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In thinking that these were not normal parental decisions.

(55 Posts)
TheMitsubishiWarrioress Wed 30-Sep-09 15:12:49

In brief, I am going through some personal difficulties, and am starting counselling tomorrow.

Seem to be losing my perspective on things but am troubled by these incidents from my younger years.

12 yrs old and my parents have some building work done by a builder known by my parents. His father came along and announced early on that I was 'special' and long after the work was done, visited us to bring me treats and presents. One day I was told he would like to take me to London to see a musical, stay in a hotel and go on a shopping trip.

I was excited and for some reason remember hoping we could go to woolworths so I could have a brand new set of pencil crayons.

The night before, my brother told me he was camping that weekend in the garden, and I thought this sounded like more fun, said I didn't want to go, and the trip was cancelled. I never saw the man again.

I was admittedly very naive. At about 17 I met a lad on the bus who asked me out. We had a date and at the end of it deciced I didn't want to see him again.

Later that evening, my Dad went to get some wood for the fire and found him in the woodshed. It transpired that the lad had a criminal record and was apparently trying to go 'straight' so my Dad invited him to live with us, which he did for 5/6 weeks. He assumed this meant we were an 'item' and pursued me with that thought, on one occassion threatening to rape me when I wouldn't sleep with him, although he didn't carry it outt. He used to sit outside the bathroom scratching on the door when I had a bath (which I started doing daily to escape him).

I subsequently found out his Record included GBH and ABH.

It all feels wrong and now I have DC's of my own I find this memories troubling, but because I am low, they keep popping up.

I was going to change my name but have decided to stick to the one I am known by.

Am I just hyper sensitive or are these bizarre things to do with your DD?

MamaG Wed 30-Sep-09 15:15:32

Definitely bizarre

belgo Wed 30-Sep-09 15:17:35

That is weird. Have you spoken to your parents about these things?

TheMitsubishiWarrioress Wed 30-Sep-09 15:20:02

No I haven't belgo. My Dad is difficult to communicate with and my Mum hated both the events and swept such things under the carpet to forget about them.

I am going to fetch my DC'c now..

Callisto Wed 30-Sep-09 15:53:31

Sounds like you had lucky escapes both times. Very strange indeed.

BrokenBananaTantrum Wed 30-Sep-09 16:10:17

These are very odd things but with the first one it is possible that it was all innocent. Could he have always wanted a daughter? Was he a close friend of you parents?

The second thing is unacceptable in my opinion. If it happened in our house my dad would probably of given the lad a good hiding for being in the shed but thats just my opinion. Don't know what others will think........

TheMitsubishiWarrioress Wed 30-Sep-09 16:16:11

No, he had a daughter much older than me, and no, he wasn't a family friend. We only met him because he came along with his son to help with the building work. From what I remember the man was in his early fifties.

TheMightyToosh Wed 30-Sep-09 16:20:07

Very odd and agree with Callisto that it sounds like you had a lucky escape both times.

I suppose there was more naivety (sp??) when we were younger about such things, but that does sound very liberal of your parents and dangerous and unsettling for you.

Hopefully the counselling will help you let go of it all.

BrieVanDerKamp Wed 30-Sep-09 16:21:35

It does sound a little odd just reading it like that. But as already said the first could be totally innocent, and if your parents were good friends.

The second.....well did your parents know that he was persuing you and sitting outside bathroom etc, cos I suppose if they didn't know they may just have though they were trying to help out a lad that was a bit down on his luck or something!!?? Don't really know. That said though, I have 2 girls (12 and 13) and I would not have a boy/man stay in our home with any of my children if I didn't know everything about the person and had known them a very long time.

TheMitsubishiWarrioress Wed 30-Sep-09 16:22:34

I suppose they are the tip of a moderately sized ice-berg of events from my younger life that have come bubbling to the surface because I am not on top form. And trying to understand why I have been in a bit of a mess.

TheMitsubishiWarrioress Wed 30-Sep-09 16:25:50

Dad knew the lad had a criminal record and said he was trying to prove to himself that he was capable of 'humanity'.

But then he would freak at me if he thought the lad had been anywhere near my bedroom.

I only went on the one date with him initially and didn't expect to have him as a house guest.

I just wouldn't do either.

mathanxiety Wed 30-Sep-09 16:37:51

It sounds to me as if your parents thought the walls of your house didn't exist -- people known and unknown to them were allowed into the house to deal directly with their child (you), while still a minor, in a 'relationship' sort of way, or with 'relationship' connotations. The older man thing was creepy and I can't imagine what they thought was going on. With the woodshed boy, did they know it bothered you so much to have him living under your roof? Your parents were doormats at best, and afraid to set boundaries. At worst, they were willing to acquiesce in the sexual abuse or exploitation of their own daughter. The 'porous walls', the lack of boundaries or common sense is troubling.

I think if my dad had ever found a teenage boy hiding in the woodshed he would have set the dog on him. My dad worked with builders and painters and none of them ever set foot in our house because he knew how they conducted their personal lives, and he was no fool.

Wishing you all that is best as you try to get a grip on all of this.

