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to think we are being punished for living else where

(16 Posts)
beaniesinthebucketagain Sat 19-Sep-09 18:30:50

Relations with the pils are tense to say the least, they just dont bother with us, see all mil threads and youll see im about and my mil is the same, she is unbelievably difficult,

anyway, long story short, Me and DP met through a friend hes from midlands im near felixstowe, anyways he chose to move and i can hand on my heart say i never asked, we were 17 and 19 when he decided, we are now very happy have a 2yo and 10mnth old and try VERY hard to keep relations and them involved, i send pics/videos etc, kids have picks of in laws in bedroom and we say night night, etc, basically one of the 3 bils blames me for 'stealing his brother' sad, we arent invited to partys, not even considered at xmas, and they had a family holiday all kids and grandkids and we found out when they sent a post card, and sil is now getting married next year, she is just 19!!! and shes having evil bils 3 kids and another nephew of ours, and all her DF neices nephews in the wedding, but not our children! weve always got on well with sil and her oh but this has knocked me for six and hurt dp alot! my best friend has asked for my two as bridesmaid and pageboy and aparently thats why theyve not been asked, well sil asked people last year, my friend asked last week, AIBU to be offended??

beaniesinthebucketagain Sat 19-Sep-09 18:35:22

out of sight out of mind seems to be the case

beaniesinthebucketagain Sat 19-Sep-09 19:01:54


im trying to keep an upset dp calm but im fuming myself i need advice, and before any one sayes it, I DONT expect my children to be a part but when they are the ONLY ones that are neice and nephew that arent included, thats just plain mean, and yes theres ones younger than them included too!

beaniesinthebucketagain Sat 19-Sep-09 19:13:54

ok im a thread killer then

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 19-Sep-09 19:16:58

You don't get on with your in-laws, but you live a fair distance away so mostly it doesn't matter. Your DC are not invited to - what? The wedding itself, or to be flowergirls and so on?

StewieGriffinsMom Sat 19-Sep-09 22:05:15

Message withdrawn

2rebecca Sat 19-Sep-09 22:10:45

If your kids are invited to the wedding then if you hardly see your inlaws why are you bothered at them not having your kids as page boys. I would never consider having a 2y and 10month old having "roles" at a wedding. If they aren't invited that's unreasonable. Just get on with your life and socialise with friends.
Saying night night to a photo sounds a bit ott. Are you trying to hard to make up for the distance?

beaniesinthebucketagain Sat 19-Sep-09 23:06:49

im trying to help my children know who they are, it causes alot of uncomfortable moments when ds and dd cry if theyre picked up etc, im doing my best, despite my issues with them, theyre there family, he has a collage of pics of the whole family, he first said night to it when daddy was away and it developed from that, he just names people. I am trying hard im really close with my mum and whole family really and its hard for DP to see, theyve said no other children in the church except those 'in the wedding' how do we attend then, take someone up there as babysitter, ive told dp theyre making it difficult so we dont go, which having looked at it may be best, im through wasting time and energy on people who occasionally appear say they miss us and then vanish for months on end without so much as a text.
We were close to his sister and theyve visited more than most, which is why were hurt i guess, they told us they only had the other nephew so as not to cause upset, obviously we are known to just ignore and move on, dont know why i even gave them the time of day posting on here

moondog Sat 19-Sep-09 23:09:16

Beanies, your posts are rather difficult to read because of lack of paragraphs and punctuation.

expatinscotland Sat 19-Sep-09 23:18:38

he moved away.

this happens when you move away.

get over it.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 20-Sep-09 00:37:07

beaniesinthebucketagain, you don't need to take your Dc to a wedding for them to "know who they are". If you live a long way from other family members, it may simply not be practical for your DCs to be "part of the wedding" - there are dress fittings and stuff to consider.

Have you any other reason to think your DH's family want to exclude you?

2rebecca Sun 20-Sep-09 08:08:32

I think excluding a relative's children is unreasonable, although plenty of people do that. If the wedding is some distance away and you have a 10 month old baby I would see that as excluding me and would just send my husband.
I do understand them not including tint tots and babies in the wedding party itself though. The number of children she is including in the wedding party sounds OTT and chaotic. She'd have been better just inviting them as guests. If 1 or 2 bridesmaids of older kids that's fair enough. Excluding your kids with at least 6 other relatives invited sounds unfair.
If you want a child free wedding seems silly to have so many in the wedding party itself.

bubblagirl Sun 20-Sep-09 08:28:19

i think it goes way beyond the wedding here but an important family event that again they feel excluded from

i think if he is close to his family your dh should sit them down and explain how your feeling to arrange more that they come stay and visit and you them etc

was there tension between them in the first place and is this why he moved away?

could there be more done to meet in middle rather than just say they dont bother in the parents mind could they also be feeling the same that you dont bother?

unless you sit and talk you may both be thinking something that isnt there you need to sit and talk and see if you can work something out

does he phone his parents much to keep lines of communication open? do they feel there not needed as your close to your family? they could be feeling as left out as you but unless you talk you wont know this

ssd Sun 20-Sep-09 08:31:33


thats sounds very hurtful and you sound a nice and thoughtful person sad

can you have it out with sil?

bubblagirl Sun 20-Sep-09 08:34:24

i also have to be honest dp is not near his mum and we have good relationship with my parents and his poor mum gets left out alot too not because we mean too but life is still going on for us every day and the good intentions can easily be forgotten i try to text send pics speak on phone but i know she feels left out

our relationship is very close but we all feel sad that our relationship cant be more but thats the distance between us as long as the other person is made to still feel needed she knows my family are not more important just closer and she feels sad to not have the relationship with her grandson but is over the moon with the things i do to keep her informed and when we do visit i let her have quality time with my ds they speak on the phone he draws her pics that we send etc

but its easy for both people to feel sorry for themselves and blame each other this is where you need to talk and open the channels of communication set things straight

men imho dont tend to make much effort with there parents well not my dp i have to make sure he is calling his mum or texting so it would be easy for the parent to feel not needed now

groundhogs Sun 20-Sep-09 09:22:55

IF you WANT to go to the wedding, then perhaps just grow a really thick skin and just take the DC anyway. Excluding a 10m old and a 2yo when she has all the other kiddies, is just daft, so daft in fact that you could just laugh and say Oh I didn't think you meant to exclude my 2... LOL!

If you DON'T want to go to the wedding, use it as an excuse to have a great big huff, be mortally offended and say 'Up Yours!' to the entire brood.

Keep in touch with the SIL and all the others that are pleasant to be with etc. Ditch the others.

I think that considering the stuff that you have gone through with the inlaws, you have made a herculean effort to get along with them, and after all this time, and your effort, somehow you could construe that your kids have been snubbed from the wedding. If it suits you to exploit that, then do so.

Beat the buggers at their own game, remain as huffy as you wish to, for as long as you wish to.

If they have to creep and crawl around you to have contact etc, you can revel in that, if they don't make the effort, then they are not worth being in your inner circle of family. Send birthday cards, printed photos etc, sent from your DH, DC etc, but otherwise don't bother with them.

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