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to feel this way about DP?

(14 Posts)
hiddenidentity Thu 17-Sep-09 12:58:03

Okay I know I am being unreasonable, but hopefully you can give me advice or kick my ass at least!

I know this is MY issuecc. DP still talks to his ex, and they are very close, but I get jealous over it. I put a thread up a while ago about this, where he was talking to her in an inappropriate manner that really really upset me. When I spoke to him about it, although angry at first, he saw what I meant and said he would have been furious if he knew I was talking to another guy like that. He said he would watch what he's saying to her.

It's been perhaps a month since then but it's still really bothering me. My trust in him was shaken a little bit, and I can't quite get past it. I mean it's not like he was cheating on me, but it just upset me that he would say these things to another girl, particularly his ex. So it is still on my mind. I keep having dreams of him telling me he still loves her, or dreams that he realises this and says that he's going to stop talking to her for me because she's his past and I'm his future.

I don't want to keep obsessing over it, but I can't get it out of my head. I want to ask him about it, and ask if he had said anything to her about it, or if he's changed the way he talks to her, but I know this could cause an arguement. He turns his phone off every night now which he never did before we spoke about this. I jokingly pointed it out once, and he just shrugged and said he's in the habit of doing it now (yes I know probably just my paranoia).

I don't know what to do about it. A couple of weeks after it, DP pointed out we don't seem as happy as we use to be since the talk. We had been really stressed and gone through some crappy situations, so I said it was just cos of those. But after him saying it, it made me wonder if he was right. So I put more effort in to making sure I was happy and that we were making the most of our time together. But I think I need help. I just don't know what kind.

Purplerizla Thu 17-Sep-09 15:41:25

hey hun,
can i ask how long you guys have been together? i'm a strong believer in communication and that a relationship just will not work if you cannot talk about just about everything with your partner. Are you really happy in this relationship? if not talk to him about it and raise the issue of the ex with him, i don't think it's unreasonable to be feeling the way you are. It might be paranoia but if he's chatting to her more than he seems to be talking to you theres a problem there.
He has a right to be friends with this girl just as much as you do to talk to your ex's after all normally your friends with people before you get into a relationship with them, but you're his partner now and he should be sat teling you all the things he's chatting to her about.
good luck.

MorrisZapp Thu 17-Sep-09 15:48:30

Either way, if he is still seeing her on a friendly basis his feelings won't have changed towards her.

If he was truly just being friendly before, then that won't have changed. Ditto if he was being flirty and keeping her on the back burner.

It's unlikely that he'd drop her as a friend, so you will have to accept his friendship with her.

I suspect that if you badger him about it he might get annoyed - if he feels he resolved it the last time you spoke, he has reason to be really.

It all comes down to whether or not you trust him. Do you trust him?

hiddenidentity Thu 17-Sep-09 20:48:48

Purplerizla, 2 years. I am generally happy. It's just at the moment I can't get this out of my head. When we do talk about something serious, like if something is bothering me, he tends to either take it the wrong way or shuts down completely.

For example, the past couple of months, I have noticed our sex life has become rather organised. Sex isn't on the cards, until we're ready to go to bed, and DP's brushed his teeth and sorted himself out etc. And generally that's fine, I know he is probably making the effort to not smell or anything. But I mentioned it to him light heartedly and said that sex isn't spontaneous anymore like it use to be. He then assumed I meant he doesn't excite me anymore which isn't true, and then started calling himself a crap DP.

Every time we talk about something that is bothering me, which isn't often may I add, he says that he's a crap boyfriend and not good enough for me. It makes me feel like crap for making him feel that way, no matter how much I try and explain things simply so he doesn't automatically assume he is the problem or at fault when it is something that is both of us or neither of us are at fault, iyswim. So these days I do feel like I can't be as honest as I want to be because it may cause unnecessary upset.

MorrisZapp, I've always known they were still friends, and it never really bothered me to begin with. I would get jealous sometimes like if we were together and then he's having a text conversation with her which annoyed me. So I know I'm being UR about that. I mean I'm not friends with any of my exs, I couldn't care less about them now (crappy relationships) so I know that that probably doesn't help, as I don't have the experience if you will of ending things on good terms.

We did once have a conversation about her and he said to me they were just friends, and after that, I felt a lot better. But when I found out he had been saying things inappropriately to her, it really upset me. I do trust him, I know he wouldn't cheat on me or anything like that, so I can't understand why I can't just let this go. I really wish I could just open my brain up and take out the cells that are stored up with this ridiculousness worry over something I know shouldn't be implanted in my brain.

groundhogs Thu 17-Sep-09 22:18:36

Try to put her out of your mind, you are creating this as a problem now, he switches his phone off at night now, which is at least a start. This is the guy that texted night night to her in bed wasn't it? forgive me if i've mixed myself up!

The sex thing, that's a kind of 2yr thing, can you try to be spontaneous, and try and remedy that.

To me the I'm a crap boyfriend and the not walking away totally from the past etc, could be that he's not as secure as he lets on. Men seldom are. Pander to him, inflate his ego, arrange a date night, be a mistress as it were in your own relationship...

If you keep focussing on the ex, it'll drag everything down. Pride yourself on being the actual squeeze/girlfriend... you have a future, not a past.. which is all the XW has...

