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to feel like a failure because I haven't had my baby yet?

(22 Posts)
arolf Thu 17-Sep-09 14:41:21

I'm not even at 40 weeks yet, but have had just about every member of my family, plus most friends and colleagues, asking where my baby is, why haven't I had it yet, etc etc.

My mother tells me every bloody time I talk to her that I'll definitely have him early, because she did with all of us 4 kids. (as did my grandmothers, and all aunts/cousins with kids - ALL had babies before 39 weeks). She is also telling me not to go over due as he'll be too big then. She is pressuring me to get an induction ASAP, and I'm trying my best to ignore her (plus which, don't think it's really an option just to demand an induction when a) I don't really want one and b) it's not medically indicated)

I don't actually know any women in real life who have gone past 40 weeks (weirdly, as I know it's not exactly uncommon), so any I do know are saying 'oh well, I've no idea how you've got this far' and 'still no baby then arolf?' every time I see them.

I'm only at 39+4 FFS! it's not like I'm about to hit 43 weeks and am refusing any interventions. I'd love my baby to arrive sometime soon, but there isn't a huge amount I can do about it, and I'm just sick of being made to feel like I've failed in some way by not having given birth yet. I really only want for him to be healthy, and if that means he'll be overdue, then so be it!
It's just so depressing, being on maternity leave with not much to do, and having all the harpies women I know telling me he should have been born by now. I have been crying like a big wuss for several days/nights now, and my DP is being as supportive as he can be, but doesn't understand why I'm letting all the comments get to me.

Sorry, this is insanely long, and probably not the right place for it, but I need to hear something positive to stop me from short circuiting my computer by crying over it. Or just tell me to grow a pair and tell them all where to stick their opinions

StealthPolarBear Thu 17-Sep-09 14:43:25

Sorry, no help here as I'm 40+5
Ikwym, my mum rings every day asking whether I've had any "twinges" and then sounds personally offended when I say no

Hulababy Thu 17-Sep-09 14:44:53

Aw, that must be horrible every one asking all the time and comparing. I got a lot of the "is it here yet?" comments once I went over my EDD, but never to the point of it upsetting me fortunately.

FWIW I went to 41+5 and ended up having a failed induction and emergency cs in order for DD to be born - but you know what? I never felt I had failed in anyway. She came when she was good and ready, and in the way that she needed to.

Just say that you'd prefer your LO to stay put for now til s/he is well and truely ready to eb born.

hambo Thu 17-Sep-09 14:44:54

My friend went over by 16 days! And he was about 7 lbs, so your mum is talking rubbish!!

Your mum is just excited and can't wait to meet your wee baby.

Make the most of your last few days alone. Put your feet up and have some biscuits and tell everyone to buzz off.

Good luck!

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch Thu 17-Sep-09 14:50:17

I was dead on time with the first, 10 days overdue with the 2nd, and 13 days overdue with the 3rd - there is no rhyme nor reason to when baby decides to make an appearance. Just because she was early is no indication that you should be.

And I like all my over-cooked babies as much as the 1st!

Oh and they were all normal deliveries with no problems at all, all slightly above average size-wise (but that includes ds1 who was bang on dates).

Next time (and this is something I forgot to do but a friend of mine did this) tell everyone that baby is due 2 weeks later than your due date, that way the calls will be too late grin

Good luck with the imminent arrival!

arolf Thu 17-Sep-09 14:51:16

thanks - not sure why it's getting to me so much, possibly connected to the not sleeping at all at the moment, so sheer exhaustion combined with hormones - never a good thing!

my mum works at a children's hospital/maternity hospital, so sees a lot of complications in her job, hence has been telling me what will go wrong from the minute I told her I was pregnant - now it's gone from 'oh, you're a bit fat, you'll definitely get gestational diabetes/pre eclampsia' (I have neither, and actually have exceptionally low blood pressure for some reason) to 'overdue babies are never that healthy, you really want to have him between 37 and 40 weeks, ideally'. I know she means well, but it's doing my head in!

I just want my wee boy to be healthy - and out, soon!

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch Thu 17-Sep-09 14:56:27

For someone with so much experience she is talking crap (sorry!)

It could just be that she has more experience with abnormal deliveries than with normal ones. I was under the impression that most people go overdue (happy to be corrected). And considering most babies are perfectly fine methinks she is talking rubbish.

But there we are. I also have a (very lovely but) doomsayer mother who will always point out the worst case scenario, to be "helpful" hmm My current tactic is to chout "Doomsayer!" everytime she says anything negative. We both laugh about it, but it can be quite draining.

Ignore her! Relax. It's all going to be fine. smile

nikkid21 Thu 17-Sep-09 14:59:33

YANBU - I went 10 days over with dd and she bloody decided to arrive on the day of my accountancy exam. I fully understand you being fed up with everyone asking.

On the up side at least you are still ok with being pregnant. I was begging the midwife to get her out by around 37 weeks because I was so uncomfortable grin

Next time round tell everyone that you are due 2 weeks later than you really are. It might buy you a couple more weeks of peace!

TheOldestCat Thu 17-Sep-09 15:01:17

Poor you - just ignore your mum's 'helpful' advice. And I speak as the mother of a very healthy DD born at 41 weeks!

My friend put this on her facebook page when she'd passed her due date and it did make me chuckle: have you had that baby yet?

