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How do I leave my husband

(48 Posts)
swindonmum Mon 21-Sep-09 11:52:21

I need advice on how to go about leaving my husband. We moved to Gloucester in July because he insisted that our son should go to grammar school. I never wanted to live here, but my opinion mattered not a jot. He labelled me a bad mother for putting our home and lifestyle above schooling. I wanted my son to go to a school in either Fairford, or Faringdon, neither of which is far from Swindon, where we lived. They are outstanding schools and my husband was perfectly happy with them until our son's form teacher suggested the grammar route- despite there being no grammars in our area. We now have to buy a house in a very expensive location, which we can't really afford, just so our other son is in catchment for a good school, should he not get a grammar place. Gloucester is a dump. The facilities for kids are rubbish and I hate it here. I now spend each morning sitting in traffic jams taking one son to school in Glos and the other to Cheltenham. We have taken our children away from all their friends, clubs and the only home they have ever known. My youngest has been taken away from his lovely school where he was doing so well. I have never been so unhappy. I can barely function as a human let alone a mother. I'm bringing my kids down with me and I hate myself for it. I have to go home. I have to get away from here before I do something really stupid. How can I leave him and take my children with me. I have not a clue who to contact or what to do. Please help me.

mummylin2495 Mon 21-Sep-09 12:19:56

i am presuming that you have also left your friends behind ? Do you think its posible you can give yourself a bit longer to settle into the new area.Have you been able to discuss with your sons what they are feeling ? Maybe you could have a family discussion and you and your sons could get to tell your dh how exactly you are all feeling.Possibly when you have all been in your new area longer and you have made some friends there and your boys are settled into their schools you may feel differently.I dont really have any advice for you but didnt want your post to be unanswered.good luck

stressybessy Mon 21-Sep-09 12:22:31

I'm not sure what reply to make to this but you seem really unhappy so didn't want your post to go unanswered. Perhaps talking to your husband first would be a good idea before you make any hurried decisions? It's early in the going back to school time frame so maybe give yourself a few weeks to see if things improve?

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 21-Sep-09 12:24:25

Are you pissed off with your husband as he has ridden rough shod over your feelings on the boys school and other things too - the school being the last straw?

clam Mon 21-Sep-09 12:27:01

Likewise, didn't want to leave this unanswered. So sorry you're feeling like this.
The thing that stood out for me is that he knew you didn't want to move but went ahead and did it anyway. Is he always like this? Is the whole relationship so unequal?
I guess what I'm asking is: is this just about not settling in straight away and feeling homesick? Or is your marriage as a whole, dodgy?

BertieBotts Mon 21-Sep-09 12:30:00

Hello swindonmum. You say you want to go "home" - are you meaning back to the place you lived before (ie because it is familiar) or do you have family you can go to be near, if not stay with? Have you got any friends from the old place you can confide in?

clumsymum Mon 21-Sep-09 12:38:26

You say how can I leave my husband.

Are you planning to go and leave your husband and children, or to uproot the kids again and take them back where you want to be, without their father? Would that be any better for them than their current situation?

I accept that you have not got yourself settled in Gloucester yet, perhaps you need to explore the city more? From my experience, it doesn't seem like a 'dump', and Cheltenham is lovely (my mum lives in that area).

I agree that you need to talk as a FAMILY about your situation. It's not a good move for any one to just make decision about where you should all live.

applepudding Mon 21-Sep-09 12:39:01

Did you feel unhappy in your marriage when you were living at your old home? Or was it just bearable because of the other friends you had there? I think if your problem is mainly that you are feeling lonely and concerned as to whether your children will settle in their new surroundings, then you need to give this more time. I'm sure that there are plenty of nice places in and around Gloucester and things for you and your children to do. Children can also be quite adaptable. I think that before you decide what to do you need to separate the problems in your relationship with your husband, from the shock at being in a new area.

muddleddaizy Mon 21-Sep-09 12:59:18

Swindonmum, I live in Glos. We moved here awhile back and although I am from here I have found it difficult to settle back in. Email me muddleddaizy at google mail dot com, if you'd like to meet up or just chat.

parkj83 Mon 21-Sep-09 14:21:18

Hey Swindonmum, I'm a swindon mum too

I don't really know what to say, but I kind of agree with some of the posts here - were you feeling unhappy/unbalanced in your marriage before you all moved, or is it just cos it's all new?

I'm useless at meeting people - we've lived in our house for 4 years, and I'm still only on brief waving terms with the neighbours. But DS and DH get on brilliantly well with the kids in the vicinity, they all go to play footie together.