He's with you, he's making the effort, he's yours and there for you, stand tall and be confident... there is nothing to worry about.. but you know that already!

hiddenidentity Fri 18-Sep-09 10:26:05

No groundhogs, that's someone else. Thanks for your advice. I have been trying. When I find myself starting to think about it, I try and keep busy and try and take my mind off it, but sometimes it's hard. Like I said I don't really know why I keep obsessing about it, as I do trust him when he says they're just friends. Just feels like a vicious cycle. I haven't mentioned it to him since we first talked about it, and I don't really want to either. I know it would just cause unnecessary problems. But I hadn't thought of whether he was insecure, so I may try and focus on that and make him feel better. Thanks.

groundhogs Fri 18-Sep-09 15:52:41

Sorry, it was something I literally read buried elsewhere, but same sentiment anyway..

Exes are so hard to get used to, especially when they are hanging about...

Just work on your own confidence, tell yourself over and over that you deserve to be loved, that he is lucky to have you, and you are lucky to have him. Try to think that speaks volumes about him that he can break up with his Ex, but without animosity. If nothing else, it tells you that he IS a good person, and he was a good partner, otherwise his Ex wouldn't be able stand the sight of him.

Why not write down all your fear thoughts and translate or flip them to positive, and recite the positive ones back at yourself whenever the negative ones start niggling at you.

I always thought my DH was invincible, so never pandered to him at all. Then a couple of comments from my mum, made me see that he was all front, and deep down pretty sensitive. I still forget that he is at times, but whenever I remember, remind him how good he is at the stuff he IS good at, and how proud I am of him.

It'll give you a warm glow too... so can't be bad!

katiestar Fri 18-Sep-09 18:44:49

the 'I'm a crap DP' routine is to fish for compliments and get your sympathy.It feels a bit manipulative to me.
Are you convinced he is no longer contacting her ?

Hando Fri 18-Sep-09 19:33:16

Oh and what were the "inappropriate things" he said to her? Then we judge decide if YABU or YANBU.

hiddenidentity Fri 18-Sep-09 21:36:35

Thanks groundhogs. I shall try my best to take your advice on and follow through. Will definetly do the list.

Katiestar, they are still friends. She has now moved quite far away, so they don't see each other, but he still speaks to her phone/text/msn etc. He now doesn't speak to her when he stays over with me.

Hando, the things that he had said was that he thought she was pretty, couldn't understand why guys weren't all over her, he wanted her to go on webcam so he could see her, and that he didn't want her to disappoint him nor did she have to impress him as she was saying her hair was a mess, and stuff like that. I know she has told him before that she misses him, but I don't know how he replied to that. I know she often asked him to phone her, particularly when she's lonely, and she has been quite unstable in the past. Our first new year together, she texted him saying she was suicidle. She has also asked him to go see her, but he told me he would never see her without me, and really doubts he would see her, but I know she's mentioned it on at least 5 different occasions.

When we talked about her, I told him I felt like there was unfinished business between them, that he may still have feelings for her, or she does for him. He said it wasn't like that, they're just very good mates.

hiddenidentity Sun 20-Sep-09 10:26:40

Also with the manipulative thing, it has crossed my mind before. My ex was very manipulative, played lots of mind games with me, so I am always very wary of this now. I'm not sure if it is just paranoia or what.

I did the list, and it is pretty much 50/50 on good and bad things. Some of the things are really trivial like how he sleeps in til 1 or 2pm on his days off or how he doesn't keep his word when he says he'll do something. Well I suppose the last one isn't so trivial. It has bothered me a lot that every time he says he will do something he doesn't, like he was suppose to ring about a job last Friday which would have suited him well and meant he could finally move in with me and DD. But he didn't, and it just makes me feel like he doesn't want to yet, although he says he does, although I suppose with all this, I know it's best we don't any time soon. Oh I dunno, I feel like a crap DP for being like this and feeling this way. He probably deserves a lot better

beaniesinthebucketagain Sun 20-Sep-09 13:37:14

Im an extremely jealous person, its caused a lot of problems for me in the past, so im just open, i say to dp i dont like this it makes me feel....scared/insecure/or i just dont like it, i dont stop him doing things i just find it makes things easier and hes just a bit more careful about how he sayes things so it doesnt cause problems for us, not alot of advice there but the best thing is to be honest, you wont get anywhere saying i want you to stop the friendship and so on, but say how it makes you feel and youd appreciate some sensitivity around the subject.

hiddenidentity Sun 20-Sep-09 15:00:40

I wouldn't ask dp to end his friendship. I know I have no right to do that, and wouldn't be pleased to say the least if it was the other way round. It does put me off being honest with him when he reacts quite badly to it, whether it being him jumping to the wrong conclusion or saying he's a crap DP. For example, I spoke to him about my past once. I said to him it felt like the world was against me at times, as I had problems with family, school and friends all at once. He laughed and said I was ridiculous, which really hurt. I mean I can understand if he doesn't understand what I've been through but to just laugh it off and act as if I'm over exaggerating in some ways really stung, as the past is something that still upsets me and creates problems for me.

hiddenidentity Thu 24-Sep-09 23:13:07

I spoke to DP today. I said to him I wanted him to promise me that he wouldn't keep things from me, nor hide things from me. He said he didn't want to promise that as he would rather white lie to me now and again because he doesn't like to hurt or upset me. I said I'd rather be hurt or upset by whatever it is rather than be lied too. He said that he promised.

It worries me that I've had to say this, and that DP is uneasy with being truthful to me. I'm sure this is probably through my own fault with regards to his ex.

I am his first serious girlfriend (his third altogether) and sometimes I feel like I need to lay down the rules to him about what I want and expect from him (loyalty, truth, love, happiness etc) but I would have thought a lot of this was common sense?

I have considered having this conversation, but the fact that we're two years into our relationship now and having that kind of conversation feels really weird to me. But I suppose it's something I will need to do.

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