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AIBU to be annoyed at my mother for calling me a slut

(31 Posts)
notaslut Sat 12-Sep-09 17:38:06

Im fuming with her tbh.
Split up with husband of 8 years dec last year.
Moved area, new house, new job,new childcare, knew noone apart from family. Had horriffic time with ex - things slowly seem to have settled down, but its been a really rough ride.
Ended up ill with stomach ulcer..
now finally in the last 2 months or so im starting to feel like me and am actually liviing as opposed to just getting by day to day.
Anyway - got asked out last weekend, didnt tell anyone about it ( why should i, im 31?) DD was at her dads. Had some drink, bloke was so fit, came back to mine and stayed in bed all weekend. I feel fantastic about it. Had to tell my mother, who kept bloody phoning and asking who was there. So thought, i had nothing to hide and was honest, she was going on about meeting him and how i said i had said i didnt want to be in a relastionsip. I frankly told her, it wasnt like that, i wasnt in a relationship ( god it was one night!) and that he was only in the area for a few weeks with work.
Then this bloke came round this week. She called the next day and asked how it went, i said to her, that i wasnt going to discuss my sex life with her... To which she replied that she didnt realise i had slept with him and that i was behaving like a total slut.!!!!
Im fuming. Now shes is bleating on and on to my sister about how ive gone off the rails! Its ridiculous. Ive slept with one man since dec last year.. its sept now... I certainly do not regrett what i did at all, in fact it was just what i needed.
I also told her i have a date with someone else next week and she told me if i wasnt carefull i will get myself a reputation.
so... AIBU?

diddl Sat 12-Sep-09 17:44:25


Do you go out at the weekend with a toothbrush and spare pants in your bag?

sobloodystupid Sat 12-Sep-09 17:44:44

tell her nowt, or else ask her about her love life [shudder]. grin
Can't believe she said that,but maybe she is genuinely concerned?

MadameDefarge Sat 12-Sep-09 17:46:21

First of all, congratulations on getting your mojo back! I know exactly how you feel, it took me five years of celibacy, then one night of roaring passion with a chance met old acquaintence and then wayhey! Then had a couple of really fun years dating whoever I wanted....I am now three years into relationship with lovely dp. I thoroughly enjoyed my fun time.

As for ma, lordy, has anyone told her its the 21st Century? So no, YANBU!

tell her you are more than happy to have a reputation as a grown woman taking control of her life without worrying about what other people think. And that most folk wouldn't actually agree with her.


notaslut Sat 12-Sep-09 17:50:36

no i dont go out with toothbrush and spare pants! LOL - to be totally honest, it was the first time i had been out since the divorce... unless you count swimming.

Thing is i remember when she was divorcing my dad, god, she was bringing different men home to a house where her kids were ( at least my child was away that weekend and noone the wiser) and was out nearly every night of the week for a few years... i remember well as i was left looking after all the younger ones... and if she keeps going on ill bloody well remind her of that!

Im just really angry about it. Ive slept with a grand total of 4 men my whole life.. and apparently im a slut!

I wish i hadnt told her... i only told her as she called my mobile, then landline, them mob, then landline ( repeat for 30 mins ) until i eventually picked up. Then she wanted me to do something on ebay for her, then called back 20 mins later to see if i had done it... then when i said no, she asked why and i had to say that i had someone there.....

ridiclous situation.

And, she keeps going on about these other dates ive got next week ( 2 over the weekend ) she says what if they see you out with the other one ( its only a first date!) ill get a reputation ( from a date in a pub!) and that ive totally gone off the rails.


BitOfFun Sat 12-Sep-09 17:52:53

Lesson: do not mention your sex life to your mother, EVER.

It rarely bodes well.

notaslut Sat 12-Sep-09 17:53:24

thats madame - i totally dont have a problem with what i did... ive had the best week ive had in about 2 years! I feel like me again and am certainly looking forward to getting back out there so to speak, and yes, sleeping with who i want.
As long as my daugther is safe with her dad at the time, and im safe i cant really see what the problem is?

diddl Sat 12-Sep-09 17:53:38

She hardly sounds in a position to judge!

Unless she´s genuinely worried and it came out wrong!

notevenamousie Sat 12-Sep-09 17:55:32

Ignore your mother.
And enjoy yourself (condoms tho!)

MadameDefarge Sat 12-Sep-09 17:57:36

Nothing wrong with it at all, your life, your choices. But I reckon BOF is right. Lips sealed when it comes to ma. tbh, she sounds a wee bit there more to this than just this thing? Does she generally respect your boundaries or does she expect access all areas?

notaslut Sat 12-Sep-09 18:17:34

yeah - shes terrible for that. Has to know EVERYTHING then gets all huffy if you wont tell her.
There was a big family fall out and i didnt see or speak to her for about 7 years i think... so i dont know if its to do with that?
Also as a adult ive never lived in the same town as her... and now only live a 4 min drive away....
She phones me about 5 times a day....... bless her, i do love her but i am entitled to a life as well arent i?
And if that includes shaggign super fit blokes ( still smiling about it!) then thats my business right.
Mouse - yeah condoms totally.... am responsible

scottishmummy Sat 12-Sep-09 18:23:59

having been through tough times ypu relate it is nice to have a bit of fun,as an adult you have a pulse and needs and they include sex. hell a bit of head board shaking teeth rattling sex - good for you

your mum has completely over reacted of course. you are an adult woman. you don't need her permission to be in a consensual relationship

tbh,ignore her. be the sole of discretion but do waft about in front of her lookin tousled in a just got out of bed way. not knowing the details will derive her more daft

and best of all,have a good time

MadameDefarge Sat 12-Sep-09 18:25:26

ah, rod for your own back and all that! Its hard to put the brakes on someone like that. But it might be worth gently pulling back if you can, and ignoring the huffiness. You are the only one who can set, and enforce boundaries between you.