Have you spoken to DH about how you feel now that you've all moved?

applepudding is right, kids do adapt.

Is there any reason why one DS is schooled in Glos, and t'other in Chelt?! (unless they're in different years/levels of schooling)

I can understand how you feel about sitting in traffic like that - that'd annoy me too!

Also, are the schools in Fairford/Faringdon grammar schools also (sorry, I don't know much about schools outside of Swindon!)

;) x

swindonmum Mon 21-Sep-09 18:45:50

Firstly thank you all for your replies

FabBakerGirlIsBack
I am absolutely pissed off with my husband for riding roughshod over my feelings. His reaction to my sugesstion that it is unreasonable to cause such an upheaval to all of us just because of a grammar school was, "It'll be alright. The kids will be fine and you'll get used to it." If it was a choice between sending the boys to a lousy school or a good one then I would have seen the point but we had the opportunity to send them to a great school and still have a nice life with no major upheaval.

clam
No our relationship was never this unequal before, but then we always seemed to agree. I could have put my foot down and refused to budge but I felt pressured by him labelling me as a bad mother. My children are my life and I would rather die than do wrong by them. I gave up my career to build a home for my family and be be there for my children. Now we have sold our lovely home that I worked so hard on and are now living in a rental where my neighbour thinks it's alright to let her dog out into the back garden to bark all evening and others think it is ok to let their dogs foul the pavement outside our house and leave it there. I am feeling homesick and that isn't likely to change as I hate it here so much. If I'm honest we had problems before we moved. My husband hasn't been interested in me as a
wife for years. I had two big babies and my stomache looks hideous now. I don't blame him for not wanting to go near that. I can't afford a tummy tuck, especially now, and the doctor can't help, so I'm stuck with it.

BertieBotts
Yes I do mean back to where I used to live. I was ok about moving out of town to somwhere closer to Fairford or to Faringdon but not this far away, to a place that has never appealed to me. I have never wanted a city life and it's not what I wanted for my children. All my friends live in or near Swindon and the only family I have there is my brother and sister-in-law who don't have kids (by choice). I couldn't stay with them with my children.

clumsymum
I would never leave my children. I thought I would be able to put up with things as they are until their schooling is finished, but 11 years is a long time. I want to be free from him but I can't bear the thought of breaking up our family and having to share custody. Either way it stinks but I may have more chance of being happy if I end my marriage. My youngest misses his school and friends very much. He has developed a nervous manarism which seems to be getting worse. Seeing me upset all the time won't be helping but try as I might, I can't pretend to be happy. It breaks my heart to see him upset. My other boy is quite shy and finds it hard to make friends easily. He would be at a different school anyway, so there is nothing I could do about that. Many of his school friends have gone on to independent schools in Oxfordshire. However, they could have stayed in touch if we hadn't moved so far away. He misses home too and says he would have been perfectly happy to have gone to one of the comprehensives closer to home.

Yes Cheltenham is nicer than Gloucester, but we can't afford to live there. We sold our home for a song, so we could be here in time for school starting and property prices around Cheltenham don't seem to have been too badly affected by the recession. I argued that we couldn't afford to move out here and he said "We'd just have to get a mortgage". So I signed on the dotted line. Now we are here he doesn't want to get a mortgage, So we won't be living in Cheltenham.

He is very keen on Churchdown because of the school there. We can't afford much there either. Meanwhile our capital is being eaten away by the rent we have to pay out each month. Everything is such a mess.

applepudding
You are right. Life was bearable because I had friends around me. Now they are over 30 miles away and I feel so desparately lonely. I have tried to talk to my husband about our relationship but it gets me nowhere. He can be very condesending which makes me want to scream. When I tell him how I feel he says I'm being silly or melodramatic. He doesn't do emotion (unless he's watching a rugby match)

muddleddaizy
I will email you soon.

parkj83
We lived in our house in Swindon for 9 years. We bought it from new, part of a brand new development of just 17 houses in a quiet close. I knew all my neighbours and we all got along brilliantly. All the kids played together either in the close or in each other's back gardens, or houses. It was really nice. One of my best friends, still lives there.

Yes I have spoken to him about how I feel, but he doesn't see what he can do. He just pats me on the knee and tells me to do my best.

One goes to school in Glos because he got a grammar place and the other goes to Cheltenham because he goes to an independent school there. The only independent in Glos is Kings which is pretty pricey.

