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To feel that this is not a very nice thing to do?

(29 Posts)
Thequeensfool Thu 24-Sep-09 15:09:52

I have a friend who lives locally, and she has a dd who is about to turn 3. I have a four yr old dd and 3 yr old ds. We usually see each other on the same day every week and our dc play together.

Her dd plays with both of my dc equally well (although this month it has just been ds and I for visits as my dd has started school).

Anyway, today she tells me that she will be having a birthday party for her dd, and she can't decided between home/local venue. She casually dropped into conversation that if she holds it at home only my ds would be invited.

AIBU to feel that this is a) rude and b) mean?

I know my dd would be devestated to learn that ds would be going to x's party and not her.

PinkTulips Thu 24-Sep-09 15:12:39

how bizarre... i'd be a bit peeved to say the least, is she so amazingly popular that a child who plays with her dd on a weekly basis would overcrowd her house? hmm

ElectricElephant Thu 24-Sep-09 15:14:09

YANBU. How weird.

Tidey Thu 24-Sep-09 15:14:41

Is it because your DS is nearer her DD's age? Seems rather mean to me, there's not much difference between a three and a four year old. If it were me, I wouldn't invite one but not the other when they are so close in age and they play together so often, it seems very odd to me.

overmydeadbody Thu 24-Sep-09 15:15:17

Maybe there is a more simple explanation, like if she had it at home it would be during school hours so your dd wouldn't be able to come?

Dianne35 Thu 24-Sep-09 15:23:22

That does seem really strange! My son had a 3rd birthday party recently and I invited all the sibling of friends we see regularly, including the babies. It would seem really mean not to! It just meant that I maybe invited fewer folk to make sure I had space for full families. The only thing I didn't like was parents of his nursery pals turning up with siblings we didn't know, in the expectation that they could join the party, as it was in an external venue and food/places were booked in advance.

twooter Thu 24-Sep-09 15:26:47

are you sure she didn't mean the other way round?

LoveBeingAMummy Thu 24-Sep-09 15:29:33

Sounds a bit strange to me tbh, at dds first birthday we had 4 other 1years, a 2year old and a 3year old due to siblings wouldn't have thought of telling them they couldn't come.

Thequeensfool Thu 24-Sep-09 15:37:20

Thanks for the replies. Just needed a sanity check there! She definitly meant it that way. She said that x has so many friends that she would find it too crowded hmm.

Oh and the party will be held on a saturday. We haven't known each other for yonks, but had considered her to be a close friend, and she and her dd know my dd just as well as ds!

multivac Thu 24-Sep-09 15:40:51

I think this bit of your post "(although this month it has just been ds and I for visits as my dd has started school)" is probably key.

Hosting a party at home can be tricky in terms of space; and perhaps it seems to your friend that, as your dd has 'crossed the divide' and started school it wouldn't seem odd if the invites were limited to pre-school chums.

If it does turn out that your dd is left out of this party, I wouldn't focus too much on her 'devastation'; plan a special treat for her while the party for the 'little ones' is on, and make sure that both of 'em have a good time.

That's what we did when only one of our twins was invited to a nursery chum's birthday party recently... shock

Thequeensfool Thu 24-Sep-09 15:50:54

Multivac - yes I'd be more inclined to rationalise if my ds was say...a pre-school friend, but the fact that we see each other as a family mainly makes it off to me.

multivac Thu 24-Sep-09 15:58:46

Maybe you should decline the invitation on behalf of ds and take both your children out somewhere exciting instead!

I'm still reluctant to think of not inviting your dd as 'mean', though. Tactless, perhaps, in the way it was 'dropped into the conversation'. I'm always* a bit tied up in knots when planning home parties for my two, especially over siblings - and you probably aren't the only family friend with more than one child to consider...

*well, I say 'always' - they've only had a couple so far. But it's getting progressively more difficult, and I do see 'starting school' as a point at which the guest list will, inevitably, change a bit and become a tad more exclusive.

