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For wanting greater access to my kids?

(197 Posts)
VoluptuousCow Wed 30-Sep-09 12:28:57

Afternoon folks smile. This is my first post so go easy on me!

About a year ago my husband and I divorced, mainly because I was involved with someone else. My partner and I moved in together and, through an amicable, out of court agreement we decided that my ex husband should be the primary carer of the kids. Currently, I have my children every second week.

I feel that I'm missing out on so much of their childhood and would like greater access, hopefully with the intention of having the children every weekend, as oppose to every second week. Unfortunately my ex is digging his heels in and still to this day lambasts me, over what is essentially the past. I can't help but feel that he's using the children as both a pawn and an instrument to simultaneously beat me with. In a nutshell, he's being a fecking arse and is selfish to boot.
I've tried discussing this in a civil manner with him, but he's resolutely refuses to give me greater access to the kids. Now I feel as though the only option left to me is to apply for access through the courts. I had hoped it wouldn't come to this though. sad

stickylittlefingers Wed 30-Sep-09 12:31:38

do I understand right - do you have every other weekend when you say every second week, or is it just M-F in every second week (i.e. do you have alternate weekends (which seems fair enough imo) or do the dc stay with your XH every weekend?)

overmydeadbody Wed 30-Sep-09 12:32:14

How old are your children?

And, what reasons is your ex giving for why he refuses to give you greater access? It in in the children's interests that he is refusing?

How ar away do you live from them? Could you have them some weekdays?

It's not fair to try and have them every weekend, basically denying their resident parent from having any weekend time with them, so he does all the hard stuff and you get the fun weekends?

colditz Wed 30-Sep-09 12:34:50

YOu can apply for access through the courts - I don't think once every two weeks is enough for any good parent, tbh. But I would be prepared to accept some weekday visits, or their dad (who has been their main carer) will be baring the brunt of the donkey work with no nice relaxing weekends with them.

SoupDragon Wed 30-Sep-09 12:36:40

So, you are suggesting that your XH doesn't get to have the children at the weekend? Do you really think that is fair? As others have said, you need to go for some weekday access instead.

TheBalladofGayTony Wed 30-Sep-09 12:37:05

so you have had your year of shagging with new partner and now decide you would like to see more of your kids. your ex is quite rightly pissed off. so while i think it is sad you are missing your kids i can't believe this didn't occur to you a year ago.

yabu

Lilyloo Wed 30-Sep-09 12:39:59

(tip don't put your first post in ami i being unreasonable wink)

As others have said r/e having every weekend. Obviously your ex is still hurting fromy uo leaving him and the kids to set up home with someone else. A year isn't a very long time to come to terms with this.

Is it possible to have them during the week at all ?

LovestheChaos Wed 30-Sep-09 12:43:59

I don't blame your ex. Obviously you can't be trusted to put your kids first and neither can your new partner. I think you proved that by having an affair. I wouldn't feel comfortable with you having the kids any more than you do. Sorry.

troutpout Wed 30-Sep-09 12:44:42

Don't think it's fair for him to miss out on all weekends so yabu in that sense (weekdays are the hard graft i should think anyway..he needs weekends too)....but i think it would be reasonable for him to negotiate some weekday access.
He might be more open to that option anyway

LynetteScavo Wed 30-Sep-09 12:46:38

This is VolumptuousCow's first post.

She's askig for advice and support.

Go easy folks.

Eyeballls Wed 30-Sep-09 12:48:21

Yes definitely don't put your first post in AIBU as this lot would beat you to death. I think the OP is asking about access issues, I don't think she wanted a critique of her life up to this point hmm

BonsoirAnna Wed 30-Sep-09 12:51:56

If your exH is restricting your access to the children as a way of punishing you for your misdemeanours, that is totally out of order (and unlawful).

You should find a good family solicitor who can "bargain in the shadow of the law" and obtain better residency rights for you on the basis that you would automatically receive them were you to go to court.

ginnny Wed 30-Sep-09 12:51:56

Do you have them for the whole week, every other week? Does this include a weekend?
I don't think you'll get a lot of sympathy on here VC, not just because you had an affair, but the fact that you have taken a year to decide you want to see them more- presumably the honeymoon period is over and you want to be Mum again. Your ExH has been primary carer for a year and has probably got into a manageable routine by now, and they are probably only just getting over their mother leaving them and now you want to shake it up again because it suits you.
If I were your ex I'd probably act the same.

