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AIBU?

To think that to replace DDs mobile stolen & smashed by someone's DC a decent thing to do?

46 replies

valhala · 03/10/2009 23:42

As mentioned in a previous thread my DD2 (12) had her mobile stolen by a boy at school, who handed it to another, who knew that it was stolen. The second boy told the school staff that he then threw the phone to a bunch of other children who smashed it to pieces. This is the latest example of a catalogue of bullying upon DD.

The boy who stole DDs phone and the lad he gave it to have been identified by the school, admitted it and punished - the school says that they were put into the isolation room for the afternoon and that the boys' parents had "issued sanctions".

I would be mortified had my child acted like this and so to me the obvious, proper thing to do would be to offer to replace the phone. The parents (so far at least) haven't. I'm not asking whether I should ask them to do so (though part of me thinks I have every right to, especially as DD relied on that phone as a form of security and means of contacting me because of the bullying) I'm just interested to know what other MN-ers think.

Do you believe as I do that if it was my child who was responsible then offering to replace the phone would be the right thing to do, or would you say that the DC had been punished and that's enough?

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mamas12 · 03/10/2009 23:46

I would be like you valhala Mortified and difintely offer to pay for a replacement, making sure that the money was coming from dc in some form or another.
Are you in a position to ask the school if this is indeed what the parents are going to do.

TheBatterflyEffect · 03/10/2009 23:47

This reply has been deleted

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seeker · 03/10/2009 23:47

I would ask them. It's outrageous that they haven't offered already, IMO.

TheBatterflyEffect · 03/10/2009 23:48

This reply has been deleted

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kitkatqueen · 03/10/2009 23:49

I think they should replace the phone. My daughters school has a "respect for property" policy. I think you will have difficulty getting it replaced just because its a phone, but lets face it, if they nicked her coat or shoes and trashed them they would have to cough up. Speak to the head. good luck. Have not seen other thread re bullying, hope it all gets sorted.

nannyL · 03/10/2009 23:49

YANBU... a replacement or £ for replacement should be offered.

Hando · 03/10/2009 23:50

But the boy that "stole" it didn't break it did he? he was very wrong for taking it, and I agree he should be punished and that the two boys were bulling your daughter, but he handed it to boy2 (piggy in the middle style to wind your dd up no doubt) it was boy2 who threw it to the other children who then broke it.

So no, I do not think that boy1 should have to pay for a new phone, but I do think he should apologise to your dd as well as having his punishment.

Also, I would advise dd to keep her phone away at school and not have it out.

Hando · 03/10/2009 23:51

I also do not think that you should approach any childs parents about this, unless you know them already. If you want to meet with them then you should speak to the head at your dd's school and arrange a meeting through the school.

kitkatqueen · 03/10/2009 23:52

hando, surely the boys who actually broke it should cough up?

Stayingsunnygirl · 03/10/2009 23:54

IMO the boy who took Valhala's dd's phone is responsible for what happened to it subsequently. Were it my child who had done this, I would be offering to buy a new phone, and my dc would be paying it off from pocket money.

valhala · 03/10/2009 23:55

In reality I could go down the legal route of a letter to the parents saying what I expected, why and by what date, and follow up in the small claims court if necessary. That said, I'd feel a bit draconian and have already enough damn letters and legal stuff to sort in order to get the bloody useless school to address the bullying and implement the support and possible SEN tests offered months ago, so I am inclined to say that I can do without the extra hassle.

But... it annoys me, it really does, just on the basis of decency and manners. After all, if I came to your party and spilt red wine on your cream sofa I would offer to pay for the sofa to be cleaned... its just the way I was brought up and common courtesy as I see it.

I'm cross, saddened and in a way disgusted that others don't have what I'd consider to be basic manners.

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valhala · 03/10/2009 23:57

Btw, DD didn't have the phone out on show, it was in her bag/had fallen out of her bag, depending on which version of the boys' stories you believe!

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Hando · 03/10/2009 23:58

But they do not know who actually broke it stayingsunny, it was just said "the crowd" broke it into bits.

Plus perhaps the parents of these boys are totally mortified with what happened but cannot afford to buy your dd a new phone and are too embarassed by their sons behaviour to approach you. Awful kids don't always come from awful parents.

