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Or maybe a bit hormonal about buying 2nd hand baby items.

(44 Posts)
PrammyMammy Fri 18-Sep-09 13:06:06

Be honest, i can take it :P

I am 40+3 and have been ready for dc2 for a few months. We have a 20mo ds already so had moses basket, cot, blankets, sheets, clothes etc.
I swapped my single Quinny pushchair for a 2nd hand Phil and Teds so could use as a double or a single.
A friend of my parents was having a clear out of baby items and passed a wooden swinging crib and a baby changing unit come bath onto us.
So pretty much ALL the big things have been used by another baby. But are all in lovely condition and have been well looked after and not abused at all.

So here is my problem (WARNING it involved PILs) -
Yesterday at 2.10 i got a text from mil saying she was coming through, was just leaving. I waited in till 4pm but after no sign of them i went to my sisters with money i owed her. When i got back an hour later, fil was sleeping, mil was sitting with her arms crossed, ds and dp were playing on the floor with blocks. DS came up and sat on my knee, dp went and made tea, but no one spoke. They sat in silence for 2 hours, this was over tea time. While i made ds his tea, cleaned up, and started getting him ready for bath. Then they got up to leave.
After saying bye, dp was outside with them for a good half hour, while i bathed ds, dried his hair, got his pjs on and he was crying for bed by the time dp came back in.

It turns out that before i came in DP had told them about the swinging crib and that a lady on freecycle gave us covers for it, and they were not happy that their gc was going to have 2nd hand things, even the moses basket that was only used 4 months by ds. They were disgusted that the pram was 2nd hand and offered dp 200 pounds to buy new things. DP refused. But i am sooo angry because they sat here for 2 hours and didn't speak a word to me, or ds. Obviously there was a problem and maybe we could have spoken about it, but instead everything was said behind my back.
We are not well off or poor. DP works full time and i work pt (but am on mat leave). We bought all new with DS, and it still looks new tbh.
We are moving house, and the new house needs a lot of work, all new floors and a kitchen to start, so what we are saving on baby things is getting well used else where.

I am sitting wondering what i will say next time i see them. Should i just pretend i don't know, or should i give mil text saying i'm really not happy at how she dealt with her problem?

Morloth Fri 18-Sep-09 13:09:29

Hah! My new bubba is going to have about 90% 2nd hand things. Who cares? As long as it is clean and in good nick it really doesn't matter. The baby certainly doesn't care and they need so much of that stuff for such a short period of time that it is madness to buy new if you can at all get away with it.

Your MIL is just being silly, I would ignore.

piprabbit Fri 18-Sep-09 13:10:23

FFS - you are being sensible buying secondhand.
200 pounds wouldn't begin to cover buying all the things you need for a baby if you are only going to buy brand new.
I don't think I'd raise this as an issue with them, unless they bring it up again. But maybe make some comment about how the house is going to cost a lot and you are really proud of yourself to be finding ways of saving money.

belgo Fri 18-Sep-09 13:11:08

What strange behaviour from your in laws. I would just ignore it, and pretend I don't know anything about why they are behaving so strangely.

I would be furious at DP though for refusing the 200 pounds!

Harimosmummy Fri 18-Sep-09 13:12:11

FFS!! How petty!

I get DCs clothes from freecycle, charity shops or ebay... The cots and buggies all came from Ebay...

And I am pretty sure I'd be considered relatively well off in the grand scheme of things.

I wouldn't fight them about it - they are entitled to their views - but I'd ask them to put all the money they would spend on new equipment into a bank account for their DGC.

My mum does struggle at times with my ability to buy so much in charity shops, but she puts money for my two away each month and, when they are older, they are SOOO going to appreciate not having designer clothes when they were younger, but having cash NOW.

Morloth Fri 18-Sep-09 13:13:05

Oh no belgo that sounds like 200 quid that would come with strings for sure!

ChilloHippi Fri 18-Sep-09 13:13:48

There is NOTHING at all wrong with second hand things. Babies use things for such a short period of time that most things are practically new anyway. And second hand is better for the environment too.
TBH £200 wouldn't go very far anyway. It certainly wouldn't buy you a new Phil and Ted!
If I were you I would send a text saying that you feel saddened that they didn't feel comfortable to discuss things with you, and that you appreciate their offer but will have to turn it down as you now have everything that you need for the baby. I wouldn't mention the second hand things in the text.

2kidzandi Fri 18-Sep-09 13:15:03

Ignore them. They're being a bit precious and very childish. If you're moving house you're right to try and save. That's just wise. And babies go through stuff really quickly as you know from your first DS. The new house is important. Getting rid of perfectly good 2nd hand stuff and spending extra money on new just to make PIL feel better isn't.

nickschick Fri 18-Sep-09 13:15:05

I think if I were you Id leave it your baby will have lovely things regardless of whether they are new or not and I think its probably the fact the PIL are of a generation where seconhand equated to second best hand me downs.

If its mentioned to you Id say that you were happy using things that had been in your family as it gives you nice memories and is cost effective but when you move if they still would like to treat the new dg perhaps they could buy flooring for the bedroom?

How the hell did you cope with silence for 2 hours????? id have had to say something.

Harimosmummy Fri 18-Sep-09 13:15:55

Oh, I would definitely let them know you know.

