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to want DH to grow up and stop acting like a 17 yr old??

(31 Posts)
DeathbyDora Fri 18-Sep-09 10:37:03

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Lovemyshoes Fri 18-Sep-09 10:43:43

Does he not have to work today?

If not, if I were you, I would make as much noise as possible so that it is impossible for him to get some sleep and leave the dc with him (if they are not at school) and go for a nice lunch somewhere.

Tortington Fri 18-Sep-09 10:47:30

i think its ok to go out every once in a while and get shitfaced.

the issue is that you don't and therefore you find it disrespectful, i understand this.

However i don't think its marriage breaking point if on a not to regular basis one goes out and gets steaming.

diddl Fri 18-Sep-09 10:50:39


IMO, it´s totally unreasonable.
Does he know it´s possible to drink without passing out?

I agree with Lovemyshoes-make as much noise as possible, and then when the children are home, go out.

DeathbyDora Fri 18-Sep-09 10:58:00

There is a history of alcohol in his family and I know he has tried hard to restrain himself. That's why I have tried to help and support him. He just doesn't seem to have any self control once he's out.

I think it's one thing to go out on a bender every now and again but another to have the children (4 and 2) find him face down on the floor with all his clothes on? (AND suspicious puddles of unpleasant liquids on the floor...) How do I explain to DD on her way to school why daddy was snoring on the garage floor?

This has been a very regular thing throughout our marriage and has really eaten away at my feelings for him, to the point where now I'm not even sure I have any left.

Thanks for the advice ladies...think I'll get the hoover out smile

Tortington Fri 18-Sep-09 11:00:14

its one thing to pass out - its another to piss yourself. urgh!

if it has been a fairly regular occurance, i can see why you are feeling that way.

DrunkenDaisy Fri 18-Sep-09 11:00:44

How often does it happen?

If it's only once a year then let it go. I bet you're not perfect.

clumsymum Fri 18-Sep-09 11:00:48

I think it's fine to go out now and then, I think it's fine to stay out late. I think it's okay to get a little bit squiffy.

But getting shitfaced on a regular/frequent basis is utterly unacceptable.

I like a drink, enjoy a night out. I occasionally get merry (if dh and I have agreed on driving and stuff in advance). I have only been shitfaced twice in my life, both times it was accidental, and I learnt my lesson.
In the 17 years we have been together, I have only seen dh REALLY pissed on a couple of occasions. One was accidental, once was an "I don't give a shit" occasion just after his mother died.

We both know that it isn't funny for the person you live with. Getting shitfaced is basically humiliating and stupid (more so if you do it with work colleagues), and it's bad for your health. It should certainly not be something that you should be proud of doing.

I would certainly not want ds to see either of us pissed, and get pretty annoyed with my sister when she does it while we're staying at hers.

In your shoes, I'd be very cross with your DH indeed.

AngelaCarleen Fri 18-Sep-09 11:04:15

My DH does this, although only very occasionally, but he (because we don't have kids just yet) gets me to go pick him up and bring him home at 3am (tried not doing it once and ended up driving around at 5am searching the streets for him) angry. To be honest he is genuinely sorry in the morning and doesn't set out to do it. How is your DH when he comes round, sorry or not? I would be very annoyed if mine wasn't, and could see exactly where you're coming from if your DH doesn't give a rats that he's upset you.
Ooh, I second making loads of noise (I start playing the piano, really loud), but make sure you hide the nurofen wink.

AngelaCarleen Fri 18-Sep-09 11:05:54

Sorry cross-posted. Peeing himself is totally not on, neither is your dd finding him like that. Yuk. Poor you. sad

LuluMaman Fri 18-Sep-09 11:07:33

I think being drunk to the point of passing out and pissing yourself and your children finding you is horrendous, even as a one off.

this sounds like a straw that broke the camel's back, rather than the start of something, there are obvioulsy issues you both need to work through together, and you feel he does not respect you , whihc makes it difficult to want to be with him

you need to sit him down and talk, but not untl he is over his hangover.

DeathbyDora Fri 18-Sep-09 11:09:39

Happens whenever he goes out with work colleagues, at least once a month. Used to be a lot more! The other thing is the only place he would have been until that time is the casino. He moans about the money we are spending on getting the new baby's room ready yet happily hands his Barclaycard over at the blackjack table.

I'm not being superior, I love a drink or three myself (when not pg!) but finding him in that state is utterly repulsive. It also makes him do stupid stuff like leaving the keys in the door, breaking glasses and bowls on the floor from all the stumbling about, frightens the shit out of the kids when he slams through the door or (my personal favourite) when one of his friends had to call me at 4am because he couldn't remember where he lived.hmm

I mean, when you're a student or whatever this is pretty much a normal weekend but a 34 yr old father of 2??

