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to never speak to my mum again over this Xmas row!

(63 Posts)
Ingles2 Fri 02-Oct-09 18:37:19

This'll probably be long... sorry.....
We usually host Christmas at our house, we haven't got a big family and we have the only children. It's usually my parents, my Pil, my single Sil and us, so 7 adults 2 dcs. It's not easy, my dad can be a pain in the backside and we usually have some sort of row, my Pil's are very elderly and quite honestly it's hard work and expensive.
We've done this for the last 9 years!
This year has been bloody awful,... our business is seriously suffering in the recession, we've got money worries galore. We've had no holiday or time off with the boys. I worked all through the sumer holidays and didn't spend any quality time with them at all. On top of that Pil's aren't in the best of health. They moved to be near us a few years ago and there is no other family locally so they come to us every sunday.
I seriously cannot cope with a big Christmas this year, I haven't got the time, the money or the inclination to do it. I just want to sit down with my children and dh to enjoy it for once without cooking, cleaning and running round like a blue arsed fly.
Also, 2 weeks before Christmas is my Pil's 60th wedding anniversary which has been in the planning for 18months (by Mil)
I've also had to give loads of time and attention to this as since it was first organised Mil has had a couple of strokes and Fil has cancer.
If we get to this anniversary with them in one piece it will be a miracle.
My mum is lovely, she adores her grandchildren and doesn't see them as often as she would like as she lives about 3 hours away. I knew she wouldn't be happy about Christmas but when I told her a couple of days ago she said she understood...
So today I get in, message from mum.... I want to talk to you about Christmas or rather the lack of...
I phone her to get an absolute tirade of abuse, I'm so mean, so selfish, how could I deprive her of the highlight of the year, she hasn't been able to sleep because of it, I must have blackmailed the dc's to agree to this...
I said, I understood she was upset, but I've done Xmas for 9 years now and I'd like a year off to enjoy my children before they hit teenagedom!
It descended into a huge blazing row, she used everything she could think of,.. including how could I do this to the Pil's....well not being funny, they have 2 children other than DH, one of them could have them. They come to us every week!
I am soooo angry and so upset.. she has mad me feel like a guilty piece of shit!
There's no way on earth I'm hosting Christmas now...
and in all honesty I can't be bothered to speak to her either.

Sparkletastic Fri 02-Oct-09 18:42:15

YANBU. Leave her to stew for a while and wait for her to get in contact again when she calms down. Stick to your guns ref Christmas unless you want to suggest to your mum that she host it? If you'd rather be just the four of you though then that is completely reasonable and you should not need to defend your position.

kittywise Fri 02-Oct-09 18:42:53

No you're not, you poor thing, stick to your guns lady!!

FabBakerGirlIsSURVIVED Fri 02-Oct-09 18:43:47

YABU to never talk to her again over this but I totally understand your position. You are knackered. Up to now, have you enjoyed hosting Christmas?

I think you need to let the dust settle but don't leave it too long. You only get one mum...

Hope your PIL are in better health soon.

Sourdough Fri 02-Oct-09 18:44:12

Mothers. They always manage to get to you.

bradsmissus Fri 02-Oct-09 18:45:42

I think you know YANBU. You sound as though you really need this time with your DH and DCs.

Parents, expecially retired ones, sometimes seem to forget how hard it is juggling career, houe stuff and DCs.

Maybe she will calm down. Could you write what you have put in your post to her?

It's like a custom and practice clause in a contract isn't it! You've done it for 9 years so you can't stop now!!! And isn't it annoying when there are sibblings and yet you still do the lions share?!

Hope it works out. I would tell you not to feel guilty for wanting to spend time with your own DH & DCs but i know guilt is not something easily ignored!!

Feenie Fri 02-Oct-09 18:46:39

Mine does too! You have my sympathies.
Have promised myself I will NEVER to this to my ds.

Podrick Fri 02-Oct-09 18:47:04

Can you host Christmas lite? It might be the last chance for PIL to enjoy a family christmas?

mazzystartled Fri 02-Oct-09 18:48:06

She may be being unreasonable but she's very hurt, and was obviously looking forward to it. Don't let it cause a rift, it's not worth it.

I'm sorry that you have had such a tough time lately.

Is there any ways that you could share the costs and the work of Christmas with your family to make it possible/bearable/enjoyable?

Chickenshavenolips Fri 02-Oct-09 18:50:27

YANBU. Why does everyone have to come to you? Why doesn't your mother invite you to hers?

FabBakerGirlIsSURVIVED Fri 02-Oct-09 18:50:55

Actually Podrick as a point sad.