LackaDAISYcal Thu 17-Sep-09 15:01:46

ach it's just the worst bit of pregnancy this, when you are whale like and immobile and fed up from not getting comfortable at night; no wonder you are feeling a bit peeved.

Tell them all baby will come when he/she is ready, put a message on your answering machines (landline and mobile and FB profile if you use FB) to the effect that you are resting awaiting the arrival of the baby and that you'll inform people as soon as it happens, switch the phones off and rest up. Can't believe the insensitivity of those who already have children though; they have obviously forgotten what it's like!

DP isn't understanding because he has no idea what this is like, but it's good that he is being as supportive as he can be though, but generally men, who are untroubled by hormones once they have passed through puberty, have no bloody idea how difficult pregnancy can be emotionally.

Rest up, ignore the world as much as possible, and pamper yourself and eat cake is my advice smile

Good Luck

IDriveaRedCar Thu 17-Sep-09 15:04:44

How frustrating for you.

I thought overdue babies were often more healthy? Bit more ready to face the world and all that?

The 40 week thing as a length of pregnancy is based on a tiny study decades ago, and I think that in many other European countries 42 is considered normal.

Totally agree with nikkid21 - add on 2 weeks when people ask your due date it takes a lot of pressure off.

Boodlerpoop Thu 17-Sep-09 15:06:22

YANBU, was 42 + 5 w/ ds & couldn't fathom hy people, random strangers in the street etc. had to ask my when oh when was I going to pop!Hang on in there Enjoy yourself, have a bath, paint your nails... all the things you wont be able 2 do soon! ( Also found it helped 2 post on facebook 'No I have not had the baby yet!!grrr!) People seemed to steer clear of me then, assuming I was hormonal pregnant woman...(Which I was:O)

charleymouse Thu 17-Sep-09 15:07:54

arolf I have learnt this time only a few people (excluding MN) know the due date. I just say oh early December.

I got fed up of people ringing me to ask if I had had DD I know they were excited and wanted to know all was alright but it still drove me mad. According to dates she was due on 12 November, scan was different by 7 days but they didn't change due date; she arrived on the 29th, MW said she was not overdue as she has plenty of vernix on her still.

Next time someone asks you (eg your Mum Aunty etc) just say how worried they must have been having a premature baby and you are so pleased you are going to get to term with yours as you want a healthy sized baby without all the complications of them being premature.

Alternatively you could just tell them to * off

Some countries have gestations at 39-43 weeks so why we have this 40+10 or 40+ 14 fixation is beyond me.

wasabipeanut Thu 17-Sep-09 15:10:28

Theoldestcat I like your friends style. smile

Arolf I feel for you, I truly do. You have to try really hard to ignore people - easier said than done. Getting a bit of an attitude might not be a bad idea - people might just leave you be!

Hulababy Thu 17-Sep-09 15:12:57

Oh yes - and the idea that verdue babies will be big - not true. DD was nearly 2 weeks late and was 6lb15oz.

MadameCastafiore Thu 17-Sep-09 15:14:57

Just do not answer the phone and they will all panic and ring each other thinking you have had the baby - whilst you sit at home, eat Galaxy and listen to their frantic messages! grin

Hulababy Thu 17-Sep-09 15:15:27

Oh and she was very very healthy too. Despite the failed induction and the cs her scores (AGPAR??) were the highest levels they can be, so definitely no health issues. Most she had was a touch of colic for a few weeks when tiny, but not related to birth or due dates. Even now, at 7y, she is very healthy and has never been one for falling ill much.

duchesse Thu 17-Sep-09 15:22:55

Just tell them all the best babies arrive late. My earliest came at 41+3, my latest at 41+6. They were/are all babies of the very highest quality. They were not too big to get out; they mostly came when they were ready (apart from the last one, and nobody knows she was/would have been ready as she couldn't get out under her own steam...)

GoldenSnitch Thu 17-Sep-09 15:46:49

Due dates are called EDD's (Estimated Due Dates) for a reason! No-one knows exactly when you concieved and no-one knows exactly how long it will take your baby to feel ready to face the world.

My DS was 40+6 and they only induced me cause I got PE. I just told everyone he was comfy in there when they asked.

Fingers crossed (for your comfort) that your LO comes soon but in the meantime, as others have said, go out and get your nails/hair done, watch whatever films you fancy and get as much sleep as you can - it'll be a while before you get to do any of it again. Good luck with the birth too

TaylorSwift Thu 17-Sep-09 15:48:44

I got to 42+5...beat that! wink

arolf Thu 17-Sep-09 16:47:56

thank you everyone - your comments and ideas on how to deal with people have put a smile back on my face (for the time being at least!)

Theoldestcat - I posted that link to my facebook page, and promptly got a flurry of comments saying 'oh, have you had the baby yet then?', which made me face-palm quite a lot. clearly my 'friends' are all a bit thick.

oh, and I had a growth scan last week which shows he's going to be a big boy - 7 lb 7oz estimate at 38 weeks - so am prepared for that at least!

right, best go make a nice big cake to work my way through over the weekend!

chickbean Thu 17-Sep-09 19:43:39

DS1 was a week early and took 43 hours to arrive from my waters breaking. DS2 was a week late and took 5 hours. I know which I preferred DS1 was 7lbs 7.5oz, DS2 was 7lbs 13 oz

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