Eyeballls Wed 30-Sep-09 12:51:59

x post Lynette

persephonesnape Wed 30-Sep-09 12:52:58

i think you are being unreasonable. Unless your ex treated you abysmally and there was a 'dark' reason for leaving him then, in his eyes, you have left him for someone you prefer and are now trying to take away the children of your relationship. single parenthood is bloody rough and your post does smack of an inability to have foresight over what would happen when you left your ex for new relationship, coupled with wanting the best of both worlds.

I would suggest letting it be known that you are always available for weeknights and emergencies, (and do always be avilable) to encourage him to be able to get out, join a club? go the gym? persue his interests & ultimately move on and potentially meet someone new.

itsmeolord Wed 30-Sep-09 12:55:53

A court would not award you overnight staying contact all weekend, every weekend. It is completely unreasonable to request that as the resident parent has as much of a need to spend quality time with his children as you do.

You haven't said how much time you have every second week.

If, for example you were only having them for a few hours every second week, then yes it would be reasonable to request an increase, children need contact "little and often" to maintain a lasting bond with both parents.

You haven't said how much extra contact you are asking for either so it is impossible to give a fair opinion of whether or not your request is reasonable.

What are your reasons for now wanting to increase your contact time?
Have you tried mediation yet?

Conundrumish Wed 30-Sep-09 12:56:58

I haven't read the other replies, but I can imagine ...

Ok, so let me get this right. You went off with another man, and now, you want your ex husband to do all the day to day grafting with the children (rushing to school, rushing home from school, homework, scrabbling to after school clubs, sleepless nights when they are ill etc etc) so that you can enjoy them at the week-ends while he sits around having lost his wife and family. Mmmmmmmm

LaurieFairyCake Wed 30-Sep-09 13:02:18

Can we have further clarification on how much you see them - is it just every second weekend or do you actually have them alternate weeks currently?

Do you want more weekday access (perfectly reasonable) and weekday overnights?

Obviously your ex will still want them some weekends so he has some relaxing time with them.

ReneRusso Wed 30-Sep-09 13:03:28

Sorry, but YABU. I really hope you can achieve greater access to your kids, but I completely understand why your ex is behaving as he is. It may well be unfair and selfish but he is hurt, he has had to pick up the pieces after your affair, he has been caring almost full time for the children and now you have changed your mind about how much access you want. What do you expect him to do? Just roll over and say sure VC, do whatever suits. What a pity you agreed to the current arrangement in the first place. I think you will need to get legal advice.

VoluptuousCow Wed 30-Sep-09 13:03:29

To answer a few questions - Sorry I should have clarified it better, I have the children on each alternate weekend, so effectively twice a month. I pick the children up on Friday night and they leave on Sunday evening. There are logistical problems with access during the week, in that we live approximately 30 miles apart. My daughter is 9 and my son is almost 11.

My ex is refusing me greater access on the grounds that (a) he has activities he wants to do with the children during the weekends and (b)apparently the children loathe my partner. They've never personally mentioned this to me. My ex is the only person who has disclosed this, so I do wonder at times whether or not this is just a rouse. I'm not surprised that there are slight tensions between my partner and the children, but I would question this so called seething resentment. He (the ex) rather lamely argues that its too tiring for the kids to travel such a distance, on a regular basis.

overmydeadbody Wed 30-Sep-09 13:06:20

So presumably you chose to move 30 miles away from them in the first place?

And now you want them every weekend?hmm

You sound very selfish.

You made your bed, now lie in it.

overmydeadbody Wed 30-Sep-09 13:07:05

If there are logistical problems with access during the week, then move.

SoupDragon Wed 30-Sep-09 13:07:32

It is up to you to sort out those "logistical problems" if you genuinely want more contact with your children.

LovestheChaos Wed 30-Sep-09 13:09:23

Of course they loathe your new partner!! He helped to destroy their childhood, hurt their father, and took you away (in their eyes). I don't like him either.

StayFrosty Wed 30-Sep-09 13:10:21

I don't think his arguments sound lame.

Your children may very well resent your new partner and see him as having taken their mum away. And 30 miles is a fairly long way for children to be ferried about - presumably if you were the one to leave you chose where you now live, so maybe you should think about relocating nearer, or putting yourself out by doing the travelling.

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