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That my ds will not be spending christmas day with his dad?

(133 Posts)
Squiglet Fri 25-Sep-09 22:34:11

OK, this is prob an issue for lots of families so interested in feedback from others in similar situations particularly.

Overview is ds1 is 9 and lives with me, his step dad and his little brother. He has spent the last 4 christmas' with us, and specifically has asked to. He has said he wants to spend christmas again with us and as his brothers birthday is on the 27th he doesnt want to go to see his dad till after on the 28th at earliest.

When his dad collected him I said that he could have him over the holidays from the 28th, and could he let me know what days etc. He was very angry and said that he was having him for xmas and that he'll do as he is told. I asked ds1 to go to room while we 'discussed' it. We dont tend to have disagreements and not infront of ds1. It was horrible, ex-p said that ds is only 8 (nope he is 9 going on 10) and that he shouldnt have a choice and that would i let him jump of a cliff if he wanted to. His dad doesnt do the magic xmas stuff with him as said there is no point as its not christmas. I always offer his dad time over summer etc too, most he ever wants is a long weekend, very occasionally (like one) was it nearer a week. He doenst take him on holiday with him when he goes (today was first time seeing him for a month as been abroad).

Anyway, I could go on for ages about his dad but that would be a looong post.

So AIBU in sticking to guns and what ds1 wants?

ThePhantomPlopper Fri 25-Sep-09 22:37:53

Yes I'd do what your DS wants, Christmas is for the Kids really isn't it?!

NeedCoffee Fri 25-Sep-09 22:42:00

I would also stick to having him at home, it'll be horrible for him to think he's missing out on the 'magical' day with you all, although maybe you could compromise, is it plausible ot invite Ex-p to yours for a few hours on the day? Or maybe say that he could go after lunch for a few hours, have him back until the 28th and then go?

BitOfFun Fri 25-Sep-09 22:44:19

Stick to your guns.

shelleylou Fri 25-Sep-09 22:44:34

If your ds feels like its christmas at home and not at his dads then stick to your guns.

Ive only ever had one christmas away from my parents and i hated it, was so different to what i was used to just like a sunday with dinner etc.

If it helpsmy ds is having christmas with me not his sperm donor dad with no if ands or buts

Squiglet Fri 25-Sep-09 22:48:21

I am not sure i am willing to compromise and also distrupt the day when he clearly doesnt have ds1's wishes at heart. He cant even remeber his name. And when i said he'd have him for birthday weekend he said he didnt care about that.. angry forgot to type that bit in. Thankfully ds1 didnt hear it as he put his music on in his room but what a horrid thing to say. Ex doesnt believe in christianity but will want ds to celebrate the festival of a birthday of a religious icon he doenst even believe in but doesnt care if he has ds over his birthday. He has seen him for every birthday btw, even if he's with us his dad visits. He wont extend that back to us though when ds is with him..

Northernlurker Fri 25-Sep-09 22:48:56

I think it's hard for your son's dad to think the lad doesn't want to be with him at Christmas but that's NOT your problem. Your son wants to stay with you and his brother. He is still just a baby really and I think could be utterly miserable if you forced him out to his dads. Could his Dad come round and see him on Christmas day though? Does he live close? I would be inclined to grit my teeth and offere that as a compromise but no way would I force my child to do something they clearly don't want to do.

Frizbe Fri 25-Sep-09 22:49:00

Just for the record, my ss, does alternate christmas' with his mum and his dad, we tend to swap over on boxing day or the day after, so this year he's with his mum, brother and stepdad for week running upto and incl Xmas and then we collect him and he's with us and his sisters for remaining week upto and incl New Year. This works well for all of us. HTH's.

Squiglet Fri 25-Sep-09 22:50:42

sorry not remember his name, remember his age blush and i cant type for toffee.. sorry long day.

NeedCoffee Fri 25-Sep-09 22:50:47

Ah right, well then, he doesn't really deserve him then...but...maybe offer a couple of hours in the afternoon as a take it or leave it type thing, or just say no, you can have him on the 28th, no negotiation.

yerblurt Fri 25-Sep-09 22:55:01

why shouldn't the child spend 1 xmas at mums and 1 xmas at dads?

Squiglet Fri 25-Sep-09 22:58:20

yerblurt - because he doesnt want to. He wants to be home with me, step dad and baby brother.

piscesmoon Fri 25-Sep-09 23:00:09

It seems very unfair-I would be heartbroken if I had every Christmas away from my DC.

shelleylou Fri 25-Sep-09 23:07:23

Just re read my post and can see how it could be taken as me being a control freak. Theres no comprimise cos ds doesnt know his dad, its his birthday in 6 weeks and would have been a year since he last saw him. So i feel its unfair to send ds to some people he doesn't know whether its christmas or not

yerblurt Fri 25-Sep-09 23:24:00

what about dad?

just because a child says they don't want too doesn't mean we do everything they say - they are children.

if the child said they didn't want to go to school or wanted to eat chocolate all day would you?

no, because we are parents.

the child can have a day at dad's (and be encouraged) and then the next day at mum's, it would seem equitable to have a xmas at mums and one at dads.

nannyL Fri 25-Sep-09 23:54:58

although i agree with what you are saying yerblurt i think for the OP the situation is slightly different...

the dad cant ecen remember how old his child is...