Easier said than done, my mother was the same (except had no interest in me at all) it was like having a barnacle on me. Sadly, I was unable to resolve it with her and we do not speak now.

BrewRequired Sat 12-Sep-09 18:35:44


My mum called me a slag the other day-

I have slept with one person. angry

notaslut Sat 12-Sep-09 18:37:38

scottishmummy - i love the idea od 'wafting about in front of her looking all tousled' LOL
that is SO SO SO funny.

It will drive her nuts.

Madame - you understand what its like then.. she has always been very very overbearing... im no wallflower myself. and know im entitled to a life.... Im sort of thinking that maybe she was expecting i was just going live like an old spinster and just be there for her ( she has already complained to my sister after a week that she feels tossed aside like an old boot ..... ive seen the guy twice! )

Ive got a big night out planned for my birthday with new friends i have made ( DD is with her dad that weekend ) I havent had a girly birthday thing since i was in my early 20's. She got the huff as she isnt invited, then she gave me the 3rd degree over where we are going ( not decided, its not for a few weeks and we will just go where we feel like it on the night?) then over what i was going to wear, then over who was going, and where they lived etc... etc... etc... you get the idea.
Its almost like she wants to hold me back....?

cheers everyone for saying im not bu - i knew i wasnt.... and still, i wouldnt for a second regrett what i did ;)

MaggieVirgoOn Sat 12-Sep-09 18:38:05


Split up from children's dad over two years ago, but I know if and when I ever meet anybody else my mother will be sniffy. She honestly expects me to just close that chapter and concentrate on children. Which is OK most of the time, because there's nobody that I have feelings for, but if that happens, I will be BOUND to horrify her.

notaslut Sat 12-Sep-09 18:38:47

thats nice of her brew - why?

notaslut Sat 12-Sep-09 18:40:26

but maggie - you surely deserve to be happy too.... of course the children always come first... but you have your own needs too...
I do understand what you are saying though... i think my mother thought the same.

God - i hope im not like this to my dd.

BrewRequired Sat 12-Sep-09 18:42:35

(I'm not a mum, btw)

She found out I was having pre marital sex. She literally screamed in my face- I am 20 years old and don't live at home.

I think she is taking her Christianity too far!

benbon Sat 12-Sep-09 18:43:06

well done you, i am recently single after being with my husband 8 years and i cant wait to get out there...

ydanbu!!!! as long as your not bringing them back for your daughter to meet there is no problem!!!

MadameDefarge Sat 12-Sep-09 18:44:12

ah, toxic mothers, doncha love 'em?

MaggieVirgoOn Sat 12-Sep-09 18:51:13

notaslut, so far it's been fine, as I haven't met anybody, and I just do the school run and only socialise with married friends, so it just hasn't mattered what she thinks iykwim,, but some comments have made me worry..

She said to me once, when I was chatting to a Dad at the playground for about 3 minutes, you're not hoping to meet somebody are you??? LIke she was really worried that I might be, I just muttered no. I had been talking about plasters and nits with that man who was probably married, didn't notice or care or ask you know!!

I'm meeting an OLD friend for coffee in a week and I won't tell her, she'd read too much into it and make a comment that would annoy me. He's 44 and has never married but is lovely. The last time I met him, she said "don't get your hopes up". LIke I was lookign for somebody to rescue me. Which I definitely am NOT.

The only way it would be an issue would be if I fell for somebody. I wouldn't go looking for a man (not right now anyway).

It's awful being scrutinised though isn't it!! at 19 or 20 I would just have said mind your own! but now, I feel like I need her good opinion of me. I'd be upset and angry if she thought I was making a fool of myself, or was hunting butterflies your stomach at the expense of your kids security (she said that once). In a kind of don't let that happen scenario.

what can you do!? my mum got married at 22 and it worked out and Dad is good to her. She's lucky really, she picked a decent man. I picked a wrong 'un!!

I'm in my late 30s. Ok, 39. But still. NOt dead yet. Sometimes people in their forties 'find love'. Even feel daft and ludicrously optimistic typing that.

notaslut Sat 12-Sep-09 18:59:05

aw - maggie.... very un-mn - but i want to give you a hug! LOL
No - your not dead yet, your only 39.. that is not old nor past it....
You dont have to go looking for a man either... sometimes they just pop up at the right time....! Good luck for meeting the old friend....
Mums hey! bet they would say something about not wanting us to get hurt again...... then we would feel gulity!

Yeah - your mum was lucky to have stayed married... she shouldnt judge you if you now arent... ( and do in the future want another partner) and im sure it wasnt your fault for choosing the wrong person ( same as it wasnt mine ) you know, i fough hard for years to save my marriage and hold out family together.. but in the end i couldnt do it any longer... just because ive got a child doesnt mean i should never have sex again does it?

brew - thats terrible. i remember my mum screaming at me that i was going to get pregnant and she was going to ground me for my own good when i got my first boyfriend... i was a virgin at the time and not even thinking about having sex!

clam Sat 12-Sep-09 19:01:42

Your misteake was not in getting A Life, but in telling her about it.

Ignore her. She'll get over it. And keep schtumm in future.

scottishmummy Sat 12-Sep-09 19:20:07

keep schtum whilst looking like you just been had over the worktop

that ought to do it

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