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to say MIL cannot stay the night. this time

(20 Posts)
HerHonesty Thu 17-Sep-09 12:14:33

MIL is in many ways a lovely woman but is a complete pita to have staying over. cant do anything for herself, flaps, panics, makes little digs about the food, cleanliness etc.

I endure this every so often for the sake of my dd.

however, this i am putting my foot down and have said no. DH reckons i am being unreasonable.

context: DD 1st birthday party. lots of family. lots to do, will be quite tiring (on my side of the family we do big parties...)

That week on the monday afternoon I have my last exam for my masters degree so will have studied all weekend. Then 4 days work full time and party on sat afternoon i.e by sat night i will be crackered.

have naturally invited mil to party but have said she cant stay the night. she is not happy. neither is dh.

she lives about 80 miles away, would take normal person 1.5 hours to drive, it takes her about 2.5 hours.

am i being a complete unreasonable cow?

kreecherlivesupstairs Thu 17-Sep-09 12:16:01

Not in the slightest. Book her into a premier Inn.

pasturesnew Thu 17-Sep-09 12:18:47

I can see what you're saying but as you've invited her to the party won't she still be a PITA even if she doesn't stay over?

Not clear to me if you are really saving yourself any hassle here, just creating a new thing for her to stress about, plus creating tension between you and DH before a day when you will need to work together well as hosts etc.?

I think it might work better overall to go back on this and just ask DH to focus on looking after her so you can look after other guests - on the plus side your previous foot down approach should communicate to him how stressful you find MIL's overnight visits which he might not have previously realised?

PuppyMonkey Thu 17-Sep-09 12:22:20

I think it's a bit measn to invite her all that way and then say she can't stay over actually.. soz for you and all that.

PuppyMonkey Thu 17-Sep-09 12:23:03

mean.

I mean. grin

Romanarama Thu 17-Sep-09 12:24:14

Just one night, I'd let her stay I think.

Assign everyone post-party tidy up tasks. ie she can do the hoovering or washing up or whatever. Then ensure your dh has a plan for going out for the whole of Sunday morning with his mother and daughter, starting before you get out of bed, so you can have a lie in and have a coffee by yourself. Then you can be polite to her at lunchtime and wave her off with a smile straight after.

StayFrosty Thu 17-Sep-09 12:29:42

I would let her stay, but I would make your dh do all the work - getting bedding ready, cleaning the house to mil standards, buying in shopping, planning meals (then if she has a sly dig about food or cleanliness, you can say 'well dh was in charge of x, must be the way he was brought up <sigh>'). And like Romanarama says, get him to give you a lie in on Sunday morning and take you all out for Sunday dinner so you're not cooking.

kingprawntikka Thu 17-Sep-09 13:03:32

80 miles isn't that far. My parents live 75 miles away and visit every two to three weeks . They come for lunch, stay for dinner then drive home. My dad is in his seventies.

MorrisZapp Thu 17-Sep-09 13:12:16

Totally agree with stayfrosty. If your DH wants her to stay overnight, it's his job to look after her.

I did this with my DP - my MIL is lovely but DP would drive us both to visit her, ask her for food, switch on the telly and leave me to make small talk with her. I said from now on, I'm happy to visit but I'm not keeping the ball in the air myself.

He was fine with it and totally understood.

On a wider note, I'd say that asking her to visit but not stay the night will probably kick off more issue than just having her overnight would. If you don't have her very often I'd say just grin and bear it.

bigchris Thu 17-Sep-09 13:31:41

yabu

it is only one night

my mil stays three nights hmm

HerHonesty Thu 17-Sep-09 14:39:42

well. i didnt actually invite her to the party. guess what, dh did...

and yes i would love dh to do all the work but that just wont happen because he gets so annoyed with her and goes of to sort out the shed or something inevitably i end up doing it all... as well as enduring the "oh dont worry about me i am sure my darling daughter in law can do it, you have been working all week poor son" comments because for some reason the fact i work full time as well doesnt compute in her brain.

if i ask her to do anthing she's the sort of person who will ask so many questions about it its not really worth it ifywim. leave at lunchtime? lol. she'll stay till at least 8 and expect sunday supper (after a cooked breakfast and roast dinner).

ok so perhaps i need to grin and bear it. i can get DH to book me into the priory for the week after when i have had the nervous breakdown. does anyone know are there any special offers at the mo?

MorrisZapp Thu 17-Sep-09 14:42:13

Seems to me your issue should be with your DH. Totally unfair to invite somebody and not take care of them. She's his problem, not yours.

Stigaloid Thu 17-Sep-09 14:43:31

Why not let her stay and you go have a nice night in a hotel and breakfast in bed out whilst your DH doeals with MIL and clean up duty at home? grin

HerHonesty Thu 17-Sep-09 14:45:01

stigaloid brilliant idea. esp one with a spa and late check out...

PuppyMonkey Thu 17-Sep-09 14:45:38

I agree, it's your DH who is the problem here. Is he going to go off to his shed during the party then? hmm Nice of him.

HerHonesty Thu 17-Sep-09 14:48:46

no he's brill with dd, (same maturity level). my mother/sister will look after MIL at party - who in anycase will be obssessed with her daughter and other grandchild who is of course far cleverer, prettier etc than any devil child of mine will be!!

AxisofEvil Thu 17-Sep-09 14:50:39

What time is this party - for a 1st birthday it can hardly be a 9pm start I take it. I'd stand firm.

ChunkyMonkeysMum Thu 17-Sep-09 14:52:05

YANBU !!! Your MIL sounds like mine. It wouldn't surprise me if my MIL couldn't even wipe her own arse, she's that incapable of actually doing anything !! She would also expect me to run around after her while she just sits there doing sweet FA.

Put your foot down, stick to your guns, put up with the frosty atmosphere that may linger between you & MIL on Saturday, but look forward to the fact that when the party's over, you can put your feet up and enjoy doing nothing because she'll be back at home grin

PuppyMonkey Thu 17-Sep-09 14:54:27

Well, if he's so brill let him look after MIL!

MorrisZapp Thu 17-Sep-09 15:03:58

Agree with puppymonkey. Let Mr Brill deal with this problem.

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