to think its ok for new mums to have a few hours "off" maybe once a week?(26 Posts)
I keep meeting other new mums and talking to friends who never left their LOs at all, even with the Dads, for weeks or months after the birth. Exclusive BFeeders aside, why is this? do we not trust the fathers of our children? I went out for an hour the day after arriving home and have a least one evening a week "off" which keeps me sane but feel as though I am the only one and therefore must be doing something "wrong". feedback please..
i think it is very personal
if people are happy to NOT do this, then fine
personally i loved the odd hour or more to myslef (even when DS was breastfed i still left the house)
i think it can be (in some cases) very controlling to not leave partners with children
YA definitely NBU, you need time to yourself too, to recharge so-to-speak.
DS was fed exclusively with breast milk for his first 3 months; I won't say exclusively breast fed because I had gallons of the stuff and expressed oodles for freezing, so he was bottle fed too but with breast milk.
Then DS's dad could feed him when i was out - not all day or anything just a trip to the shops or similar. Even if I was only away for an hour or two I then felt I could meet the world head on.
On one occasion DS's dad had been constantly making excuses that he was scared of hurting DS by giving him a bath. So I filled the bath and got everything ready, handed DS to him and walked out of the house. Surprisingly dad managed perfectly well
God, I loved and needed some time to myself after the first few weeks.
Their is neither anything wrong with having a few hours off, nor spending all the first months with their little ones.
I dont think its necessarily about trust - it will be for all different reasons. Confidence, fear maybe? But probably most of the time for the simple reason that maternal instinct dictates they shouldnt be apart from their precious newborns.
I didnt bond with my DS, yet I was still reluctant to leave him with anyone else. I felt guilty in case he was frightened. I didnt want to scare DH either! I didnt want to put upon other people. all sorts of reasons...
If you want reassurance that you are doing the right thing for you, then of course, yes you are. Each to their own. I went out between feeds, just to get out on my own, and started going out again on the odd evening when I could express at 6 weeks.
For me, I needed to get a sense of self back and see friends and do non baby things and have non baby conversations and it made me a happier mum after having some time away.
But others are happier to be with their baby all the time.
Trixie - you sound like you've got the balance perfectly right and should keep going with that! It took me ages to go out and have an evening to myself, as I felt pressure from lots of holier-than-thou folk who seemed to feel I didn't deserve a break! My son was exclusively breastfed, so I was always panicking that he'd need a feed while I was out and I was hopeless at expressing. It was only when he was about 8 weeks old that the health visitor basically told me to get a grip, give someone a carton of formula to give him and go and do something else for a bit!
I was like this. I jsut couldnt bear to be away from ds.
I breast fed for 7 months and didnt have a plentiful supply so didnt express well.
wasnt a control thing for me at all. I had anxiety issues, severe PND and just needed to be with my baby.
This was however very unhealthy.
Impacted hugely on my PND but at the time, i just couldnt see through the fog IYSWIM.
I was one of those mums who couldn't leave her baby with anyone for the first few... er... actually til he was about 20 months old!
I know this won't happen to everyone but I made a prison for myself and I do regret it, as when I finally started to get a few hours to myself I thought "god, I must have been a loon not to do this earlier!"
I think time to yourself is very important, but it's sometimes hard to see that when you're a new mum who thinks your baby will be distressed etc
It is important for the father to build their own relationship with the child too and I really didn't put any thought into that when I was busy keeping him all to myself.
I have to admit that I do not understand women who refuse to leave the baby with anyone else for months on end. I don't think it's good for the mum but even more, if you've got a supportive and loving DH who wants to be with his child, why would anyone not want to encourage this?
I do completely understand how it might be hard and how instinctively you want to be close to the baby though.
But when you hear about women who 10 years down the line are holding all the household and childcare reigns, I do sometimes wonder if it started with their refusal to let men share responsibility early on
[incidentally, my lack of understanding goes both ways - men who refuse to accept they are parents and therefore they should be perfectly capable of looking after their babies, never cease to amaze me either]
My DD is ten months old now and I have left her on 3 occasions and one was for a funeral. Its only now that I really feel comfortable leaving her. It has been nothing to do with trust more that i dont have my own family around here and my friends here I havent known long. So I didnt really feel comfortable putting the responsbility on someone else and I also didnt want to be away from DD. It was an all consuming feeling of wanting to be with her all the time that I couldnt explain. When she started sleeping in her cot upstairs rather than the moses basket with us in the lounge of an eveing, I would "miss" her terribly.
