...to be pissed off by this? (Health Warning: this thread is full of boring domestic crap)

[MrsMerryHenry]

This morning DS wakes up at 6.20am (usual waking time: 7am). I roll out of bed, having had crap night's sleep - preg hormones or something have killed my sleep these days, grr. I go to DS and shut own bedroom door so DH can sleep.

20 mins later DH gets up and after telling him how crap my night was (he had a crap night too) he offers to look after DS so I can get extra sleep. We agree that he will wake me at 7.45 so I can leave at 8.30 to take DS to nursery.

7.45 - DH wakes me. I shower, etc.

8.25 - I go downstairs for quick breakfast, DH goes upstairs to start work. This is what I find:

• DH has given DS breakfast. That's all. DS is still unwashed and in his pyjamas.
• Dirty breakfast things, crumbs, food spills and play things are all over the dining table. Fyi I work from home, and the dining table is my work space.
• Every kitchen surface is completely covered with the dirty dishes that were in the sink overnight - DH has half-started the washing-up, and left the entire kitchen in a tip so that there's not an inch of space for me to make my breakfast. Has also left bowl of rinsing water on a stool by the garden door. We have had countless conversations/ arguments during which I have told him that leaving the kitchen in this state is bloody inconsiderate and a huge inconvenience to me. He still does it.

AIBU to expect DH to have cleared up the kitchen before scarpering upstairs, and also to have spent a little more time getting DS dressed and ready for nursery and a little less time playing trains and drawing pictures?



I will talk with him again about this but I just wanted to let off steam first.

[MamaG]

YANBU at all. HE must have been up with him for, what, an hour? In that hour he could easily have breakfasted, cleaned up, got DS ready adn still had time fo ra bit of a play.

Yes it was good that he let you go back to bed, but he still left you with a load of work!

Serious words are needed.

[DoingTheBestICan]

I think YAB a teeny bit U, he thought he was doing you a favour letting you sleep in a while longer & maybe your ds was in a playing mood & wanted your dh to play with him?

Maybe ds wanted to come upstairs to see you & dh was keeping him 'busy' so you could rest.

You have my sympathies with the dirty kitchen though,thats my one pet hate,i like a clean kitchen.

Hope your day gets better now.

[randomtask]

My DH has learnt that if he leaves the kitchen in that state and I go to do breakfast/cooking etc it will put me in a bad mood. If I'm being grumpy in the evenings it's nearly always that it's taken me 30 mins to clear enough space to prepare dinner (we have the worlds tiniest kitchen). He's starting to learn it makes his arrival at home nicer if he's been a bit tidier.

Totally not being unreasonable in my opinion!!

Have you considered putting it somewhere then moving it back when he gets in so he can tidy?!

[MrsMerryHenry]

Actually, MamaG, it was nearly two hours.

Doing, you're far more generous than I am. DC's are always in a playing mood, aren't they? If I can get him dressed (in less than 2hrs), I don't see why DH can't.

[OtterInaSkoda]

I take it he was playing trains and drawing pictures with your ds

Introduce him to the FLY lady. Oh, and YANBU.

[MmeLindt]

YABU, a wee bit.

He did let you go back to bed and you were able to get showered and dressed in peace.

He should have tidied up the kitchen, and got DS dressed though, he had plenty of time. I do understnad why you are annoyed.

[MrsMerryHenry]

randomtask - I've left it all in the sink again. I do now follow the 'you mess it up; you tidy it up' approach but it's still so infuriating that I have to deal with this. If I'd been passive aggressive and not ever spoken to him about it, I would have to accept some responsibility for the fact that things aren't changing. But we have talked endlessly about it - once had a blazing row (not common in our household) after which we made an agreement that I would stack the dishes neatly in the sink, and that he would stop covering the kitchen with all the dishes.

Oh, and I do ALL the cooking. Which I'm happy about; I enjoy it and he doesn't. But that's why it makes me so angry that he inconveniences me so much in this way.

Are we doomed to argue about this for the rest of our lives?

[InThisSequinBraYesYouOlaJordan]

It's hard isn't it - on the one hand he was kind by taking DS and giving you extra time, but then, it's not actually wholly YOUR job anyway, so, maybe less kind and more fair IYSWIM. But then, I find, whenever my DH takes care of the kids then that is all he does, not any of the other domestic stuff. So, say for example, I am tutoring or doing Sainsburys, he has been playing with the kids - and that's lovely for them and him. But the chores still need to be done, and so I do them - and never get the chance to play with the kids! I do find myself thinking "You are "fun" Daddy and I am "not fun" Mummy". But then perhaps he has the right idea and puts the kids first - or maybe he's just lazy... It's a difficult one, I feel your pain - made worse by that being your working area too. No advice, just sympathy.