No the schools in Fairford and Faringdon are just bog standard comprehensives with excellent OFSTED reports.
My husband looks at the league tables. I look at the OFSTED's

So much is wrong with my life right now, it's hard to think objectively. Your responses are really helpful,
Thank you.

clam Mon 21-Sep-09 18:59:56

Well, if you're looking to buy something with no mortgage at all then I'm not surprised that everywhere nice seems too expensive. How many people can buy outright these days? Surely you'd widen your options considerably by taking out a mortgage? But then, I guess you know this - it's him who's backed down.

If you know that you're a good mum and that your children are your life, why would you be so concerned by him saying you were a bad mother by not moving? Unless your self-esteem has been so eroded by the relationship over the years. Sounds like you allowed him to rail-road you into something that should have been a joint decision taken after a lot of thinking and deliberation and research.

But at least you haven't bought - rental properties are temporary, so you can make changes within months - if you can get him to listen.

tvaerialmagpiebin Mon 21-Sep-09 19:00:42

I live in Glos too. We have a Glos Mumsnet meetup group, and you would be most welcome to join us. here is the thread. smile

I am sorry you are feeling so bad. The schools in Glos are good - is he at Crypt or Tommies? If it is any consolation to you he will get a really good education at either of these. Gloucester is a bit grotty but I can assure you that it is a lot better now. Have you been to the new shopping place in the Docks?

Do get in touch if i can help any more with Glos things, and it would be lovely to meet you if you would like. (We aren't hairy truckers - honest!)

curiositykilled Mon 21-Sep-09 19:15:18

I think posting in AIBU might end up being a mistake as you may end up being flamed and you sound very sad atm

You do owe it yourself and your family to give your new life a proper go. Please don't just walk out, it's hard to go back when you've taken such a dramatic step and it doesn't sound like your mind is particularly clear atm to make this decision properly.

If there were problems in your marriage before the move it is likely that you might benefit from some couples counselling and this may help your husband understand how seriously you feel about this issue and others in your marriage.

It sounds to me as though you would benefit greatly from some personal counselling just for you. Is this something you have considered before? Perhaps a good way to start would be with this, as if you jump straight into couples counselling you might be feeling too down to assert yourself properly. Matter of fact men (sounds like your husband is one) often think counselling is silly and a sign of weakness. If he knows you are going and you let him think it is your 'weakness' rather than his initially then this may get him through the door. There's no way he'd continue to think this once you got into the counselling but it may help him to feel more open to the idea which will give it the best chance of working.

Perhaps get some counselling for yourself and then bring him into it or go to couples counselling when you feel confident enough. When you are feeling more able to cope you'll find it easier to address the problems in your marriage.

I hope you're not insulted by my suggestion that you try some counselling, it is my belief that having the right counsellor at the right time can really help turn things around when you are feeling negative about everything. There can be a stigma with it but almost everybody will benefit from having some counselling at some stage when they are going through a difficult time like this.

valhala Mon 21-Sep-09 19:18:10

You say your children are your life, you have one child in a grammar school (well done laddo!), and the other in independent, yet you're complaining?

Some women would kill to be able to give their children such a fantastic start in life.

Sometimes we have to make sacrifices and I'd like to think that in time those which you have made will be proven to be well worth it. If you leave, what have you or your children got to gain? More expense, more upheaval, tears and misery, a broken home....

My advice would be to stick it out and prove to your husband that you can make a better job of the move than he thought - or at the very least, be cynical, take his money, which provides your new home and for your children, see them thrive in good schools and smile sweetly while you do it. wink

pamelat Mon 21-Sep-09 19:36:50

I also think that posing in AIBU may be a biy tough on you, although so far everyone seems to have been nice.

Your OP makes you sound very upset but I don't think its fair to make sweeping generalisations about somewhere being a dump as you may offend people that live there (I don't).

I can imagine that you may not really care about that right now.

I would find it hard to leave behind my friends and family for a school, especially when there were perfectly good schools before (?)

That decision however has been made.

Maybe give it 6 months and make a list (geeky but effective) of what you want to have achieved in that time.

Do you love your husband? Being cross/angry and being out of love are v different.

Portofino Mon 21-Sep-09 19:51:47

valhala! hmm shock! Take his money and smile sweetly? What century is this?

Portofino Mon 21-Sep-09 20:00:46

Swindonmum, you've only been there a couple of months. If it was purely the move, I'd recommend that you try to get out and meet people. As someone who has moved a very long way from home due to DH's job, I know how hard it is to be away from family and friends. But you can make a new life.