Now though....hmmmm I'd love some time off. A whole Saturday would be bliss...I'd sit in the library or Borders drinking coffee and reading all their books.
I have to say I envy Mums who an leave theirs easily. I did leave my older three (and often galdly!) but ds4 just woldn't have it, would scream until the carer had shattered nerves.... even my Mum, Grandma and carer to 7 children, gave up..
and it ahs taken a paid (so wanting money LOL!) CM known to the family and a lot of waiting for any time at all- I had my forst 3 hourrs Wednesday. He is 17.5 months old. Aarghhh.
Dh did take him when I was doing finals and baby was 5 weeks, but it's always been the case that it is &dh* I want to be with on child free occasions.
i thik it does mums a world of good whether new or old to have a bit of child free time to recharge their sanity
I had every Saturday afternoon off from 2-whenever I wanted, from when dd was 6 weeks old. I still did it when ds came along 2 years later.
I love and NEED my time alone and away from the house- would go mental otherwise. Dh more than capable.
I wish mums wouldn't make a rod for their own back sometimes.
thanks for the feedback - glad I am not alone (was starting to think I must not have such a good bond with my DS as I am so ready to leave him with DP regularly). of course it helps if you have a very supportive partner and /or family and friends but I do find myself wanting to shake people who say they can't bear to leave them or refer to the dad looking after the LO as "babysitting". its their child too. I guess its all part of the whole "we were people before we were mums" kind of thing. Hurrah for evenings off or even just a long bath!
I would go insane if I couldn't leave my baby with DH. In fact, every night, when DH gets home from work? I hand DS over and go be by myself for at least half an hour. Even if it just means shutting the bedroom door!
My DD wasn't exclusively breastfed - she had a bottle at midday and bedtime and spent the rest of the time attached to my nipple. She wouldn't take a dummy, she used to scream inconsolably if she couldn't breastfeed for pretty much all of her waking hours.
I didn't leave her til I stopped breastfeeding her at 6 months.
I'm sorry if that offends you. But if you're happy with your own choices then why are you so concerned about mine?
Did someone say they were offended Girlsareloud? No, they said they had different parenting decisions.
Don't be so defensive.
You're right tee2072, she didn't say she was offended, she intimated that people who do this don't trust the fathers of their own children.
Absolutely-everyone needs a break. I think it is unfair never to leave DP on his own with his DC.
OP, as time goes on you will realise that some people do things differently from you and that you shouldn't feel insecure and second guess your own decisions in this way as there are so many different ways to parent a child.
I always felt awful about feeling happy about leaving DD! MIL took her for a few hours about every 2 weeks from 3 weeks. In honesty, I missed her terribly, and only took the offer because I was desperate to get some housework done.
But then from about 7 weeks, I've had an evening out every 3 weeks or so whilst she's at home with DP, and I love it! It's more about getting dressed up and looking nice, and feeling like an actual person in my own right then the going out part, but it keeps me sane.
I do think its important to hav eunderstanding friends though, who understand if you have to cancel at short notice. Have PND, so I do have my moments when I really can't leave DD. But its good to have the option!
Good for you OP! I wished I could have had a second to myself, DH didn't want to help, Mum was too busy not wanting to be a grandma
IF i manage to have another one, I'll definately kick my supposed support system into place and take some time off for me!
Will use your post for inspiration/motivation!
Hmmm... there have been times over the past year I'd have loved a break but DS2 has been a rather clingy baby so it's only the past few weeks (13 months old) I have gone for 2 hour driving lessons, the odd jog etc. He is fine now to be left, I would not have been happy to leave him before as he would get very upset. It's just not worth it. Obviously if you have a baby happy to be left it's different, but for me under a year was too soon. DH rocked him to sleep the other night (instead of usual breastfeed to leep) so I feel happy enough to give a night out a go that's coming up. Each to their own.
Yes good for you op, totally. I have a dear friend who is dds godmother who offered to take dd when she was a newborn for the day every other week as she worked alternate Sat and by god i needed it. Dd was coliky and hard work, dh was as good as a chocolate teapot and it was nice just to have time to myself. My dear friend and her husband. still does it but she loves to have my dd occasionally, take her swimming (i have severe Eczema) and really looks after he so well. I did get the odd tut tut from my mum and dh parents but who cares. I totally trust my dear friend and her family would not leave dd with just anyone and kown everytime i leave dd with them she is going to be well cared for and loved.
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