Thequeensfool Thu 24-Sep-09 16:03:04

Yes, I will be declining on my ds's behalf if dd is not invited. Not to make a point, simply because I wouldn't want dd to feel rejected for no apparent reason.

multivac Thu 24-Sep-09 16:10:05

I honestly wouldn't be too sure about dd feeling 'rejected'; 'disappointed', yes - but watch out for projecting your own feelings...

Yes, there was a moment of confusion and 'why not me?' when only one twin got invited to xx's party - but it was surprisingly easily dealt with. They're independent people, as are your children, and sometimes, stuff will happen for one that doesn't happen for the other.

Thequeensfool Thu 24-Sep-09 16:21:09

I take your point multivac, but dd is a little older than pre-school age so I feel more capable of feeling rejection etc.

I would fully expect that if a friend of ds's invited him to a party then she should have to cope with any disappointment over not going; but I'm pretty sure that dd sees x as being just as much her friend as ds's so IMO it is unfair on her.

multivac Thu 24-Sep-09 16:31:35

dcs were over four at the time (split intake school - they start in January); and xx was a mutual friend as far as they knew. I guess they are capable of feeling rejected if an overture they make is rebuffed, but doubt very much that the absence of an invitation could be put into the same category.

Sorry to bang on - I don't think you're BU. But I'm having trouble not looking at this from the point of the view of the parent hosting the party. I don't think she should have to invite anyone - and whilst I can see that she's put you in a bit of a spot, I don't think she's being 'mean'.

Mind you, I haven't met her. She could be a right ol' cow for all I know... grin

Thequeensfool Thu 24-Sep-09 16:33:28

Fair enough multivac smile.

pranma Thu 24-Sep-09 16:36:12

My dgs had his third birthday last week.At his party were three 3yr olds;two 2 year olds;one 1 year old;one 8yr old.2 7mnth old and one 5week old +parents and me of course
Your friend is being awful imho

twooter Thu 24-Sep-09 16:58:01

its always hard deciding who to invite though. i usually invite siblings too, but end up having 20 odd kids for 10 of my dc friends. i think you're being a bit harsh to be honest. a lot of parties can be spoilt by having too many people, and she may have had to decide where to draw the line

Thequeensfool Thu 24-Sep-09 17:00:23

But dd isn't a sibling of her dd's friend as far as I'm concerned; she is one of her dd's friends.

twooter Thu 24-Sep-09 17:23:47

oh, fair enough, yanbu.

multivac Thu 24-Sep-09 17:28:39

"as far as I'm concerned"

What about as far as your friend and her dd are concerned, though...?

alicet Thu 24-Sep-09 17:30:53

See I can understand why you feel a bit put out but I DO think YABU.

I have had a couple of similar situations as organiser of a party. I was having a joint party with one of ds's friends and only invited the ds of one of my friends and not her dd who although younger plays with ds just as much. We had strictly limite numbers at the venue and as they are not friends of the other child sharing the party I couldn't ask both.

This year ds2 is 2 and while we had big parties for ds1 ds2 is more unsettled in large groups and therefore we won't be asking most of our friends with children. Sure some will be put out but tough - more important to me that ds2 enjoys his party than the feelings of my friends (even close friends - I would presume that they would understand tbh!)

Maybe your friends dd has a lot of friends who have siblings and basically if she relents and asks your dd then she would have to do same for a number of other friends and so wouldn't be increasing the numbers by 1 but 10.

Or maybe not but I am sure she has her reasons. Although it might not be what you would have done I think you would be unreasonable to read anything into this or let it affect how you see your friend.

crokky Thu 24-Sep-09 17:37:43

YANBU, I think it is both rude and mean.

Having said that, it does make me hmm when people describe a 2yo as having "so many friends".

I think if you want to keep the friendship going as it is, you'll just have to comply with whatever she does and do something special with your DD. Not sure what!

If you are not bothered about the friendship and only one of your kids gets invited, I'd turn down the invite altogether.

junglist1 Thu 24-Sep-09 18:46:01

If I'm friends with the mum all children get invited, likewise if siblings know each other. Why is she being like this??

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