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to not have a clue how to handle tomorrow?

(15 Posts)
tryingtobemarypoppins Thu 24-Sep-09 20:13:23

I am off for my 20 week scan tomorrow after finding out my sister misscarried today. She will be having a D&C around the time of my scan in the same hospital.

I don't know if to go and see her whilst we are there, wait, phone tomorrow, stay away......what do I take, what do I say?

When she phoned me today she was so angry and upset......just don't know what to do for the best???

ThePhantomPlopper Thu 24-Sep-09 20:24:06

Oh God, what a horrible situation.

Firstly sorry to hear of your Sisters loss.

I think if it was me I'd hang around to see how she is, but I don't know if that would be the right thing to do IYSWIM?

Will her partner be there?

A69 Thu 24-Sep-09 20:24:46

If I were you,I would just send her a message to let her know you are thinking of her.I know what it's like to miscarry and,you feel so angry with everyone.She will just need a bit of time.Good Luck with your scan.How exciting!

Toffeepopple Thu 24-Sep-09 20:24:47

You are so, so, so, so not being unreasonable.

Oh god, tryingtobemarypoppins, that is really rotten luck. It is hard to know what is the right thing without knowing your sister and where her emotions are right now.

I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and it was really horrible, especially as I got stuick in hospital as they would not scan me or do D&C over a bank holiday.

I would be tempted to text her while you are there. She can then ignore or reply as she chooses.

I did find it hard to be around pregnant women for a while after mine. Especially a couple of people who were pregnant with their third and I'd just lost what would have been my second and it seemed SO UNFAIR!!!

Hugs to you though. Please try to enjoy you 20-week scan and not have it overshadowed by this. The bundle you are carrying is still going to be a wonderful addition to your family, and your sister will feel that too, but maybe not right now.

If you do end up seeing her, my sister came to see me and brought the crappiest magazines out there. She read them first so that we could talk about utter, peurile celeb gossip. That is really not usually my thing at all, but it was perfect because I could just forget all my deeper thoughts....

mamas12 Thu 24-Sep-09 20:25:23

Oh what a horrible place to be for you both.
Can you ring her partner or mother or someone else later and sound them out?
I know when I mc I was heartened that other women were pg because it gave me hope that it can happen.
But,after a month my then h went away for the night for the first time after it happened and my bloody brother rang to say that his wife was pg and how great was that! No mention of what happened to me and how thoughtless he was being now.
He could have been a lot more sensitive about it.
I saw his baby as 'my' baby and he is still a bit of a favourite of mine.
Be prepared if she doesn't want to see you for a while, but speak to her first.
And don't take offence.
And good luck with your pg!

FabBakerGirlIsBack Thu 24-Sep-09 20:26:33

What would you do if you weren't pregnant? Do that?

Text and say you will be at the hospital and would she like a visit?

tryingtobemarypoppins Thu 24-Sep-09 20:37:53

Thank-you all so much.

I did say to her today I would be at the hospital tommorrow and would she like us to come by and stay with her but she cut me short so I think that maybe that wasn't my most sensitive move yet!

Her DH has been really good and is with her. She doesn't do well with a GA so I expect she won't come around from the surgery until quite late and be more groggy. She was so angry today and her DP said she had shouted at the doctors.

I'll text her and send her massive hugs etc then perhaps drop round magazines and chocolate on Saturday once she is feeling better, I think I'll also leave my toddler at home with DH as that won't help either.

I really worry about her as she has had lots of cervical problems with CN3 cells and had lots of lazer. I think she really thought she wouldn't get pregnant easily, and now this.....

Dianne35 Thu 24-Sep-09 20:44:18

Hi there - speaking as someone who has had two miscarriages and two ectopic pregnancies (with 4 D+C's), I've got a little bit of an idea of what your sister is going through. I'm afraid there's no easy answer and there's probably no ideal thing to do. I would have found it terribly hard to see my sister in the same circumstances, but on the other hand I would hate to think she was avoiding me.

