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For being annoyed at the pussy-footing around DSS's mother?

(22 Posts)
TellAnyone Sat 26-Sep-09 17:57:11

DP and DSS seem terrified of dss's mother. DSS lives with us and reluctantly see's his mother once a fortnight.

For the past two weekends, she has been hours late with the excuse "I slept in" hmm

So last weekend she text DP to say she'd be here at 8.30am. Then at 9pm she text to say it would be 11am as she 'was tired'.

DSS was stood outside waiting, all ready from 10am onwards.

She finally arrived at 1.30pm.

This is a regular thing, she doesn't give a shit.

I said to DP this weekend "text her and tell her that DSS won't be getting ready until she is at least on her way"

He wouldn't. He'd rather DSS be upset than "annoy" her. It really pisses me off, it's like they're all terrified of her.

And we were just on about christmas earlier and DP said "you better be here when she comes at christmas or she'll moan"

hmm I don't give a shit if she moans or not! she's at the bottom of my list of people to give a shit about.

AIBU?

FlamingoBingo Sat 26-Sep-09 17:58:55

YANBU - your DP would rather his DS was upset than his ex-DW???? shock and sad

mumblechum Sat 26-Sep-09 18:00:07

If you knew she wasn't coming till 11, why did ss stand outside from 10?

I think your dp should have texted her at 11.15 to say if she wasn't there by 11.30 you were all going out.

How old is dss? If he's still quite young your dp could make an application to the court to suspend contact althogether, just as a shot across the bows.

TellAnyone Sat 26-Sep-09 18:01:42

exactly! he'd never admit this but it's bloody obvious!

One time DSS didn't know he was meant to be seeing his mother and arranged something else for the same day. Instead of texting the ex and explaining, dp made DSS cancel his plans with his friends, had him crying for over an hour, all because he darn't text the bloody woman.

3littlefrogs Sat 26-Sep-09 18:06:07

How old is DSS?

TellAnyone Sat 26-Sep-09 18:07:13

he's 13

3littlefrogs Sun 27-Sep-09 10:36:11

Poor kid. That is a really difficult age. His dad needs to grow up and be a father and a positive role model.

I have no idea what to advise TBH. You are in a difficult position and I'm afraid the person who could sort this out (your DP) sounds woefully inadequate.

It is a long shot, but maybe family counselling would be a start? You can get a referral through your GP.

Your poor DSS doesn't need this kind of stress.

letsgostrawberrypicking Sun 27-Sep-09 10:47:48

Have you got anything to lose by ringing her yourself to explain how inconvenient her behaviour has become? Other than that maybe buy your dh a backbone if he cant grow one himself!

pjmama Sun 27-Sep-09 11:20:42

DP needs to grow a pair and remember he's not with her any more and so bloody what if she's annoyed?! The priority should be some stability and consideration for his son's needs, not hers.

How long is it since they split up and do you know much about the dynamic of their relationship when they were together? Presumably he's always let her get away with murder, if current behaviour is anything to go by. I think if it were me I would be asking him why he feels she still has some kind of hold over him, that he needs to tip toe around her like this?

colditz Sun 27-Sep-09 11:24:46

oh how INFURIATING!

If I were you (and I wouldn't normally say this to a step parent but you are clearly HUGELY involved with your DSS) I would tell your DSS not to get ready until he knows mum is on the way, as 'traffic can be awful, can't it!' and get him to come in and watch a film until the stupid selfish cow deigns to show herself. The Mother doesn't need to know that DSS doesn't get ready until she arrives, so don't bother texting her.

pointydoug Sun 27-Sep-09 11:35:18

YANBU

Don;t children have far more say in when they see their parents (if separated) when they turn 12?

NormaSknockers Sun 27-Sep-09 11:41:50

YANBU.

Does your DSS actually want to see his mother? If not as he's 13 I'm pretty sure he doesn't have to. My sisters are 13 & 11, as both of them are now at secondary school age they've both been allowed to say they don't want to visit their dad anymore - don't know all the ins & outs but I'm sure there's a way around it.

franklymydear Sun 27-Sep-09 11:44:39

But what does he have to do to get ready? If it's pack a bag, pack it the night before and when she knocks on the door he puts his shoes on and goes.

he does not have to be waiting for - he does not even have to be aware she's coming at a specific time.

Make a joke of it say to him "Oh you know how late your mum is let's just do x till she arrives,, ,no need to hang around outside waiting"

as long as the kid is there to be picked up it makes no difference does it?

Anyway he's getting to the age where if he doesn't want to go he won't have to

HecatesTwopenceworth Sun 27-Sep-09 13:05:48

why is he afraid of her? What can she do to him?

3littlefrogs Sun 27-Sep-09 14:49:23

Actually, texting is all very well between good friends and family members, but hopeless and annoying between divorced parents. IMO.

Both parties need to grow up and have a civilised face to face conversation - for the good of their child.

StealthPolarBear Sun 27-Sep-09 14:58:06

Agree with Hecate, I thought from your description he'd be 3 or 4, but a 13yo shouldn't be "scared" of his mum. (well neither should a 3 or 4 yo, but he wouldn't be in a position to be arguing either iyswim). Why can't he tell her himself he hates being kept waiting and messed around?

3littlefrogs Sun 27-Sep-09 15:02:35

The fact that DP and DSS are scared of her does make me wonder what are the issues that are the cuae of such fear. It does seem strange.

Has there been violence or similar?

3littlefrogs Sun 27-Sep-09 15:02:52

CAUSE.

TellAnyone Sun 27-Sep-09 15:15:47

DSS doesn't want to see his mum. DP says he "has to" or it will cause too much agro.

Honestly, they're scared shitless of her.

I think there has been a bit of violence but also DP is scared stiff that she will fight for custody if he pisses her off.

BitOfFun Sun 27-Sep-09 15:16:33

It's not something worth the hassle and expense of counselling, as suggested earlier. Just a practical approach as people have pointed out. No point getting upset yourself either.

pjmama Sun 27-Sep-09 18:05:12

If it's a custody battle he's scared of, keep a record of every time she lets DSS down, turns up late, messes you all around. Frankly if DSS doesn't even want to see her, I can't imagine why any judge would even consider transferring custody?

Your DP is just being a wimp wink

BitOfFun Sun 27-Sep-09 18:09:28

A court is bound to take the wishes of the child into consideration, and give increasing weight to them as the child gets older. The chances of her winning residency against your dss' wishes are close to zero, especially if you can show her to be unreliable in her contact.

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