that supposed to mean?' I said 'nothing, I'm just saying he's very much in his bed routine and he'll keep you up all night now and he'll be bad for a couple of nights.' she was really angry and started shouting.

I said I really didn't want to row on my birthday and I was on my way out. She said 'fine, see you' and hung up.

I rang this morning and I was nice, didn't mention the night before, just asked when we should pick him up. She was off, but ok.

She wasn't in when we went to pick him up so I rang her a few times to find out where she was, she didn't answer her mobile. I then rang my dad who was really off with me, barely spoke, was grumpy and had a really nasty attitude. I finally got in touch with my mum and she had gone shopping so DH and I went to meet her to get DS. I asked her why my dad had been off and if it had been because of the night before. She said 'I don't know'. I said that I hadn't been horrible, I'd simply said that it is important that he goes to bed at his bed time as he gets unsettled otherwise. She started shouting in the shop. She said that DS had slept fine but he was tired out and slept 2 and a half hours when he got home. He doesn't normally sleep in the day anymore or if he does it's for 15-20 mins or so.

My sister came round today to bring me a card and I said 'I think mum's upset with me'. Mum had already told her what had happened but had been moaning about the fact she looks after DS 3 afternoons a week while I work, but at the moment she has to have him 4 as SIL has broken her leg and can't look after him. My sister was well and truly on mum's side. My mum has her twins 6 days a week all day. Sister said that I 'need mum too much' to 'act' like I have, and that if I'm going to have mum look after DS then I can't have anything done how I want it done, it needs to be how mum has it done and I can bite my tongue.

She was quite agressive about this.

Background is that they are a toxic family and I am very much the scapegoat in general anyway. But I was just trying to ask her to do what is best for DS. I was nice about it and really don't know why she has kicked off so much. Now mum isn't speaking to me at all and had to drop some birthday cards off for me so she walked past my front room window- I was sat in the chair next to the window, posted them through the door and marched off.

It just all seems silly. I have a teaching observation this week and my 20 week scan so I'm very worried and may be being irrational but I just cannot see why she's gone mad about it.

ChunkyMonkeysMum Sun 04-Oct-09 18:03:17

YANBU to ask her to put DS to bed at a set time if it is part of his regular routine.

Happy Birthday BTW !!!

Was it you who's SIL had organised her engagement party the same day ?? If so, I take it you didn't go in the end ? grin

ChunkyMonkeysMum Sun 04-Oct-09 18:06:41

Just looked up that thread & realised that they eventually changed the date of their party.

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied Sun 04-Oct-09 18:08:09

Yes, it's that SIL grin families, eh?!

She had it the night before in the end so I went and bought her a really nice gift so she's feeling very sorry at the moment and keeps txting/phoning me being lovely smile It wasn't a bad night, I thought, but DP didn't like it and wanted to go home after a couple of hours! Who'd have thought it.

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied Sun 04-Oct-09 18:08:40

Sorry, I mean DH, can't get used to this married thing grin

MarionCrane Sun 04-Oct-09 18:11:48

YANBU to ask for a set bedtime for DS.
The subsequent text was a bad tactical move though.
Maybe you should have waited until you picked him up and then dropped it into the conversation.

colditz Sun 04-Oct-09 18:13:32

i think your sister actually has a point. A late bedtime isn't injurous, and if you want everything done exactly how you would do it, you have to do it.

ChunkyMonkeysMum Sun 04-Oct-09 18:13:45

I do think your Mum has gone a little bit overboard, but having said that, Mums like to think they know best as they have "been there and done that" but if she's anything like my Mum, she'll sulk for a bit, then it'll all be forgotten.

I'm glad you had a reasonable evening on Friday. Still don't think I'd have gone at all though after the total disregard for your feelings originally.

ChunkyMonkeysMum Sun 04-Oct-09 18:16:05

colditz - I can see what you're saying, but I would actually feel that my Mum was probably the one person I could rely on to put my kids to bed at set bed times if it really buggered up their routine. Maybe thats how the OP feels ?

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied Sun 04-Oct-09 18:21:23

Definately. She makes such a big issue if MIL disregards anything I say, I thought she would always try to do things how I prefer them done. Which is why I didn't bombard her with a million and one instructions about bath and food and drinks and that sort of thing, just one simple bedtime- which is in his best interest. I get that she didn't do as she didn't realise the time but I don't get why she's kicked up such a stink when I've just said it's important that he goes to bed at the right time. I haven't shouted about him NOT going that time, just that it's best he does IYSWIM.

He won't be staying out again anyway as it's too much hassel, but I'm just really stunned at how big a deal she's made.

Now she's giving it all 'I can't do anything right, you're so ungrateful, you never say thanks'. DH actually heard me say 'thanks for having him we really appreciate it' twice.

And like I said, now she's not speaking to me.

Bearing in mind if she has sister's kids over night which is very often, she makes sure they are in bed at the exact time they have to be. And I mean to the minute.

Ivykaty44 Sun 04-Oct-09 18:23:46


You want everyone to jump to your tune and your mum hasn't done that so you sent a shirty text - well they aren't putting up with it.

So your lo slept for 2 and a half hours -big deal that he had a late night.

To be so ridged in a routine may be fine for you - but don't expect everyone else to be so ridged.

Go and say sorry to your mum and thank her for having your lo

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied Sun 04-Oct-09 18:26:38

How do I want everyone to jump to my tune? I think that's a big assumption.