TheMitsubishiWarrioress Wed 30-Sep-09 16:44:49

My Dad took no notice of the fact that I had actually told this lad I didn't want to see him again and said it amused him that I was a 'Gangster's Moll'

I wasn't massively confident, especially expressing my opinion to my Dad, and remember quietly aquiescing to the situation. On one ocassion I said something to this lad that he didn't like and he said..''if a bloke had said that to me I would have punched him''

My mum just went tight lipped and my Father did nothing...I hope it found the humanity that he wanted to prove to himself.

The lad left abruptly and the only time he called me I discovered he was in prison.

hullygully Wed 30-Sep-09 16:46:40

Definitely indisputably weird. Hope the counselling helps you sort it out.

BrokenBananaTantrum Wed 30-Sep-09 16:47:07

This is something that you should tackle with your counsellor as it has had a lasting impact on your life. It all sounds strange to me now that you have clarified the situation about the first older man.

Did you feel that your parents cared for you well in general or are there some other issues surrounding them as well?

Hopefully your counsellor will be able to help.

TheMitsubishiWarrioress Wed 30-Sep-09 16:53:43

Other issues BBT sad. Too much for on here really and I am determined to go through with the counselling and sort myself out but the thought of dredging things up is choking me.

But if I don't the whole thing will just always be there. Sometimes I am not sure if my judgement of things is warped and these things are getting out of proportion in my head or my upbringing really was as 'unconventional' as it seems.

TheMitsubishiWarrioress Wed 30-Sep-09 17:04:14

Thanks to those who have posted. Helps as much to put words to the thoughts IYSWIM. And to get a sense of what others think.

ConFuschias Wed 30-Sep-09 17:15:59

Definitely raise with your counsellor. I agree that it sounds like you had a lucky escape both times, but it is awful you were either put, or potentially put, in those situations by your parents.

mathanxiety Wed 30-Sep-09 17:26:27

When you do counseling, don't hold things back. If something is bothering you, out with it. It's bothering you, coming back in your thoughts, for a reason.

elmofan Wed 30-Sep-09 17:30:28

i agree with callisto - it sounds like you had a very lucky escape , parents are supposed to protect their children not put them in potentially dangerous positions
yadnbu - i really hope the counselling helps you , make a list of all the things you want to talk about before you go x

TheMitsubishiWarrioress Wed 30-Sep-09 17:31:14

actually mathan...that is a really good way to look at things and to get started....thanks.

BrokenBananaTantrum Wed 30-Sep-09 18:11:28

IME counselling is brilliant. Have had 3 separate(sp) lots of counselling in my life and elmos advice is good as you can forget stuff when you are there if things get a bit emotional.

I would also suggest that after your counslling sessions you try to put aside about an hour so that you have time to absorb what has been said in the session. I found this really helped but i know it might not be possible for you but try if you can

good luck tomorrow and if you feel up to it let us know how you got on.

MayorNaze Wed 30-Sep-09 18:18:27

hey lovey

i have to say that this does sound rather odd.

but am glad to hear that you are doing the counselling thing, i think that is absolutely the right sort of action to be taking and really hope it helps you

really just wanted to post to let you know i have seen this and to offer a {{{{}}}} if you need one.

chegirl Wed 30-Sep-09 18:26:55

Mitsubishi I dont want to hijack your thread but I wanted to let you know that my parents made similar decisions.

They often used to invite 'strays' into the house, they were nearly always teenage boys. We had no locks on our doors and I spent many years getting changed very quickly to avoid them bursting in on me.

If I split with a boyfriend they would be invited round as friends of my parents and this would very awkward and I would often be pestered by these boys.

I would often come out of the bathroom to find some teenage boy (all of the boys were much older than me) in the house as my parents had an open door policy. In short I had no privacy and felt vunerable although I didnt understand why.
My private life would be common knowledge amoung the young people who came to my home including when I got my first bra and if I came downstairs my outfit/appearance would be commented/critiqued by a group of older teenagers.

It has left me defensive of my privacy, very sensitive about my appearence and almost unable to have visitors to my home.

I think my parents did it because they liked the idea of helping youngsters. The liked being looked up to by all those kids. I dont think they had any sinister reasons. It just didnt cross their minds what kind of affect it would have on me.

There! Just hijacked your thread blush. Wanted to know you were not the only one but I am not sure if that helps or not.

I found your post very interesting. I hope you can get the help and support you need to work this stuff out.

TheMitsubishiWarrioress Wed 30-Sep-09 19:01:58

Thanks Mayor....smile

Not hijacking che, I am sorry you had similar experiences. I don't think Dad was 'sinister' in the sense that he deliberately set out to do things that compromised me or my wellbeing. But he is 'strange' and looking back, I have to say now that I have had children, his judgement was wildly off the mark and he is capable of being very cruel, yet also very loving.

The thought of doing the list scares me.

There is sustained bullying, inappropriate sexual experiences, three road accidents in three years, the break down of my marriage, the unusual behaviour of my Dad. I start to think it is just me and somehow I don't quite fit in with life.

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