to feel so depressed?(11 Posts)
I put this on pregnancy and only got one reply so sorry for putting it on here but I just want some advice.
I don't know where to start really. I am coping - but only just. I keep thinking I can't face the day and I just feel so awful and exhausted. I still feel sick most of the time so I eat like a horse to stave off the nausea. I was Size 18 before I got pregnant so God knows what I'll be afterwards. I've got really bad SPD so I'm in pain all the time and find it really hard to get up and down the stairs etc.
If that wasn't bad enough, my lovely 3 year old son is being investigated for epilepsy (only night time). The consultant has asked us to co-sleep with him so that we can video one of his episodes. So far, we've been unable to do it (the seizure things are very brief) and he's been in our bed for 5 weeks. I've asked my husband to sleep on a mattress to make more room (we can't sleep in DS's bed as it is a toddler bed) but he says he doesn't think he'd be able to sleep on a mattress and I can't as I have my bed all padded up due to SPD. So on top of everything else, no one is sleeping well.
On top of this I'm N.Irish, living in England so we have no support. I had a very abusive childhood and my parents have been totally unsupportive to me in any way. For some reason (and this happened last time I was pregnant too) being pregnant really makes me want to kill my mother for not loving me or protecting me from my father. I keep going over all the old stuff in my head and crying about it. I think it's because you feel so vulnerable when you're heavily pregnant and it hurts that there is no one there to love and support you.
Dh's mother has been fine(bought us a pram) but she is not 'motherly' but quite emotionally distant (to me and her son). Also she lives at the other end of England so can't help out much.
I also feel quite upset that none of my so called friends (apart from one single bloke!) have offered anything in the way of support. I haven't asked anyone outright for help but have told quite a few that I am in pain and hosebound with an active 3 year old. I hoped I'd have had more visitors etc but not many. Looks like people don't like me as much as I'd thought either.
I just feel so awful physically that I don't have the energy to cope with all the things that are upsetting me and I don't feel like anyone cares. All I want to do is sleep and cry. I don't even feel enthusiastic about the baby. My Dh and I usually have a good relationship but he's so tired from work then having to do all the house stuff in the evenings that he's been really grumpy so I can't even talk to him.
Sorry this is such a big moan but I just wanted to get it off my chest. I've got a section booked for the 29th so hopefully things will improve then.
Sorry you're going through a rough time.
About the eating - try to limit yourself to healthy things so you don't feel guilty about it.
The big thing that pops out of your OP for me is your lack of help from friends. Maybe they are not aware of the full extent of the situation? ASK for help. There's probably no reason they would even realise you need help otherwise. I doubt it's got anything to do with them not liking you.
There's not much you can do about your physical discomfort, or about your emotional strains right now, so concentrate on what you CAN change. Would your MIL agree to spending a week with you to help you get things at home in order? Start writing down nice things that happened during the day so you don't only concentrate on the bad.
I'm not surprised you are feeling down and I think its really important to get this off your chest. Can you talk to your GP or MW for some support and understanding? My friends who were pregnant and looking after a toddler found it so much more tiring than their first pregnancy - just no time to rest. The SPD must be awful. You must also be worried about your little boy and sleep deprived too. Could your husband spend just a couple of nights in your sons room on a mattress? or set up a video camera? As for your friends, sometimes people just get a bit consumed with their own lives and worries and I'm sure they don't mean to neglect you. It sounds like you could really do to talk to someone properly about your childhood, family and how you feel now. Would you talk to a councillor or a therapist, just so you can really vent it all and get a bit of support? Its rubbish to feel this low when your baby is nearly here. You need a hug.x
totally know where you're coming from OP, with the unresolved anger towards your mother, esp. during pregnancy. try scrawling all your feelings down on a piece of paper then scrumple it up or rip it into pieces and throw it away. You have to let it go. Then you can move forward.