Undercovamutha Sun 04-Oct-09 18:28:26

YANBU to be very annoyed - but sometimes I think you have to bite your tongue. My Mum and Dad are always REALLY late getting DD and DS to bed on the rare occasions they babysit. Once when we went to a wedding overnight (which I was really worried about anyway cos it was the first time I had ever left DS - 4mo at time), they got them both into bed at 9.30pm shock!!!!! I had to really bite my tongue. What really annoys me, is that whenever I say ANYTHING about DCs routines to my mum, she just replies by saying something along the lines of 'you need to chill out a bit' angry. She's probably right to a certain extent but it doesn't half piss me off, so I know exactly how you feel.

Ivykaty44 Sun 04-Oct-09 18:34:30

How can that be a big assumption when you want your mum to do excactly what you say - that is the same as wanting them to jump to your tune and if they dont you send shirty text messages.

You cant actually see what you are doing - otherwise you wouldn't ask sad

Take a long hard look at what your mum has done for you, then look at how you have behaved. The words thank you dont add up to much after your paddy - actions speak volumes.

If you dont trust your mum to look after your dc then dont have her look after the dc ever - end of problem and get someone else to do it.

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied Sun 04-Oct-09 18:36:38

Paddy being saying that it is important he goes to bed on tome otherwise he doesn't sleep?

I didn;t give her a list of things to do FFS, I just asked for him to be in bed between 6-7pm. It's not like she has him every night.

skidoodle Sun 04-Oct-09 18:46:10

I think the point in this case is that being rigid in his routine is what is fine for the child, and even know this his grandmother put him to bed an hour and a half after his bedtime.

The fact that the child was roaring crying and wouldn't take his milk is a pretty good indication that the grandmother in this case fucked up and didn't put his needs first as she should have when she was looking after him.

OP I can see why you were annoyed and also why you sent the text. I also think you're right not to bother having her babysit him again if she can't even follow simple instructions that will make your child comfortable in unfamiliar surroundings.

Some toddlers may be very adaptable, but I know mine isn't and I don't think I've ever met one that was. If bedtime is his thing that he likes to keep the same, then only people who can respect that can be let look after him.

Jamieandhismagictorch Sun 04-Oct-09 18:51:31

Totally YANBU to want DS to bed at a time which will suit him and make life easier for whoever has to put him to bed.

BUT, I agree that to text her your annoyance was bad manners and you should have waited to talk to her.

She does a lot for you from what you say. It strikes me as really unfortunate that you have to rely on "toxic" parents for your childcare.

diddl Sun 04-Oct-09 18:57:17

How far away are your parents?
I don´t understand why you didn´t take him & put him to bed, TBH.

People are doing a lot for you, and you don´t sound as if you appreciate it.

Pyrocanthus Sun 04-Oct-09 18:58:49

Family politics can be so hard, but at least you have a baby who does this: 'He's 17 months and when he's ready for bed he gets his PJs, nappy and wipes, asks for a cup of 'milk' and says 'bobos'.

How cool is that?

skidoodle Sun 04-Oct-09 18:59:27

I don't even see what was so bad about what you wrote in the text.

Babysitting your child and then ringing you up at the time you are due to be going out to ask you what to do because he is crying is shite, especially when the reason he is crying is because she couldn't be arsed to put him to bed at the time you had indicated would avoid a crying jag.

Agree with Jamie, you should probably arrange alternative childcare. I would not want someone I had a poor relationship with looking after my child.

bangandthedirtisgone Sun 04-Oct-09 18:59:44

We don't have any family local to us and have to pay a c/m when we work so I'm afraid all I'm seeing when I read the OP is how you got to leave your baby son overnight with someone else so you could have a good time on your birthday.

It also sounds like she had a reason for putting him to bed late - she was seeing her sister, you obviously don't think that was important. She obviously did.

I think your text was the height of bad manners. Why couldn't you wait til the morning and speak to her about it then?

bergentulip Sun 04-Oct-09 18:59:56

Text was silly and childish really. Did not help the situation, why did you actually send it?

If they let your DS stay up and subsequently had to be up in the night with him, their fault. You had already mentioned how to do bedtime routine to get the best night's sleep out of your DS.... so if they cock that up, noone to blame but themselves.

Your text would have rubbed salt in the wound and not helped in the slightest. One night of bad sleep would not harm your DS ( I assume) but it would certainly teach your parents what happens if they don't listen to your advice on how best to look after their grandchild.

I think I'd be a bit off with your for a few days too tbh

ChunkyMonkeysMum Sun 04-Oct-09 19:06:47

'I really appreciate you having him for us but when he stays at yours or [DH's mums's] it's really important you stick to our routine as it really works for him.'

I don't believe this is a shirty text as some people are saying. TBH I think it's actually quite a polite way of the OP getting her point across. Being shirty would have been to text saying how annoyed she was at her Mum for not following her instructions etc etc.

If I were you TAUP, I would let it go. However, if your Mum or Dad brings it up in future conversation, make the point again that you appreciate them having DS, but your routine needs to be stuck to to make their lives easier and to avoid the situation they found themselves in when they finally did get round to putting him to bed. Your Mum may actually see your point when she gets down- off her high horse calms down. grin

Jamieandhismagictorch Sun 04-Oct-09 19:10:38

IMO, It was the timing of the text. She's already spoken to her mum, so it was a bit passive-aggressive to then text the negative stuff (and rubbing salt into the wound, as bergentulip says). That's how I'd feel, anyway.

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied Sun 04-Oct-09 19:10:39

'I really appreciate you having him for us but when he stays at yours or [DH's mums's] it's really important you stick to our routine as it really works for him.'

It wasn't meant to be shirty anyway. Just sent it quickly on the way out and didn't expect this explosion afterwards.

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