Would there be the option that you could send your hubby/partner/mum in to see her and ask gently if it might be OK for you to come and see her, because you know it might be hard for her, but you really care about what she's going through? Be prepared that the answer might be "no", but I hope not. Not only has she lost her baby, but she's been in theatre under general anaesthetic, so she'll probably be happy for all the support she can get.

If you do go, take yourself and a listening ear and keep your scan pics in your handbag. She'll presumably know you had your scan booked in? She might ask to see them, she might not, please don't take it hard, she'll still be delighted for you, but really hurting. Some bottled water and a couple of magazines will probably be best to take, as she may be nil by mouth and on a drip for a wee while, but might want something to occupy her when she comes round but is still too woozy to be up and about.

I hope this is the sort of thing you wanted to know - she's lucky to have a caring sister and someone who is sensitive enough to know that things will be hard.

Good luck and lots of luck to your sis too, it's a terrible thing to go through.


tryingtobemarypoppins Thu 24-Sep-09 20:58:02

Dianne thank-you that really is perfect advice, thank-you.

I have been being so positive about things to her over the last few days......but I think she new it was going to be bad news today. She has been in pain and bleeding poor poor thing

I want to be there for her but not make it worse.

Dianne is there hope for a happy outcome in the future? She has had a hard time with cervical problems, I think she really didn't think she could get pregnant so easily, now I'm worried she will think this will happen again.

Dianne35 Thu 24-Sep-09 21:05:58

Oh, I'm glad, I just reread it and hoped I didn't sound preachy.

I know, it's so hard and you'll probably feel you can't do anything right, especially at what should be a lovely time for you as well.

I've got a little boy of three - I had my first miscarriage before him and all the other stuff afterwards. So it is possible to have a healthy baby even if your body doesn't seem to want to co-operate! I'm still stunned that I managed to have my wee boy in the middle of everything that could go wrong going wrong!

But weirdly, the last thing your sis will probably want at the moment is reassurance about a future baby, she'll want to grieve for the one she's lost and acknowledgement that it was a wanted baby, even if it was early on (I'm not making that assumption for your sis, I just know mine were relatively early but still hurt very badly).

She might not feel able to think about getting pregnant again for a long while, or on the other hand she might want to get straight back on track with it. I've done both (I got pregnant a month and a half after my first miscarriage). She'll just need a bit of space and all she'll need is to know you're there listening.

tryingtobemarypoppins Thu 24-Sep-09 21:32:17

Thank you Dianne, I'm really gald you said that as I hadn't thought of it like that, thank-you. I think I was so keen to tell her she will have another baby, I lost sight of her griving for this baby. THANK-YOU! I feel much better (seems the wrong thing to say) having a better idea of how she is feeling.

Many thanks and best of luck with the future.

MiniMarmite Thu 24-Sep-09 21:48:57

My SIL and I were three weeks apart in our pregnancies when I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. I found it very hard to see her at first and TBH don't think I would have wanted her to come and see me when I was having my D&C but a text to let her know you are thinking of her will be just right.

I felt terrible about feeling that I didn't want to see my SIL. In a few weeks it might help to reassure her that you understand how hard it must be for her.

Diane's right, she probably won't want to think about another baby just to grieve for this one.

Enjoy your scan tomorrow. In a few months time your sister will have a new niece or nephew to enjoy and by then she may be pregnant again or ready to think about trying again.

MissMoopy Thu 24-Sep-09 21:50:44

I think you sound like a lovely sister. Just be there when she needs you and let her know you're there. When grieving its awful when people don't mention it, so perhaps flowers and a card if she isn't up to seeing people yet. She needs to recover physically and grieve and she IS going to find it hard to be around you at first. But I think you understand and respect that. Big hugs to you and your sister x

Dianne35 Thu 24-Sep-09 23:37:56

Oh, and enjoy your day seeing your wee babe on the screen! Dianne x

muddleduck Thu 24-Sep-09 23:50:58

I was in this situation with a very close friend.
I sent her a message saying how sorry we were to hear of her loss and that we would leave it to her to get in touch with us when she was ready.
This seemed to be the right thing to do as it meant that she had control over when/where we got together but knew that we were thinking of her.

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