All I have to go on is how it makes me feel and have been pretty much in tears all morning. I don't want our DCs to see him like this and given that he grew up with an alcoholic father I can't believe he lets it happen.

mumblechum Fri 18-Sep-09 11:10:15

Oh dear. No experience with my dh, he's only really been ratarsed once that I can remember in over 20 years, but my ex had a definite drinking problem and your description of your dh sounds like my ex shortly before we split up. He subsequently died at age 40 of alcoholism sad

Stigaloid Fri 18-Sep-09 11:12:01

YANBU - going out and getting shit faced is pathetic and passing out on the floor so you are found by your children is disgraceful. He needs to grow up.

DeathbyDora Fri 18-Sep-09 11:15:10

Thanks so much for the advice & thoughts ladies, just needed to vent and see whether I'm just being a bit hormonal!

He is always sorry the next day but I feel like we're reaching the point where sorry just isn't enough any more.

We have talked this through so many times, he knows how I feel about it. He's never particularly happy with himself afterwards. I never stop him going out and think it's fine to get a bit wasted now and again. I even tell him to just stay out. Stay at someone's house, get a hotel room. Just don't *bring it home!!* angry

diddl Fri 18-Sep-09 11:22:06

If he was sorry, he wouldn´t keep doing it, IMO.

You´d also think if he´d seen his father like that, he wouldn´t want to inflict it on his own children.

AngelaCarleen Fri 18-Sep-09 11:23:40

Take pics next time, being confronted with himself in that state might make him think twice?

Does he do it every month? Thats quite a lot really. It doesn't even sound as if its for any particular special occasion. I would be really annoyed if my DH were complaining about money then going out and drinking it!!!

You're not being hormonal, would be unacceptable pregnant or not!

RumourOfAHurricane Fri 18-Sep-09 11:33:34

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Jo5677 Fri 18-Sep-09 11:37:11

He sounds similar to my ex,we had 4 children together so he thought i would never make him leave.
He used to think i'd just stay an accept it was the status quoe as he thought i'd never manage financially without him (and it was a struggle for a while but i managed).
He also completely ignored the fact that i'd told him it was killing any feelings i had for him and causing me to actually really resent him. He just didn't see a problem with his behaviour and i found that i couldn't make him see it either !

4 years after kicking him out i am now happily married to someone else (and we now have a daughter together) and he treats both me and my children with the kind of respect i didn't know exsisted.
Wish i'd left my ex many years before i finally did.

I have no contact with ex anymore and tbh i couldn't be happier.

I hope your other half learns to grow up before he finds it's to late !

Take care x

LimburgseVlaai Fri 18-Sep-09 11:39:31

Alcoholism is a disease - get medical help for him asap. Force him to see your GP or do it yourself. You have 2 children, one more on the way, and they need their dad (and you need your husband). Getting 'shitfaced', passing out, is NOT acceptable after the age of 17, not even on the odd occasion. And gambling is an addiction too. GET HELP!

Malificence Fri 18-Sep-09 11:43:04

He IS being totally unreasonable, you're definitely not - he's out till all hours and you're 32 weeks pg?
Not on, not on at all.
Being that drunk is stupid and dangerous, he was selfish beyond belief.
I'd have thrown a bucket of ice water over him.

Bleh Fri 18-Sep-09 11:56:08

I agree with Angela: take pics of him when he's like this. And when he's sobre, tell him about his young DD finding him passed out having pissed him self. Once a month is appalling: do his work colleagues have kids? It seems like he's unable to control the amount he drinks, and I agree wtih the posters who have said he needs medical help. It's not fair on you or your children that you have to go through this.

theworldsgoneDMmad Fri 18-Sep-09 12:13:49

I wonder what his (his work colleagues', or indeed anyone else's) take on it would be if you behaved like this?


DeathbyDora Fri 18-Sep-09 14:32:13

Sorry, just got back from school run!

I am thinking about kicking him out. He does accept he has a problem with booze, that's why he doesn't go out as much any more. The problem is once he is out! I would say he's definitely a binge drinker, although I noticed last night that we only have 1 bottle of wine in the fridge and I bought about 4 or 5 last week to stock us up if I fancied a spritzer or if any friends popped round.

I have often wanted to take his 'friends' to task on this, asking them why they think it's so funny to send him home in that state. But at the end of the day I know it's his problem, not theirs.

We have had every possible conversation about this, I've shouted, been reasonable, cried. I think tonight I'll tell him I think we should separate, at least until he sorts himself out. Being on my own will be tough but no tougher than having to put up with this shit.

lucygrif Fri 18-Sep-09 15:17:27

oh Dora I feel for you.

my DP has been a total ratbag at times too, and still on occasion (only when out with his mates, never with me) he comes home in some right states and most of the time passes out.

at least he didn't pee in your wardrobe, or out of the window, or on the bed, or in the wash basket, or on the dining room table!! grin my DP has done all of the above, needless to say we were close to breaking point too.

again, his father is an alcoholic - and a nasty one at that.

we moved 15 mins away and (touch wood) these occurrences are now once in a blue moon i.e. stag do's and xmas. doesn't make it any easier though, just gotta hope he realises before its too late for you two.

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