Xmas is special and should be magical and if the child will get and wants a magicla day with his mum and step siblings who he lives with as oppsoed to his dad who he barely sees then imo thats what should happen.

we shoudl be thinking of the childs happiness here, surely that is what is important?

BitOfFun Fri 25-Sep-09 23:55:52

I think that's silly. His dad is almost a stranger- let him build a base with his son through the rest of the year if he shows willing, but it's not fair to thrust the boy over there under these circumstances. It's not about the dad's "rights", but the happiness of the child.

AllThreeWays Sat 26-Sep-09 00:01:20


YABVU Of course he wants to stay with you, he has been getting away with it for four years.

It's his Dad ffs how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot

pooexplosions Sat 26-Sep-09 00:07:28

And how would you feel being forced to go away for xmas to someone who can't remenber how old you are and takes an interest when they feel like it?
Child is almost 10, old enough to decide for themseles. How cruel to send him away for xmas when he doesn't want to go.....sad

BitOfFun Sat 26-Sep-09 00:15:06

<<he has been getting away with it for four years>>

Please tell me you're joking hmm

It's not about the dad and what he feels entitled to- it's about the boy. The principle of which is enshrined in law. It's not a tug of bloody war- but the interests of the child.

AllThreeWays Sat 26-Sep-09 04:46:35

No I am not joking.

I am just sick of hearing about minimal access for fathers.

It is not a competition of who has the better christmas. The OP should be encouraging the boy to see his father. Not creating a situation where the child wants to stay with her because she provides the best christmas. Of course he is going to choose Mum's house, kids are selfish little people and he should be taught to understand that Dad's christmas may be different but it is still OK

FlamingoBingo Sat 26-Sep-09 05:11:59

"Getting away with it"????? shockangry

Bloody hell! Divorces/separations etc. is not and bloody never should be about the rights of the fucking parents - it's about hte rights of the children.

You are so wrong it is not funny, AllThreeWays. Kids are not selfish little people. Are you a dad who is experiencing something similar? If so, I'm sorry for you, but I hope you're not treating your DCs like the OP's DC's dad is.

OP - IMO, and IME as a child of a divorce and subsequent adult with big issues to deal with, you should ALWAYS do what the child feels happy doing. Your DS's dad is, from your post, clearly perfectly able to build up a good strong relationship with your DS over the year, so that, by next Christmas, your DS may well want to spend the day with him. If he can't be bothered to put the effort in then he'll just have to lump it. Your DS comes first not his dad.

AllThreeWays Sat 26-Sep-09 05:15:31

I am a single Mum who shares 50% care with my ExH.

tatt Sat 26-Sep-09 05:26:12

Sorry but YABU. Christmas is a special time but that also means it's an excellent time for a father to bond with his child. Once in 5 years he wants to share that pleasure with his son and you refuse? No wonder he has little to do with the boy, you're shutting him out of the child's life.

Your son is old enough to learn that sometimes we have to do what is right not what we want. Agree that he goes to his fathers but is back for his brothers birthday.

nooka Sat 26-Sep-09 05:30:53

When dh and I separated we decided how to arrange things (50/50 split) and that included Christmas and all holidays. The children (who were younger then, 4 and 6 when we split and 6 and 8 when we got back together) were not consulted, nor do I think it would have been very healthy for them if we had done so. But it was a (fairly) amicable arrangement and we lived 5 mins apart. The OP (for what ever reason) sounds like she has a very difficult relationship with her ex, and perhaps he isn't the best of dads, I don't know that we could judge for the very limited info the OP has given (and in any case we woudl have no idea about the ex's view of things).

However I think there are a couple of points here. Firstly I am an aetheist and yet Christmas is still very important to me, and if I couldn't have the children with me i would be absolutely gutted (I don't understand the "magic Christmas stuff" - is his dad saying he can't celebrate Christmas with his son because he's not there for Christmas? that seems quite reasonable to me, but I might have totally got the wrong end of the stick). It is more important to me than their birthdays (not a big deal in my family) and I wouldn't see that as an acceptable 'swap'. Secondly it seems here that the OP is telling the ex what he can and can't do with his son, which would wind me up no end - it doesn't sound like he can say what he would like to happen at all. Finally my children are now 8 and 10, and as parents we tell them how things are, not the other way around. For example ds would love to return to the UK (we've moved to Canada) but that's not his choice, even though he is at times unhappy. It's our choice as parents to make decisions on his behalf, and hope that we've got it right.

Having said all that I do acknowledge that the ex might be a total knob who might not have his son's interests at heart at all, but having a split family is incredibly hard, and does involve sacrifice for long term aims (like ensuring children maintain really good relationships with both parents wherever possible).

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