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not to want to go to wedding without DD

(17 Posts)
Everhopeful Thu 24-Sep-09 23:01:16

My brother is getting married for the third time (we?re a bit bored of his weddings, but we think it?s her first go, so are happy to be nice) at the end of December, a time of year when we?re all over the place anyway seeing family for Xmas. DB doesn?t do Xmas, so probably hasn?t noticed this little logistic problem which only exists because he has invited DH and me, but specifically not DD. He has never acknowledged her existence in any way (she's 7 ½), other than he did turn out to her christening party. He was the only one there not to get her anything (I know it's not compulsory, but I was surprised, especially when he said it never occurred to him. If we do go, I feel as if I?m betraying her as it will look like I condone him ignoring her (sometimes I?d rather keep her away from him anyway as I don?t want her hurt by this). If we don't go, that doesn?t welcome his fiancée to the family very well (we met her once, at his elder son?s wedding; they left partway through the reception, because DB liked the look of the party next door better, which upset his son a fair bit ? I know nothing about her otherwise) and I know he?ll make everyone sympathise with him because his horrid sisters didn?t turn up (DS has said she won't go if I don't but that I do think is silly).

Would you go?

Dianne35 Thu 24-Sep-09 23:10:27

I would go, for all the reasons you say, you want to be nice to his new bride and welcome her into the family and because you're basically prepared to be the bigger person.

I can sympathise about the non-interest in nieces/nephews thing, my older sister (who I used to be really close to) has shown little/no interest in my wee boy who is now 3, which I found really hurtful for a long while.

I've just grown to accept that she's just not interested in kids and there's probably no point in forcing the issue. I must confess that my hubby and I probably weren't the most attentive auntie and uncle to our nieces and nephews prior to having our own kid!

It would be far better that your wee girl doesn't go than she was invited and not made to feel welcome or had no company from any other kids.

Your brother sounds a wee bit like my dad - there's always something more exciting round the corner, particularly if it involves impressing someone who he's never met before rather than his family! He probably won't change...! Good luck whatever you decide to do!

Everhopeful Thu 24-Sep-09 23:16:35

Thanks for answering - and several people have said similar stuff to me (about half, actually - why I figured I could do worse than try here). I admit to a lot of baggage about how I did look after his two for ages and nobody told me he didn't do anything with the others (I have a lot of nephews and nieces!). Probably wouldn't have done any different about that, since it wasn't the kids' fault, but at least I'd have had some warning. It does go against the grain not to protest though and I agree he'll never change whether I do or not. DH really upset though and thinks I'm mad even to consider the idea of going

Dianne35 Thu 24-Sep-09 23:21:19

Ah, that puts a bit of a different spin on it! I had stupidly assumed he had no kids of his own! Also, if your DH is really upset about it, I'd be more concerned about him than new SIL. Would you even consider going along yourself for a bit, showing face and giving them their pressie? Realise that might not have much scope if you're meant to be there for the full day and might still mean your DH feels you're not showing solidarity, it's just been how I've got round social occasions that my DH has been adamant he didn't want to take part in for one reason or another...!

Families, eh?!!

ardchoile Thu 24-Sep-09 23:24:18

I have to say that I don't think I would go. Your DD is part of your family and if your brother wants you to go, he should have invited her too.

But that's just me.

ronshar Thu 24-Sep-09 23:25:40

How about you turn up on your own for the ceremony and the immediate afters.
Make it clear when you RSVP that is what you are doing and your reasons.
That way you are showing respect to his new wife to be but not condoning his arrogant behaviour.
A very difficult situation.

Everhopeful Thu 24-Sep-09 23:25:49

Too right - you don't really not want to have them, but they can be a pain! Wedding bloody miles away, but it's a thought that hadn't occured to me though. I could go to the wedding and forget the reception, which would cover all the angles, wouldn't it? Dianne, you're a genius! I knew this was going to be worth a try grin!

QuintessentialShadow Thu 24-Sep-09 23:27:09

I am with ardchoile on this one.

echofalls Thu 24-Sep-09 23:30:41

I didn't have any children at my first wedding mainly due to the fact that I have 15 aunties and uncles on my dads side and 36 cousins, so the logistics of it were just mind boggling smile

If you are close to your DB go to the wedding if not don't go.

Everhopeful Thu 24-Sep-09 23:32:07

Ardchoile, that's about covered what the other half I polled said, and pretty much how I felt when I first got the invite! Trouble is, both our parents are long gone, he's quite a bit older than me anyway and I don't really want to feel that the next time I hear about him is when I get the invite (if I do, of course) to his funeral. On the other hand, might be like that anyway... we don't exactly live in each other's pockets!shock

Going to the wedding and not the black tie v posh reception (no doubt why he doesn't want kids, though I reckon he's old enough that I'm possibly the only person he knows with any under 20) looks like the only way out of this to me.

ardchoile Thu 24-Sep-09 23:37:43

Everhopeful, I can understand that.

Just wondering - he has only invited you and your DH. You don't think he has just asked you out of politeness, thinking that you probably won't come because it's near Christmas and you have a child who's not invited?!

Just playing devil's advocate here. smile

cat64 Thu 24-Sep-09 23:40:41

Message withdrawn

2rebecca Thu 24-Sep-09 23:45:38

If it's a long way then I'd probably phone him wishing him well but saying you won't go as your daughter wasn't invited.
When my kids were toddlers I went to weddings without them, but now they're older unless it was a nearby wedding I could just pop to I wouldn't go if I had the kids. Being divorced and not having your kids with you all the time makes you value time with them more.
You do sound as though you value Christening presents more highly than me though. I think it's sad that your brother turned up yet you resent him not bringing a present. Does make you sound rather mercenary.

florence2511 Thu 24-Sep-09 23:49:39

I agree with you Cat. I'm not bothered if I'm invited to a Wedding and DD isn't. It's up to the Bride and Groom who they invite and if they don't want to invite Children then it's their call.

I always enjoy a night out without DD as they are very rare.

If I were you I would just go to the ceremony and leave the reception well along unless you want to go that is.

Everhopeful Thu 24-Sep-09 23:50:01

Not sure I want him in mine, cat! He was pretty crass last time. Still, new SIL might help matters, I don't know.

I did wonder if he expects me to turn it down, but that presupposes he remembered she existed. I doubt that a lot more than I think he expected a turndown, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt on that one. I agree that he ought to have what he wants, though it's a pity this doesn't gel with my own views. That's why I really don't want a fight about it and so need a clean solution smile.

Thank all of you so much for helping me with this - especially for giving me an idea that I probaby should have thought of, but never did!

Everhopeful Thu 24-Sep-09 23:54:52

2rebecca, yes I do think I sound mercenary. It was just that he was the only one and he's family. She's very lucky, gets loads of stuff, so really doesn't actually need more. I just didn't do it to his two - said it was baggage blush

Everhopeful Thu 24-Sep-09 23:57:11

Actually, it occurs to me that he only came because he was in town for No 5 nephew's wedding the previous day. I doubt he would have otherwise.

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