[DoingTheBestICan]

Could you not buy a dishwasher? Or would you argue over who has to fill/empty it?

[pooexplosions]

He did her a favour and let her go back to bed? Yet again yer man does a half assed bit of a job and gets praise for helping his wife out?

Of course he should have cleaned up, same as she should have done if she had been up first. Its a no brainer, anybody should have done it. If my DH had done the same (which he wouldn't, he's tidier and cleaner than me), I would have been roaring up the stairs for him to come back down and sort it out.

YANBU.

[Sassybeast]

YABU. Your little boy has had fun playing trains and drawing pictures with daddy. Presmably if he's at nursery, you can go back to bed and catch up on some sleep. The washing up can wait - it's not worth getting stressed about. Give both of you a break - kids don't remeber their childhood in terms of how clean the kitchen was.

[SoupDragon]

Clearly YABU - he did exactly what he offered to do (leave you in bed and look after DS - in fact you could argu that he'd dome a bit more since he also fed him). You need to me more specific: look after DS, feed him, clean him, dress him and TIDY UP AFTER YOURSELF ought to do it Perhaps issue a written list next time since he clearly lacks the initiative to sort it himself.

I am a little surprised you spent 35 minutes showering etc though and it was a little naive of you to arrive downstairs with 5 minutes to spare, expecting everything to be hunkydory...

[InThisSequinBraYesYouOlaJordan]

I've just read that back (Use preview post ITSBTTOJ!!!!) and would clarify that when I discuss domestic chores I mean very much the essential cooking, washing, clearing up stuff, not polishing silver, donkey-stoning front step, um, dusting etc. I am only putting the essential before playing with DS's not the fine stuff!

[randomtask]

Oh DH and I talk about this too (once I've calmed down). Generally he gets in before me and has cleaned up by the time I get in but sometimes he doesn't.... He is getting better so keep trying! DH does do a lot of the cooking too (normally due to getting home before me) but I would say 90% of my losing my rag at home is kitchen related!

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

He let her go back to bed? Bloody hell.

There is no benefit in a few minutes extra sleep if she is then stressed out by a messy kitchen.

There is no reason at all he couldn't have done everything that needed doing and that means he made a choice to not do it.

[MrsMerryHenry]

Sassybeast: "Presmably if he's at nursery, you can go back to bed and catch up on some sleep" - Hah! If only! I've already said that I have to work!

SoupDragon - perhaps you're right. Initiative is clearly not happening here. Although actually I only spent 10 mins in shower (extra-long shower as DH was using the hot water downstairs, making my shower run cold).

Did I fail to mention, by the way, that DH asked me to collect DS from nursery today as he has a heavy workload? And of course I'll have to find the time to cook dinner.

I think what we need in this household is some role-reversal for a day. I will do the nursery pick-up, having left the kitchen covered in dishes and pans, I will also leave our breakfast plates all over his desk in the office plus my elaborate drawings of trains; I'll build a train set on the floor of the office so he needs to clear it up before he can even move, and then I'll make sure he knows he has to do a full day's work and get dinner ready for 6.30.

[MrsMerryHenry]

No room for a dishwasher, more's the pity.

[MichKit]

YANBU, do we share a DH by the way... my DH is exactly the same. So I get a small lie-in over the weekend... wake up and the whole house is a tip, DD is still in her jammies, DH still in his dressing gown and there are toys everywhere. Grrrrrrr!!! There goes the weekend.

[MichKit]

Oh, and I don't let him cook dinner, because I can't face the stress of cleaning up after him... kitchen in one huge mess afterwards!

[SoupDragon]

I genuinely think a lot of men (not all and some women probably) can't see/do lots of tasks at once - he said he'd take DS downstairs and look after him so that's all he did. The fact that this should also involve doing X Y and Z didn't occur to him.

[MrsMerryHenry]

Cyradis - I actually got into the shower around 8 (searching for stuff in my overnight back as I'd been away at weekend), then (do you really need details?!) shaved my underarms - slower with an electric shaver - and then cleaned the loo + washbasin before getting dressed. Oh, the irony.

[colditz]

Do you have anywhere to go apart from dropping your ds off at nursery? Do you have to go to work? If you are a SAHM with a child at nursery, really I think you should be sorting the kitchen out later.

I don't TOUCH the kitchen first thing in the morning, and I wouldn't take kindly to anyone insisting I get up at 6.30 before I start work and having to wash up!

[colditz]

Oh, you're working?

Rethink then ...

Just leave it. The whole mess, all of it. When you get in from work, go directly to bed, do not pass the kitchen, do not touch the sink (you may grab yourself a sandwich) but leave the rest to him!