Parmageddon Fri 02-Oct-09 18:53:10

No, but your Mum is being completely unreasonable though! She is probably very disappointed as she enjoys your Christmases, so I suppose this is a compliment to all your past efforts, but surely she can understand the amount of work involved and the expense of it? When you lived with her, did she host Christmas for all the family? Perhaps she feels she always did it, so why can't you? Your Mum does sound a bit like mine!

defineme Fri 02-Oct-09 18:53:57

You're at your wits end and you need a break. Why on earth have the pil not been anywhere else for 9 years? Let your mum cool down and then say please come on boxing day or whatever - take it or leave it.
It's just one day, but with all the other stuff you have going on it seems like you're taken advantage of a bit so you may as well take a stand on this one.
A lot of people on here may flame you, buty I am also willing to bet that they go to their parents for sunday lunch sometimes or someone else makes their xmas dinner.
Why doesn't single sil entertain everone for example?

wannaBe Fri 02-Oct-09 18:54:08

no yanbu.

And sorry but I don't get why someone would be hurt over what is essentially a glorified roast dinner. Christmas is just one day of the year, and to be quite frank I think that people who get all hurt and upset over people not spending it with them/not inviting them/spending it with someone else need to get a grip.

Bathsheba Fri 02-Oct-09 18:54:35

TBH I think I would host it again - esp as your PIL are in failing health...however I'd do a lot less work and either have it catered by M&S or get everyone to bring SOMETHING (even if its just after dinner mints for your PIL if they are very ill)

Pick your battles, and I suspect it would be better not to have this battle and keep the status quo

lavenderkate Fri 02-Oct-09 18:56:55

Again I say, the 3 year rule.
Once for you
once for inlaws
once for parents.

Takes a bit of standing firm but it can be done smile

Hassled Fri 02-Oct-09 19:01:06

You need to stick to your gins - she's wrong and you're right. You need a break - and I speak as one of those who constantly host Christmas for the extended family. It does feel relentless and sooner or later I will shun the lot of them.

But keep it in perspective - don't make silly threats re never speaking to her again. You only get one mother - don't blow it, and don't read more into this than there is. She's probably regretting her reaction already - we've all said stupid, thoughtless things.

Jux Fri 02-Oct-09 19:02:29

You've got to have your own Xmas sometime and this year you've got plenty of reason. Go for it; mums tend to forgive (eventually).wink

beaniesinthebucketagain Fri 02-Oct-09 19:05:36

lavenderkate, thats so simple, its genius, i will remember that!!!

lavenderkate Fri 02-Oct-09 19:10:40

Beanies. It didnt go down well when first implemented as you can imagine but works very well as noone makes unreasonable demands on us now grin

oh and that christmas at home? Pure luxury wink

acebaby Fri 02-Oct-09 19:10:41

poor you - of course YANBU. I would let her simmer for a little while rather than never speak to her again though.

Hassled "You need to stick to your gins" - best advice I've read on mn for while smile

BonjourIvresse Fri 02-Oct-09 19:13:34

that generation don't have enough to worry about, especially once they retire! Stick to your guns, what's her rreason for not hosting Christmas herself btw?

Waswondering Fri 02-Oct-09 19:18:26

On the theme of Christmas lite - how about hosting a little candle-lit lunch dinner party for everyone on Christmas Eve (hmm - if that wouldn't mean them staying over). Dc open gps presents, have a suitable but easy one pot festive style casserole that everyone will like, wish them a happy Christmas as they leave and then close the door to enjoy the day yourselves? Play the card that it's different and that's the European way??

(YANBU by the way - how is your dad? Could you have a quiet word with him and in turn he speak to her - I've found that if mum and I ever fall out (rare) - we're both similar so it exacerbates the whole thing. Dad is very soothing to make us both see sense! smile

all the best, by the way!

LilianGish Fri 02-Oct-09 19:21:29

Don't fall out with your mum. YANBU to not want to host Christmas, YABU if you fall out with your mum over it. Without wishing to sound heartless, it sounds like it could be the last Christmas with PIL. Totally sympathise re lack of input from their other children - I've had Christmas with my MIL every year since I got married (ten years ago) either at ours or at my parents (couldn't think of leaving her out) - she was invited by dh's brother last year, but only on the condition that we went too (so we didn't get a year off iyswim). Haven't made any formal arrangements yet for this year - but I'm sure bil will consider he's done his turn and is off the hook for the next ten years! The question is this - will you really be able to enjoy your family Christmas if it means you fall out with the rest of the family? I'd also ask myself what would the children really like? I find it a bit of an obligation to have to invite mil every year, but the children love having nanna there and I think they'd be pretty upset if she wasn't invited. Couldn't you just scale down and get your parents to lend a hand or chip in?

PfftTheMagicDragon Fri 02-Oct-09 19:27:26

You are certainly not being unreasonable about Christmas.

With regard to your mother, she knows what to say to hurt you and in the heat of the moment, she did. I would let her calm down, give it a few days BUT when that has happened I would be expecting an apology. You deserve one.

Everyone has a blowout sometimes and your relationship with her means that if she says sorry then you should forgive her and get on with it, it happens sometimes. But when the dust has settled she should try and make amends.

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