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i think i am but i need other opinions

(76 Posts)
addictedtomn Mon 28-Sep-09 21:50:20

a bit of background - dh recently had an affair, weve been working hard to rebuild our relationship but he works with ow and sees her regularly. i've had a couple of messages from her saying i should walk away from him and let him be with the woman he really loves.

so hes been invited on a training course, which would mean a payrise come january, and more responsibility in a field that he wants to specialise in. the course is not mandatory but it is smethig he would like to do. we dont need the payrise and are quite comfortable on current salery plus what i earn when i can get work.

now heres the catch the course is a few weeks - possibly a month, its not close ot home so it will mean he will have to stay away for that time, although he will be home at weekends. the ow is aldso going on the course and will be staying at the same hotel, sharing taxis and eating meals with my dh.

so aibu to say i dont want him to go and if he does i will see this as the end of our relationship? i've told him i'm happy for him to do the next course when it comes up (possibly not for the next 12-18 months) i just dont want him to do it at the same time as the ow.

Issy2008 Mon 28-Sep-09 21:52:10

I think you're being perfectly reasonable. And if you're managing now on his salary then there are no fiancial concerns to take into account. Stick to your guns xx

Sagacious Mon 28-Sep-09 21:53:20

Not a chance in a bleeding million he'd be going

Sod that

CrackWhoretoPaulDacre Mon 28-Sep-09 21:53:53

Not sure what to say about this one. On the one hand, it would be a shame to delay his promotion, and potentially put a block in the way of you getting back to mutual respect and trust. On the other, she sounds apallingly predatory...

What did DH say about the texts?

evaangel2 Mon 28-Sep-09 21:54:24

Hmm has he ended this relationship with the ow? for sure?

StillSquiffy Mon 28-Sep-09 21:54:32


Would be interested to know what your, umm, DH is thinking about, even suggesting it as an idea.

PartOfTheHumphreysGroup Mon 28-Sep-09 21:56:54

I wouldn't be happy for my dh to go in that situation. Is he acting casual about it or keen to go?
Why doesn't he know how long the course is for?

NormaStanleyFletcher Mon 28-Sep-09 21:58:25

TBH - I would insist that your DH finds a different job and doesn't have to work with her any more, let alone the conference!

<<waves insanely at the CrackWHore>>

pregnantpeppa Mon 28-Sep-09 21:58:32

No way to course. Your relationship is just too fragile at the moment to risk it. And OW clearly cannot be trusted not to try and entice your DH away - obviously your DH needs to take the responsibility for that but you need to rebuild the trust before you could feel comfortable about this, if ever. Does he say that he is happy to defer course or is he pushing to go. If the latter I would be VERY suspicious. He should be doing all he can to reassure you.

CrackWhoretoPaulDacre Mon 28-Sep-09 21:59:28

<<waves insanely back at Norma grin>>

addictedtomn Mon 28-Sep-09 22:00:53

he got home today and told me he was taking me out for dinner so i was already a bit hmm

he mentioned that hed been invited as a sort of throw away comment and that she was going, then 30 minutes later bought it up again saying it would be a good opportunity.

he wont go if i say no tho.

Dragonfly73 Mon 28-Sep-09 22:01:26

i think that it is not unreasonable for you to expect him to make a sacrifice to see your marriage and relationship rebuilt given what he has done to damage it.

If he is serious about rebuilding with you it will have occured to him that his major priority has to be finding ways to show you how serious he is about rebuilding with you.

A very good way for him to do that is to recognise that spending the next month in the company on the OW on this course is not appropriate and so not attending.

I would hope that he could see that without you having to make it into an ultimatum but then men are very thick and often need these things spelt out for them usuing very small words and very big writing.

Hang in there. I know how tough it is. It does get better.

CrackWhoretoPaulDacre Mon 28-Sep-09 22:01:38

But what did he say to the texts she sent you?

CrackWhoretoPaulDacre Mon 28-Sep-09 22:02:25

Don't mean to harp on, but I'm curious as to how he sees her now

addictedtomn Mon 28-Sep-09 22:03:19

hes not sure because they havent told him the exact details. its a 2 part course and sometimes they run both parts consecutively

PartOfTheHumphreysGroup Mon 28-Sep-09 22:03:48

So he's casually trying to mention it then. I would be very suspicious. Say no and see if he gets angry and accuses you of not trusting him.

addictedtomn Mon 28-Sep-09 22:06:37

he said the messages were rubbish, she ment nothing to him etc, etc.

but i honestly believe him. he really wsnt thinking about any of it6. he was shocked and scared (i could see it in his eyes) when i found out and he thought i was going to leave him.

so i fully believe that she ment nothing and the messages are crap

AnyFucker Mon 28-Sep-09 22:07:32

no fucking way

are you for real ?

and why are you not answering the reasonable questions on this thread ?

addictedtomn Mon 28-Sep-09 22:07:54

i've said i dont want him to and he said - rather dissapointledy - i thought you'd say that. he's not got angry, just sad.

NormaStanleyFletcher Mon 28-Sep-09 22:08:06

You say the affair is recent. He really should be bending over backwards to regain your trust and rebuild your relationship. Not asking to go away and spend time in a hotel with the OW.

You are under no obligation to say yes to this.

paisleyleaf Mon 28-Sep-09 22:08:32

yanbu, I think he's forfeited his opportunity to go on that course. And fair dos, you said go on the next one.
From the messages you've received, it doesn't sound as though that woman can be trusted at all - she sounds like she's going to make it her business to try and lure your DH into a relationship with her.
He can't expect to go and you be okay about it, and it not be damaging to your relationship.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Sep-09 22:09:51

ah, you did answer, sorry love

however, I don't believe him

honestly, wake up and smell the coffee

the chance for him to go has been dangled in front of you to gauge your reaction

if you had rolled over he would have gone and shagged her brains out, I reckon

as it is, I would be highly dubious that this affair is over

addictedtomn Mon 28-Sep-09 22:10:33

sorry anyfucker i'm not a fast typer

and yes i am for real

AnyFucker Mon 28-Sep-09 22:12:48

paisley, what a naive comment

this woman is "going to try and lure him into a relationship with her....???"

I tend to think men go into affairs by free will, not by being lured by an evil, sexy vixen

PartOfTheHumphreysGroup Mon 28-Sep-09 22:13:34

Agree with anyfucker, he sounds like a complete cliche. Get rid.

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