Your unhappiness sounds much deeper than this. It looks like there are problems in your relationship too, which is only exacerbating things. If I were you, I would start by trying to get out and about a bit more. Try to stop feeling negatively about everything. Rather than dwelling on that, seek some new friends, new interests etc. Concentrate on yourself. See how things feel in a couple of months.

applepudding Mon 21-Sep-09 21:04:10

What I would suggest then is, firstly, keep in touch with your old friends. 30 miles away is near enough for you to be able to meet somebody for coffee/lunch once a week in between doing the school runs. Secondly, look to making some new friends where you are living. Lankyalto has suggested a mumsnet group, you could look for some part time work or voluntary work. Is there a club/class you could join? what are your hobbies/interests? Drama group? gym? church group? PTA at your child's school?

Give yourself a couple of months to see if you can make yourself happier in your new situation. You are then also giving your children a chance to adjust to their new lives. Hopefully that will put you in a stronger position to have a clear look at your marriage and whether it is worth saving.

valhala Mon 21-Sep-09 21:15:33

Portofino, its a century where I hope we don't sacrifice our kids' education on the altar of our principals.

Portofino Mon 21-Sep-09 22:00:17

Um valhala, the OP was perfectly clear that there were very good schools in her previous location. What "principles" are we talking about? Moving lock, stock and barrel away from family and friends to get a dc in the grammar school instead of the local Ofsted ourstanding school but <shock horror> the local comp - where the dcs were happy and had friends? Sounds like snobbery to me. Especially when noone else wanted to move.

Mazza09 Mon 21-Sep-09 22:23:41

It seems your husband has your children's schooling at heart - he wants them to have a good education presumably so that they have the best possible chance in life. Is it that you feel you weren't part of the decision making process? I'm sure you would want them to have as good an education as possible, maybe you wouldn't have gone to the extremes your husband went to, but you conceded, which meant you have a shared interest.

You clearly love your children and I understand you feel that you want to get away, do you think this would have a worse impact on them? By their family being split up? It might be really difficult but at least you are still one family unit - the only way to sort this is out is for you to speak to a professional. If you go to your GP and explain your situation (a local GP will be very helpful) and they can put you in touch with somebody inpartial who you can talk to. At least then you can get these feelings 'off your chest'. And hopefully, if you find that you're able to, you can confide in your husband how unhappy you are. The worst that can happen is he doesn't listen/ understand and if that happens maybe you need to consider going to RELATE the family support group.

Leaving your husband and splitting up the family without doing everything you possible can to try to make it work will affect your whole family, for the rest of their lives. It will affect the relationships your children go on to have and their perception of marriage.

I do understand that at times it can seem like there's no answer so we are driven to the extremes. Try to think of the next, smallest, most significant thing you can do towards resolving the situation.

Portofino Mon 21-Sep-09 22:34:37

Sorry - but reading this again, the OPs DH has uprooted the entire family from their home and friends, sold the house for a song, and now can't afford to buy in the new area, so that dc can go to Grammar School as opposed to the local Outstanding school. None of the other members of the family wanted to do this, but he has supposedly insisted. DW and DCs are all unhappy but have to make the best of it, as he has their best interests at heart! It is truly only me that thinks that he is a bit deranged!

Barrelofloves Mon 21-Sep-09 22:42:52

OMG I can't believe your dh wanted you moved away from a state comprehensive with an outstanding OFSTED! Faringdon got 85% grades A-C in the GCSEs recently which is brilliant for a non selective state school.

You know you are not a bad mother but your self esteem must be rock bottom if the threat of being called that made you submit to your dh's bullying.

You need to work on your self esteem and do things that can boost you. I really think you should try and be positive but I think that will be difficult, you sound depressed.

But first of all, have a chat wiith your dh or write your thoughts down (e mail him) saying that you are going to return with the children and that using the threat of being a bad mother is defamous and you will use it in court against him if he continues to mentally abuse you.

But you need confidence for this plan which you don't have, but are you up for it?

Start your action plan as being in control may be the boost you need!

Good luck!

elastamum Mon 21-Sep-09 22:49:28

hi swindonmum, i know just how you feel. My ex and I uprooted us for his job, moved us all miles up the country whilst having an affair then left us all 2 weeks before the kids started their new school! It was awful, a year later it is still hard for me but the kids are settling. Have got a job and am trying to move back but have only just got my divorce and cant sell the house yet. Am hanging in there hoping one day I might get my life back. I wouldnt do anything rash, maybe get a counsellor, this really helped me move forwards, so much so that I am thinking of going back to her. Good luck smile

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