YOu are MUCH stronger than your mother ever was, don't allow her weaknesses and shortcomings to ruin your enjoyment of being a mum. YOur family is something you have created, not her. Then in a few years' time you'll look back and be so proud of yourself.
As for friends being unsupportive, I find you get back what you give out - at least that's my experience. NOt for one second suggesting you are unsupportive, but if you give out negative vibes people sometimes don't know how to react, most people are too wrapped up in their own problems to deal with other people's. You really have to put yourself out there, smile , engage in conversation etc. etc. which i'm sure is the LAST thing you want to be doing now, but it's the way forward believe me.
one more thing, IIWU I'd change my nickname. To something that makes me feel good about myself. (just my humble opinion) .
first of all hello and i'm happy you could get all of that off your chest
i dont really know what to suggest to you, i was alone when i had my DS3(my ex left me when i was pregnant)
all you are feelin now i think, it is because you are pregnant and housebound, once you have had your baby all this will go away or i suggest you to go and speak to your doctor.
your DP really needs to support you, talk to him about how you feel.
lastly i am here if you need to talk some more their is nothing worse than feeling alone.
It sounds to me like it might be antenatal depression. It is just as common as postnatal depression, but so many people don't seem to know about it.
I would agree, call a friend and say, point blank 'I am not coping well. Can you please come over and cook a meal/do some wash/just keep me company for an hour?'
Also, speak to your GP/Midwife. There are ADs that are safe to take during pregnancy.
Which part of england do you live in op??
Just to second Tee2072, it does sound as if it could be ante-natal depression.
I had this when I was pregnant, and experienced a lot of the same feelings you describe, particularly wrt body image and lack of support from friends.
Ask your midwife if your hospital has a counsellor attached to the ante-natal department; I was able to see one and she was fantastic, really got me through some of the issues (such as relationships with parents etc) that pregnancy brings up, as she was a specialist in this field. Your midwife can refer you directly, and waiting times are usually shorter than for counselling through the GP.
You sound like you could do with someone just to listen to you, you are going through a great deal. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Womblemeister has said lots of the things I was going to say. I won't address you by the name you have given yourself because you deserve more respect than that.
Your post struck so many chords with me, especially about feelings about your mother. Somehow the immobility makes you so vulnerable to bad feelings - as if you can't physically get away from them because you can't walk.
Write it all down - a letter to your mother that is completely honest that you will then destroy. Take deep breaths and consign it all to the past. You are such a better mother than she was; you are taking such good care of your children, born and unborn; you will never let them go through any of this; you are a hero.
However, you need help. Insist on it. Ask your husband to sleep elsewhere, at least 2 or 3 nights a week. This is necessary - you need some sleep. And ask your friends round, ask each one over on a specific day saying "I'm sorry I won't be able to make an amazing lunch or anything but it would be lovely to see you and I really need the company while I can't get out" - in other words, be honest and direct.
I didn't do this when I had SPD. I realised I was used to "courting" my friends - meeting them elsewhere on their terms, inviting them over only when I had made some huge effort to cook something lovely etc - when I was not physically able to do this I felt unworthy of their company. I have thought about this and I think it is a bad attitude and I think my friends would be more helpful and ultimately closer to me if I were more honest and direct.
You may need medical help too but these are things I would advise anyway. And remember you will feel better when the baby has come and you can walk again. I am sending you all my sympathy, this is so hard. But you are a hero and you will get through. All best.
FWIW I'd never heard of SPD until a couple of years ago, as neither I nor anyone I know had suffered with it. Could it be that your friends don't understand just how debilitating it is?
I agree with Vezzie - be honest with then and don't be afraid to ask for any help or support you need.
Hope all goes well.
PS - don't worry about your weight, if you are overweight and you worry about it you will make it worse. Being happy is the best cure - not that you can instantly be a size 8 overnight, but when you are well again and feeling better after the birth of your new baby, you will soon find the weight that is healthy for you - which may be a size 18 for all I know. As long as you look after the important things, including your own health and happiness and do something you enjoy every day.
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