It's important that they realise that their son communicates with his wife. Even if they choose not to.

nappyaddict Fri 18-Sep-09 13:16:45

I would say to her DP told me you were unhappy about us having second hand things for the baby. Explain that whilst you appreciate their concern there's really no need for it as everything is in excellent condition and you would never give your baby anything that was dirty or broken and not up to scratch. Mention that DP said they'd offered to give you £200 and that he'd refused at the time because he wanted to check it was ok with you first. Then (if it is ok with you) say it's a very generous offer and we would be really grateful for it so we can put it in a bank account for the baby or put it away for when the baby is a bit older and needs different stuff.

diddl Fri 18-Sep-09 13:18:02

Whose baby is it?

And if most is what you bought for your first, why would you be replacing it?

I wouldn´t say anything to her about it, or text.

And I wouldn´t mention it next time you see her either.

mustsleep Fri 18-Sep-09 13:18:16

I totally agree with other posters!! I have infact had to buy second hand all of lo's birthday pressie this year cos things are so tight.

tbh they've got a damn sight more than they would have if I'd bought them brand new and they can't tell the difference anyway

Nearly all of my buggies (I've had a few grin) have been second hand as long as they don't smell smoky I can't see a problem

abra1d Fri 18-Sep-09 13:19:27

Ignore them.

Are they from a culture that has a taboo about secondhand clothes. Don't mean to cause offence, but I just wondered.

Also, some people from poorer backgrounds who've worked very hard to pull themselves into more a more prosperous situation can be particularly sensitive about secondhand clothes and goods.

abra1d Fri 18-Sep-09 13:20:27

Not implying that your PILs are poor or were once, btw...

PrammyMammy Fri 18-Sep-09 13:26:51

Wow that was quick!
I am so glad that people seem to agree. I know 200 pounds wouldn't go far at all towards new things. Especially a pushchair.

Thing is, DS wears mostly 2nd hand clothes, that is why i was giving my sister money, i had just used her PP to buy ds some clothes from a lady on here, and they have never commented before.
They even dragged DPs pram from the loft to use at their house when ds was born. So it is a new problem that they have created.

LOL i read to ds for a bit then we went out and brought the washing in, then made dinner and started getting ready for bath. FIL was sleeping and mil just sat there.

LimburgseVlaai Fri 18-Sep-09 13:27:12

Agree with NappyAddict: better to talk to them about it, because MIL sounds like the kind of person who would nurse a stupendous grudge - not good for future relations.

Romanarama Fri 18-Sep-09 13:31:24

I offered loads of baby stuff in good nick (Baby Bjorn things etc) to the wife of a very junior member of my team, who can't possibly be very well off - she's not working and I know what his not-v-generous salary is. She refused everything as wanted all brand new. It is her pfb though. I thought she was nuts.

Firawla Fri 18-Sep-09 14:13:52

Maybe just get dh to say something, im sure they will forget about the issue soon and just go back to normal. You dont really need to discuss it with them as dont need their permission to use 2nd hand clothes or items. As long as its good condition, not dirty/broken whats the problem?
I had similar-ish situation with mil too, well not sat in silence for 2 hrs but we had some 2nd hand for ds and clearly she didnt approve of it, but unless she was told she wouldnt have known those things were 2nd hand, so was more annoyed with the one who told her. but now for ds2 she suggested 2nd hand stuff, and told us off for buying new furniture in our house that we should have got 2nd hand (wasnt expensive it was only argos), so it seems some people cant make their mind up.
i would just ignore them and get what you want, either 2nd hand or new

colditz Fri 18-Sep-09 14:15:34

I think your attitude is fab. I grew up having second hand clothes, although my parents copuld afford new. I didn''ty give a crap.

colditz Fri 18-Sep-09 14:16:00

And I agree that it's not something that is up for discussion.

lizziemun Fri 18-Sep-09 14:45:31

Either ignore or ask them for the full price of a P&T's, because i bet they have no idea how expensive they are.

FWIW My DS (no3) is wearing all hand me down's today. Vest has done dd1 & 2 as there is nothing worng with it (and who going to know it pink and yellow striped) T-shirt and jeans i bought from a freind.

Why waste money on clothes which are not needed or will get any wear out of them. DS is just 6mths and already 6-9mths tousers at his ankles I wouldn't be able to afford to keep buying new the rate he growing.

I have passed all dd's out grown clothes onto someone who is very grateful for them.

TheProvincialLady Fri 18-Sep-09 14:54:02

I would make a huge point of telling MIL who gave you each and every thing that your new baby is wearing...and how many times it has been used before. But that is just meblush

I can't understand this silliness about second hand things. It smacks of snobbisness and insecurity. I can afford to buy things new but I often buy second hand becase it's cheaper (well dur), better for the world and you can often get better quality things than you would normally be able to afford. And who the frick can tell anyway, once it is out of the bag?

lisianthus Fri 18-Sep-09 15:10:09

How incredibly rude of them! I would probably have let my sense of humour get the better of me and started waving my hand in front of your MIL saying "Helloo-oo", so well done on keeping your face straight.

Unless you desperately need the money (which you don't appear to do), I would also recommend that you don't take it. As someone else said above, it seems that it would come with a lot of strings.

And you are doing well to start your little one off with thrifty ways!

groundhogs Fri 18-Sep-09 15:33:11

Yes, keep 'mum'... let DH deal with his silly inlaws, sounds like you both have perfect perspective on the pil....

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