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to feel uneasy about an 11 year old boy visiting a non-relative in prison?

(9 Posts)
LittleWhiteWolf Sat 19-Sep-09 20:19:21

I really am torn about this.

On the one hand, I work in a prison which actively encourages visits and I know the good they can do with the inmate so am all for visits.

BUT the inmate in question is nearly 21 and in Reading YOI. The person visiting him is my 18 year old SIL and their 2 1/2 year old son, which is fine, she is an adult after all. The fact that he beat her to a pulp more than once is clearly by the by to her hmm but enabling him to see his son is perhaps her being very decent, I dont know. As I said she is an adult so its not my place to complain.

However today we hear that she wants to take her and DHs 11 year old brother in to see the inmate too. I find this a bit disturbing as the inmate has very severe issues and is a lifer in prison for stabbing someone he thought was dating SIL when they had broken up in a jealous rage. BIL says he wants to see inmate because he "wants to" with no actual reasons cited, although I understand if he doesnt want to share this with them. DH is very concerned and doesnt want him to go. MIL is a usless mother at the best of times and has merely said she doesnt understand why he wants to go but she doesnt want her 9 year old daughter to go. The reasons behind this likely being that she doesnt get on with BIL and he goes into violent rages when he doesnt get his way, so she's giving in for the quiet life. His father (or at least the man everyone believes to be his father...sigh...) has no opinion whatsoever beyond "well, its his choice".

This whole thing has made my blood boil; I am no against prisoners being rehabilitated and visits can help with this; its more the callous attitude of people who supposedly love him, letting BIL go into an enviroment which is potentially dangerous. I know visits are a generally safe time within the prison, but I also know young offenders are the most volatile of all inmates, often with fewer regards of the result of their actions. DH as I've said is furious but feels totally impotent as we can do nothing more than share our opinion. We have done this (in a civil manner I hasten to add!) and already we have become the bad guys in this situation.

Sigh, needed to vent really, but what do you all think? AIBU?

MsHighwater Sat 19-Sep-09 21:50:38

YANBU to feel uneasy. Not easy to see what you can do about it, though. Is it the 9yo who "goes into violent rages when he doesn't get his way"? I suppose it would particularly worry me that a 9yo with that kind of behaviour wanted to go and visit an inmate who is not already a close relative. What kind of relationship, if any, did the boy have with the inmate before?

littleducks Sat 19-Sep-09 21:56:38

ok i got confused sand read a few times

but they are relatives arent they (not blood but)

11 year old boy is sils bro, making sils dh his bil? No?

LittleWhiteWolf Sat 19-Sep-09 22:09:16

Sorry, I dont think I explained myself very well in my irritation!

Right, SIL is 18 and is not married to the inmate, never has been and broke up with him before he got sent down. She has dated another chap since, which has ended, but is not together with the inmate. BIL is 11 and bears no relation to inmate at all. Inmate has been in prison for well over a year and this is the first time BIL has even mentioned him. Personally I am concerned about the similarities between inmate and BIL in terms of violent tempers (as you mentioned MsH). Apparently inmate has expressed a desire to see BIL, which I find weird as they had a very brief friendship a few years ago, before Inmate became violent and got heavily into alcohol and drugs and, well, random acts of violence. This friendship was limited to inmate taking BIL to the field to play football once for 10 mins and twice playing video games with him.

Its true there is nothing we can do, but DHs family are acting like this is normal--inmate is the first 'family' member (i use this loosely) in prison, so i would have thought they would be a bit hesitant about sending all and sundry in.

I can't help but feel BIL is partly going so that he can impress him peers at school as he is a few weeks into secondary school. BIL
is very much into acting hard and tough, and I also think saying his has a friend on the 'inside' will ward off any bullying attempts which we know he is concerned about.

Its very complicated and I feel for BIL. sad

littleducks Sat 19-Sep-09 22:49:48

Ok sorry all the IL stuff threw me

I would be concerned, as 'inmate' and bil had no relationship and as its a youth offenders place and bil is at secondary school i would be worried that 'inmate' wants to use bil in some way, to pass on messages or anything (if prison is in same locality as school)

But i think you can prob only express your opinion and not do much else

LittleWhiteWolf Sat 19-Sep-09 23:07:11

Yeah, I think so too. I think I just needed to vent and make sure I hadnt taken leave of my sanity and that it really was a weird and strange thing.
The visit is tomorrow.

NoahDear Sat 19-Sep-09 23:08:10

its not right
go wiht gut

MsHighwater Sun 20-Sep-09 23:11:45

Sorry, just realised I have put "9yo" instead of "11yo" - no idea why. Doesn't change the fact that I'd be alarmed at the idea.

LynetteScavo Sun 20-Sep-09 23:28:21

I think it's all down to BIL wanting to look hard infront of his mates.

There's nothing you can do though, is there? sad

Do you think this might be an education for him what the consequence is for violent behaviour? [trying to look on the bright side]

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