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to feel hard done by?

(13 Posts)
ImPinkThereforeImSpam Mon 14-Sep-09 14:45:48

Ex H and I split up nearly a year ago. He has a business, and when we were together, he paid me a "wage" of £450pm, which I used for the housekeeping etc, and he paid all the utilities, mortgage, running repairs to house, car and so on. When we split up, he wanted to make me "redundant" and made it clear that from now on, apart from the bare minimum in maintenance, (£228 per month. incidentally, his business made £60K last year)I was on my own and he would no longer pay any of the bills. He is still paying the mortgage which is on a second house that is rented out, he meanwhile is living rent free at MY mother's! After a significant amount of pleading on my part, he agreed to keep paying me (the mimimum wage), but now expected me to work the hours in the shop. He doesn't pay me for the school hols when I'm home with the DCs. I do get tax creds.
Since the split there have been several significant bills for repairs to the house, which I have paid for out of my savings and to which he has not contributed. He asked me to please find another job, as he no longer wants me to be in the shop. I fall into the category of "unskilled", and due to being a single parent am restricted to the hours I can work. I was offered a job by my old boss two weeks ago, working 20 hours pw, 5.30-9.30pm Mon-Fri. I thought maybe it would work out, my earnings would increase, I wouldn't be in the shop and H wouldn't have to pay me; and if he was willing to help me out, he'd have evenings with the children. Also, I could still cover the shop if he needed me to; and during school hols, I'd be home during the day, so no need for childcare. Unfortunately, he refused, because it would "add 4 hours to his working day"! shock
Now, I'm wondering, am I being hugely unfair to ask him to help out in this way? I'm sort of alternating between righteous indignation and huge self doubt. I'm really angry with him right now. I walked out of work this morning because he said again that looking after the children for that time would be unfair, because of the hours he works during the day. I can't believe that he views them in the same light. AIBU?

LyraSilvertongue Mon 14-Sep-09 14:49:36

Can you go to the CSA or threaten him with it? You shouldn't have to work for your maintenance. The money is supposed to be for the children's welfare.

countrybump Mon 14-Sep-09 14:50:45

YANBU. So, basically you have to continue to run the house, take care of the children and all the financial costs that occurs on £450 per month??

I'd speak to a solicitor.

ImPinkThereforeImSpam Mon 14-Sep-09 14:53:32

The maintenance is separate to my earnings from the shop and he worked out how much he should pay using the CSA's formula.

groundhogs Mon 14-Sep-09 14:58:31

YANBU, that ExH needs shooting!

Looking after his own flesh and blood is adding 4 hours to his workin day.... WTF?

Living at YOUR mums rent free, and not paying you a bean? You should have got your mum to charge him rent and pass you on half.

He does all this and expects you to keep covering his business?

i mean this with all the love and support in the world, You need to grow a pair and stand up to him. He needs to pay maintenance for your children whether you work or not. Perhaps just say sod him, take the other job and go talk to the CSA and then he'll see how it's going to be. You will obviously need to look into the numbers, but perhaps the new job would pay you more money, he'd have to pay you maintenance and together it'd mount up enough to be able to pay someone to babysit your DC.

You need to put yourself and the children first. This guy is unbelievable. Jeez, if he were just your employer, you'd be able to sue the arse off him for this kind of treatment! Hmm, that might be worth looking into?

Good luck!

booyhoo Mon 14-Sep-09 15:16:54

unless you are intending to work at the relationship and eventually get back together (although with his attitude i wouldnt ecourage it) then i think you need to make a definite split. ie, stop working in the shop, ask your mother to reconsider his living arrangements, and go through the csa for the maintenance.

there are too many overlaps (if thats the right phrase) and i think you need to decide that you are no longer going to be financially dependant on him. clearly you cant rely on him for childcare as he sees this as 'work' he shouldnt have to do.

leave the shop and try to get another job. apply for tax credits as a lone parent and you should be entitled to the childcare element of working tax credit.

im actually very shocked that your mum continues to let him live there for free even though he isnt passing this extra cash on to you.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 14-Sep-09 15:26:15

Why why why is he living with your mother? Agree you need to stop working for him and demand maintenance which is not a salary but which you should get anyway!
Is the problem that he would have to look after the children every evening? I don't see why he couldn't, or shouldn't, but sadly you can't make him. Might be better off looking for work that fits in with school/nursery, taking his maintenance and not having to rely on him for anything else.

ImPinkThereforeImSpam Mon 14-Sep-09 16:12:42

He's living with Mum because he said that otherwise he'd have nowhere to live, his family aren't able to help him. I pointed out that he does in fact have a four bed house that he rents out, but he "wants the income from that." Mum wanted to chuck him out after he refused to help with the kids, but I asked her not to, because it would only be my fault! I walked out of the shop today because I really wanted to hit him, so I'm expecting to be told that I've been sacked. I've had the temerity to realise that I don't love him anymore and I'm being punished accordingly. I hate myself for being such a doormat.
I have made an appointment to see a solicitor.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 14-Sep-09 16:34:25

Well your mum needs to kick him out. Seriously. That is the most fucked up thing I have heard for a while. If he has an income from the house he rents then he should be able to afford to rent a bedsit. Also - if you are married, that house is a joint asset and half yours, more or less.

Good on you for seeing a solicitor, I have no idea how it works if you have the right to stay in the marital home but exH refuses to pay the mortgage. You might be better off moving into rented of your own, but don't act until you have met with the solicitor.

He's being a prize twat, by the way.

InMyLittleHead Tue 15-Sep-09 17:51:10

What a knob he is.

Get a good solicitor and screw him over.

oldraver Wed 16-Sep-09 00:12:33

HE worked out he needed to pay £228/months maintenece for two children (info from your profile)

I'm afraid he is pulling a fast one as that amount would be for ONE child for someone earning ITRO £24000

Hando Wed 16-Sep-09 01:28:51

Paying £228 a month for 2 kids when he is earning 60k from his business PLUS income from his house he rents?!? He's taking you for a ride big time! Surely you have checked this low amount online yurself and realised it's wrong.

There is no way I would be working in his shop with him treating me like shit and paying me shit. He's being an arse, so don't do him favours!

1. Tell your mum to kick him out, he's not homeless and unemployed - he has a house and a 60k job!!!

2. Call the csa tomorrow, first thing. Get them to calculate the amount he should be paying. If you want to keep the arrangements friendly and informal then call him and tell him how much he needs to pay. Tell him if he refused you will get the csa to do it formally. Get the money you deserve and have a right to receive to pay for your childrens upbringing.

Then you need to see what sort of work you can find. Your mum seems like a nice lady (to take your unhelpful arse exH in she must be!) so can you ask her to assist with having the children? Honestly, not many single parents can work 5.30 - 9.30. It would mean your mum/another person having the kids every week night, dinner, bathtimes, bedtime etc. It's alot to ask. You could look at working during the day and sending them to nursery and claiming the childcare element alongside the tax credits you would get as a single working parent. Tax credits will pay 70% of your childcare costs. Can you work 3-4 days a week and share the childcare between your mum helping and a nursery?

Hope it all works out for you.

dawntigga Wed 16-Sep-09 09:02:47

Just a second - he worked out how much he should pay????? Think he may be underestimating just a tad???? Call the CSA now and get them to tell him how much he should pay.


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