Stayingsunnygirl · 03/10/2009 23:59

I don't blame you at all, Valhala. I would approach the parents of the boys concerned, and ask them to pay for the new phone - you choose it, they pay for it.

Hando · 03/10/2009 23:59

Valhala. If I were you I would seriously consider moving your dd to a new school for a fresh start. Crap I know, but would solve the problem.

kitkatqueen · 04/10/2009 00:01

hmmm if boy takes mobile and throws it onto train track then train trashes phone, but is still boys fault??? losing the plot - going to bed, night all

valhala · 04/10/2009 00:02

But Hando, what if I couldn't afford to replace the phone? And even if I couldn't do so for my DC, who had had hers stolen, I would go to great lengths to replace someone else's if she had stolen it from them.

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valhala · 04/10/2009 00:07

Lol Kitkatqueen!

Hando, moving schools is not an option as the only other accessible is in another town elsewhere, inaccessible to me if there was a problem/DD hurt etc and far worse still than DDs. I knew DDs from past experience and it is considered by the vast majority to be highly desirable, is over subscribed and has a great Ofsted. DD1 went to the current school 3 years ago, all was well, we moved away for 2 years and then returned to this town where DD1 returned to the school and DD2 joined her in Y7 on foot of an appeal for the reasons above, if that makes sense.

In short I m stuffed and stuck with the damn school unless I move, and determined that they should do as well and as much for DD2 as they do for others!

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groundhogs · 04/10/2009 00:35

Hope to God that those parents grow a bloody conscience and replace that phone.. Can you go ahead and replace it and bill the school for them to pass it on to the children/their parents?

hanaboo · 04/10/2009 00:43

the boy who took it should learn the lesson that if u take someone elses property then its his responsibility... he shouldn't have touched her phone.
he should be responsible and i would definitely approach his parents or ask the school to do so on your behalf

Hando · 04/10/2009 01:06

Valhala, seriously - there is only one secondary school in your town?

I think by secondary age you don;t have to be nearby the school necessarily. Of cours eyou want to be now as she is being bullied but at the new school that isn't the case (hopefully).

You shouldn't have to move, the school are failing your dd by not doing more to stop this. But even if the bullying stops, if it is a widescale thing accross lots of the year group then she will still probably find it hard to make any friends.

Of course I do not know the situation in full but why don't you give your dd the option of moving schools and explain it will mean her travelling on the bus/train to get there. I used to travel by train to school and it was worth it!

BloodshotEyeballs · 04/10/2009 01:26

Agree the boy who took it in the first place should replace it. If he hadn't taken what wasn't his, it wouldn't have got broken. What happened to it is his responsibility so I would definitely be expecting a replacement of similar value.

valhala · 04/10/2009 01:26

There is only one school in my town Hando. I'm car-less and without support for miles and to go to the only other school within reasonable distance (which is being monitored for behavioural/discipline reason anyway) is only accessible to me by the hourly bus.

Aside from that and a million other reasons, DD1 (14) is at the local school and DD2 would be very unhappy at not having her Sister with her - yet DD1, understandably as she doesn't have the issues which DD2 has, doesn't want to move schools.

The school have SEN concerns (re ability to integrate and behave in a "normal" way with her peers) about DD2 though she's quite bright academically. Certainly she is immature and her behaviour is poor, something which comes to the fore at home and at school as soon as she is under threat/feels insecure because of the bullying. IMHO the school don't address the bullying, she gets scared and angry that she is not helped and gets nasty back and they blame her (and me!)... but you try telling th school that!

The school have mooted Autism Spectrum as a possible cause, suggested tests in February and yet have done sweet FA and are being entirely unresponsive to my questions about what they intend to do/when/what they have done/when they are going to put in the support they have offered. Hence I have a formal complaint written which I atarted last week but which I keep adjusting as issues occur and I MUST get into the Head's office on Monday.

Its very elaborate and complex, but the other school really is out of the question. The nearest alternatives in the county are terribly bad and an hours bus ride from my home (on the hourly bus).

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diddl · 04/10/2009 09:45

It´s a risk you take when your child takes such items into school.

tinkerbellesmuse · 04/10/2009 09:52

Diddl Obviously there is a risk that such an item might be lost/broken/stolen but even so shouldn't the person responsible pay for a replacement?

I know there is a risk that everytime I go out in my car someone will drive into me. Doesn't mean tey shouldn't cough up when they do.

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